i tried to commit suicide in the hospital

[juliaheaven]

hi my name is julia. i had spine surgery (harrington rods and fusion with donar bone) on january 6th. im 22 years old, i've been smashed between two cars, stabbed straight through two fingers, and had a baby. the back surgery was by far the worst pain. i tried to commit suicide in the hospital, i just couldnt handle the pain. thay later found out that for some reason morphine doesnt work for me.
its almost been 5 months now and i feel like im broken. does anyone else feel like this? is it normal. i thought by now i would be back to normal but im in more pain than before the surgery, was it a huge mistake?
im so scared that ill never regain feeling in my back and ill never be able to do the things i once did.i'm also scared that my body will reject the donar bone, i would rather die than have surgery again. does anyone have any advice for me??
the dr. never told me it would be so bad...

[sweetness514]

Oh Julia...Please don't talk about suicide, even if I've also hard dark thoughts just think that there is always worst than you, that's what people keep telling me and and that's what I tell myself

Morphine didn't work for me either, Empracet did, even if it is not supposed to be as strong. As for the recovery, it took me two years to heal from the bone graft and after exercise(walking, swimming, light weight lifting, bycycling), that I still do, it gets better, you'll see. I had a second surgery after a year and a half to remove hooks, and it went very well. I will probably have to get more surgery for my broken rod but even if I am scared and do NOT want to get additional surgery, it amazes me how we get through things when we have to.

Try to take it easy, take care fo your body and listen to it.

[Gail]

Hi Julia,

Hang in there Julia. You have had major surgery. Some, if not most of us, have been where you are, second guessing our decision to have surgery when the pain gets unbearable. With me, it eventually went away and only revisits me when it rains or snows and then my body gets achy. I would recommend that you discuss your pain with your doctor. It may be that he needs to re-evaluate your medication. It won't be long before you will be posting on this message board again and telling us all how much better you are feeling. I empathize with you and understand your pain...just keep your chin up. I will be praying for you daily.

Kindest Regards,
Gail

[Gail]

Hi Julia,

If you feel that your doctor is not willing to deal with your pain, insist he refer you to a pain clinic or pain specialist.

Gail

[scoliosis-mom]

Julia,

I'm so sorry for your pain. I may not be able to relate to it, but I'm sure my daughter can. She had anterior/posterior spinal fusion surgery 2 years ago at age 16 and morphine didn't help her either. She was really suffering the first 4 days in the hospital until they switched her to percoset. So, your not alone in being resistant to morphine.

My daughter also has bipolar disorder and was feeling completely hopeless in the hospital. We had the staff psychiatrist come in on the 5th day and he administered a shot of atavan which helped tremendously. She really felt she was going to die and would never get out of the hospital.

Two years later, she has daily pain (nothing like the pain in the hospital), and we are still searching for answers to that. She may need to have some screws and pins removed.

Please reach out to a therapist if you feel you can't cope with the suffering. There are very good therapists for depression and anxiety as well as some good medications. Please never consider suicide as a way out. As dark as it seems and as much as you are suffering, there is help available. Sometimes the spine surgeons don't understand (or aren't trained) to handle the emotional damage and suffering caused by scoliosis/spinal fusion.

Even if you are feeling hopeless, I'm certain that you are a lovely worthwhile person who can get through this challenge.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Susan

[susannajon]

Hi juliaheaven,

It is not uncommon for people to be resistant to morphine. I am, as is my dad. I had major surgery a couple years ago, and luckily, I had seen my dad going through hip replacement surgery, and he was resistent to morphine, so my family knew what was happening. They talked to my pain management team, and switched me to Delaudid. It worked, and I was fine from there.

It sounds like you've never gotten a handle on your pain, which is making your recovery go more slowly. I would see if you can get a referal to a pain management specialist. If you have good pain control, you can relax, get more sleep and exercize, and you'll make better progress on your recovery.

PLEASE don't give up! You have had very major surgery, and the healing process can take two years. You have had a bit of a setback because of your pain management issues.

Are you getting physical therapy? My daughter gets PT twice a week, and her therapist is doing lots of non-medical techniques to help with pain. You don't have to face this alone! Reach out and get the help you need. I am confident that there is something that can be done to speed up your healing process without you having to have another operation. My heart goes out to you! Let us know how you're doing.

