September 9th surgery

[rohrer01]

Melissa,
I'm sorry to hear about your insurance. My mom's insurance did the same thing. So she said, okay since you guys are going to be that way I'll rebuild. She acted as her own "contractor" and drew up plans. She hired different guys to do different jobs. When all was said and done, she got every penny of her money back and ended up with a mansion (5400 sq ft) of a house. She turned her upset into a positive. Now she has the house she always dreamed of. It's worth hundreds of thousands of dollars now vs. tens of thousands when she bought it. AND she owes less money on this house then she did on the other one. In fact, I think she paid off the loan and took out a smaller loan for some other stuff that was house related, but she had collected every cent of her insurance money already. The down side of what she did is they raised her taxes astronomically. So if you go that route, beware that this can happen and I'd say especially in CA where the taxes are higher anyway. If you don't like what this contractor is telling you go to another one. There are plenty of builders out there. They always put that loophole in home insurance policies. It's the buy out price or the "rebuild" price. I hope you can manage and still end up with the same house payment that you would have had originally. Yes, I agree, that's too long to take to build a house. This is building season!

[jrnyc]

i am so sorry this has happened Melissa...
just be very careful with contractors...there are some unscrupulous ones out there, if you
rebuild the house....
thoughts and prayers are with you....

jess

[mabeckoff]

Thank you all for your good wishes. On top of that news yesterday, I found out from my DD's married BF FB page that she is having a baby. My pain is so bad again because of the stress.If I did not have to drive my son to school and pick him up, I would not even get out of bed

[mabeckoff]

Well, I took my son to school and now I am going back to bed until I have go pick up him

[rohrer01]

Well, I took my son to school and now I am going back to bed until I have go pick up him

I realize how upset you are because you do not like your daughter's new husband. Look at the positive side. At least he was honorable enough to marry her, which means he will be stuck taking care of or helping with the baby at least financially, even if the marriage doesn't work out. Babies are a blessing. I was upset to learn when my 17 year old daughter turned up pregnant, but my grandson means the world to me. Grandchildren are such a joy, you will see. If you let this get to you so much that all you can do is lay in bed, then you are letting someone you don't like take control of YOUR happiness. We can't control what our grown children do. I'm sure we all did plenty to stress our parents out, too. You just have to let go a little and let your daughter live her life and have her own experiences to pass on. Hopefully she will become wiser. Children will either make or break a relationship. If he married her, at least he's saying he wants to be committed to this forever, even if it doesn't work. You've got to give the guy some credit for that at least. Most young men skip out an RUN from their paternal responsibilities. Please don't let what they do determine your happiness. If it's nice outside, try going for a short walk. If it's icky and you don't feel like doing anything, try immersing yourself in a good book rather than lying in bed stewing about things you have no control over. Congratulations on being a grandma! Things could be worse. You'll see, you will enjoy the little woogie more than you think.

[rohrer01]

Melissa,
I just wanted to add that if things aren't... eh hem... ideal... in your daughter's situation. Things still have a way of working out. We raise our children and teach them right from wrong. We release them knowing that we did our best under our own circumstances and hope they fly. They usually bump into a few trees on their way, but we can't be there to cushion their every fall, otherwise they never learn. I, too, am learning that the hard way. It hurts us when they make "critical errors", but it's their life, not ours. We have to learn to let go and base our happiness on what we do with our own lives. We are programmed to be mom's for so long, that we don't always know what to do with ourselves when our kids fly the nest. We want to continue nurturing them, but we can't. It's not our job anymore, unless they fly back to us with a broken wing. Your daughter may very well do that someday. But then again, you can hope that she doesn't need to and that she's strong enough to handle whatever comes her way. We don't have the ability to see into the future. As parents we can tell from our own experiences what will "probably" happen, but they have to learn. Please just enjoy the fact that you're going to be a grandma, period. Let the rest alone. It's not your problem, it's hers. That's the best advice I can give.

[jrnyc]

hi Melissa
i hate to see you suffer for what your daughter did...
i guess that is the way things work out...but it is so bad for your health....
you have no control over her behavior...i know you are aware of that....
you only have control over the way you respond to it...or don't respond to it...
i hope you can come to a point where you can "detach with love" as they say in 12 step programs...
so it doesn't eat you up inside...

hope you feel better....
jess...& Sparky

[JenniferG]

Rohrer says: Please don't let what they do determine your happiness.

I know it's easier said than done, but you can do this. As our kids grow up, we really do have to relinquish responsibility for what they do. We always want the best for them but the hard part is, accepting that they will make decisions, often the wrong ones, for themselves. We've made our mistakes, we all do, and our kids will too. It's hard to see it happening, but we do have to let go with love as Jess says, often to save ourselves. I know the addition of a grandchild makes this so much harder, but the "rule" still applies.

Don't let this eat away at you. You have your own life to take care of and that must be your priority. Let them take care of theirs.

I hope you get some easing of the pain soon.

[mabeckoff]

I know what I should do but it is so hard. He has taken control of her because she has autism and he preyed on her. I spent 10 years getting her to this point in her life with years of PT , doctors visits , etc. He controls what she says and does. The stress of this situation and rebuilding is too much for me. I am out here in CA with no one. I had made a good friend here when I first moved here last summer.She is moving to AZ next week to take a job. I do not know what I am going to do without her. I am here in CA for the next 3 years , until my son graduates. Then I do not know what I will do. My Husband will never be happy in a job so I was very stupid to move here. Sorry for complaining but I don't see good things happening reight now.

[jrnyc]

i am so sorry this man took advantage of your daughter's vulnerability...
is there nothing any authority can do about this....?

jess

[mabeckoff]

i am so sorry this man took advantage of your daughter's vulnerability...
is there nothing any authority can do about this....?

jess

No she is 19 years old. considered an adult

[jrnyc]

i was thinking maybe a sharp lawyer could finagle something...
but i guess you have looked into every possibility by now...

thoughts and prayers stay with you....
and please take care of yourself no matter what...

jess

[Confusedmom]

Melissa,

I'm glad your memory problems turned out to be nothing serious.

I'm glad your in CA because you have an excellent doctor.

I'm glad you're going to be a grandmother! (Even though circumstances aren't ideal.)

I think you should consider getting an attorney's advice about your insurance/rebuilding situation.

I try to check on you every couple of days at least. There are a lot of us out here on your side!

Best,
Evelyn

[mabeckoff]

Well, My life is not going well.

First, my 16 year son has been sent for X rays because the doctor wants him checked out for scoliosis.

Second, my daughter is mad at me because I am not happy that she is having a baby and how she is going to raise the child.She informed us that we cannot visit for the first month.

Third, my pain is really bad and I cannot see Dr Bederman this Wednesday . I have to wait until the following week

Fourth, my sugar levels are very high because I am on steroids.

Finally, the insurance company is not being very nice at all

Thanks for listening

Melissa

[Confusedmom]

Hang in there. As they say, this too shall pass. Of course many of our kids will be scolis, but hopefully not as bad (especially boys). Your daughter will come around eventually, and I am also optimistic your pain will be reduced. Insurance is a whole other issue, but at least that's just things.