Do you ever feel angry?

[sweetness514]

I hope you know about all the post op risks and loss of some flexibility, surgery is not the answer to all scoliosis patients and is a big procedure and with that good luck, it's your decision.

[Mobee211]

Sweetness,

I am aware of the risks, yes. And I would not go ahead and have surgery without sitting down with a doctor and going over all of the potential risks, talking to his patients, reviewing studies etc. Right now I am being told nope, you don't have the option of having the surgery. That is not right. It is my body...my choice. Maybe I won't have surgery. But I deserve to be able to control what happens to my own body.

Thanks.

[sweetness514]

I understand what you mean. But I also see the other side of the medal. When I said about the post op risks, I just wanted to make sure and you're right, it's your body and you should be able to have the decision. I do think that as much as you're in pain and sick of scoliosis now, I wonder how you would feel if you wouldn't get the results you want. That's all. I didn't know what exactly to expect before my surgery but excruciating pain from a patient who told me is what she went through for a while and even my ortho told me that there were not guarantees of resolving pain, and make my hump disappear 100%. That I knew, at least. I didn't realize how much patience, determination and time it would take to heal though, sometimes we never know until we live the experience.

But anyways, maybe there are reasons why surgeons don't want to operate on patients who have less than 45-50 curves, and I tend to trust their reasons.

[Mobee211]

Thanks. I completely understand where you are coming from. And I'm sure everyone who wants this surgery wails "But I'm an exception because it is just unbearable to me!!!!" But truly, I am not lying, it is unbearable to me. I am not living. I am merely existing. I am so angry and depressed. I have hidden my emotions for such a long time and now, at 26, I am getting all of my issues out into the open and taken care of. I'm unloading. I'm not myself anymore...my hump has consumed me. My mother says she doesn't recognize me anymore. I drive home from work and catch a glimpse of myself in the car window and think "what if I just drive into this road barrier? Would I die, or would I just be crippled for life?" And I am sure this all seems super dramatized but really...it is how I feel. I'm tired of dealing with everything I have had to deal with and this one...nope. I'm gonna put my foot down and say NO. I won't live to see 30 if I don't have this fixed. I know that in my heart. I told my therapist point blank that I would end my life if I could not have this fixed. And I meant every word. I was not crying, or hysterical, just speaking the truth as I am now. I hate my hump so badly that I have actually taken to self injuring myself. I have never, EVER done this before in my life. I am consumed by this pain and I think it is impossible for anyone who has not gone through all the crap that I have gone through to understand. But, i know I won't eve rhave 100% correction. And I will have large scars, potential complications etc. I'm willing to deal with that because my spine will LOOK better. Without the surgery I will deal with pain, suffering, etc but with a noticeable deformity.