[Lavinia]

Hi, just to add to what others are saying, what an awful time you have been going through. The morphine also didn't work properly for me in the hospital (I'm 6 months post-op. but an oldie (55)) and for me also the pain was far more than I could handle or was expecting, and far worse than childbirth. I also found that not all the nurses understood, some even seemed to treat me as though it were my fault, and none of them could really spend any time with me. So I wonder if you also just did not get the care and support that you needed. The sheer ordeal of what you have been through is a huge trauma in itself and will take time and help to assimilate. THe pain you are in now is really important, and I can also relate to that. A lot of my pain since the operation has been due to inadequate pain relief, and also tension and anxiety which makes everything worse. Some of the most intolerable pain is when I don't know what is hurting or why, so it's easy to think the worst.

It sounds as though you need urgent help on all fronts: from your surgeon, to make sure there is nothing wrong, from a pain specialist, from the rehab people like physical therapists, and from a counsellor or therapist to help you through the trauma of it all - as well as love and care from family and friends which I hope you are getting. I think one cannot say it was a mistake - you made your decisiion about surgery on the available information, and no-one can look ahead. But certainly I'm in more pain than I was before the operation, but I think that is to be expected, and won't last forever.

I also remember my daughter, who had the same op at 14, feeling really low, frightened and overwhelmed in the first 6 months after surgery - and she hadn't even had the problems with morphine. It just is a really terrible thing to go through, but something that in the end will make us stronger, though hard to think that now.

Do keep in touch with us all,

Lavinia

[Frankie]

You can make it-just don't give up, I know, I know

Hi:

I don't know what I can say that could encourage you to not give up hope in your life, as I have a real understanding of what it is like to feel desperate and a hopeless situation with my body ravaged with pain. At your age I already undergone several scoliosis surgeries with halo traction and even flat on my back for over a year. By age 22 my life was going great, just got married to my nurse who I met in the hospital, my music career was going great, everything I touched seemingly turned to gold. Then at age 23 I was having brain surgery for a cyst-like tumor within my spinal cord "hydromyelia". Then a severe infection and the list goes on and more surgeries and more surgeries. But today I'm 49 years old, living in Las Vegas, and still praying just to be able to have reconstructive surgery, after my last surgery in 2001 was a horrifying experience. But this web site has helped me a great deal and everyone is very kind. I don't know if it would help you at all but, please feel free to visit my web site www.FrankieBush.net maybe something there might be able to help you, especially the video clips, so you might be able to see, that there is always hope, and you can always make it, I promise, I promise, God bless you, Frankie

[Irene]

Julia, Julia, Julia!

Dearest Julia,

Please let all of us know how you are feeling today... Please? We are all concerned about you. I wish I could just "stop by" at your home and give you a support hug. ~ My surgeon never told me about the horror of post-op healing either. The pain I went through after surgery was much worse than all 4 sets of my labor pains combined! I would never "do it", but believe me... I wished I was dead every day... but Frankie is right, Julia... ~ You will "make it". You must insist that you and God will handle your rehabilitation and healing just fine! Go to Frankie's website... He is amazing. It's been 3 years since my scoliosis reconstruction surgery, and I still need support and inspiration. (Thanks, Frankie)! ~

JULIA, YOU HANG IN THERE! Let us hear from you!

[krystal]

Hey Julia,
I wanted to let you know how sorry I am to hear that you are suffering without any relief. I was 16 when i had surgery the first time, 2 c-sections, 6 car accidents as a passenger, and back surgery for me wasn't as hard as the first c-section. But the pain I am in now is by far the worst. Surgery will be a Godsend.

We all have regrets in life but that shapes us for the future. You will be stronger than ever for you child if you can make it through this. By the way how is you child? I hope you have some kind of support system around you. I am everyones support so I am scared myself to have surgery. I have two beautiful girls that I will hate to be away from even for a day. I can't imagine the pain I would be in if I didn't have this surgery. You need to get a good pain management doctor and stick to the program that he advises.

Hang in there. My email address is cntrykrystal@aol.com I also have instant messenger. If you need to talk I am here for you. Everyone needs someone to just spill out their feelings to, and I don't mind either.
Krystal

[Irene]

Julia Heaven ~ We haven't heard from you...

Dear Julia,
You wrote to us on June 3rd... That was a long time ago... Please would you let us know how you are? We worry a LOT when someone uses the word "suicide"... Please tell us you're all right...