I need some confidence....anyone have any to give me? Making the BIG decision!

[leahdragonfly]

Hi Susan,

Congratulations on your decision and setting the dates! You are finding your peace. You can do this.

One thing I did for several months before surgery was when I was having back pain or a bad day, I would write down all the sensations and pain. Then, when I had a good day where maybe my back felt not so bad and I stated to doubt, I could whip out my descriptions and remind myself why I had decided for surgery. I wonder if that would be helpful for you.

Now, don't look back and start to what-if yourself about future worsening. I love what Dr Hu said, it is degeneration not regeneration! Good point. You know in your heart you will not get better, so that is why you have found yourself with a surgery date.

Have you explored the Peggy Huddleston (name?) pre-surgical anxiety tapes? Several people here found them very helpful. I almost bought them, never did, but I could have used them to ease pre-surgical fears and worries. Let me know if you can't find reference to them, and I will look up the name of the tapes.

We are all here to help you, Susan! You are going to do great.

[Irina]

Susan,

After I booked the date, I also had these dreadful "what-ifs" on several occasions. If I had a good day, I would start doubting myself and driving my husband nuts. When that happened, he would give me the best reality check - he would say: "Let's go for a walk". Half-an-hour later we'll return home with back pain, but happy and at peace with my decision. We had this drill several times and I already knew and laughed at his "Let's go for a walk" routine.

So, may be you can ask your husband when you have a bad moment to tell you: "Let's go for a walk, Susan"? Worked like magic for me :-)

[Susie*Bee]

Susan-- I've been following your posts and am so excited that you set your dates. Almost everyone has those up and down thoughts-- we used to refer to that period of time after making the decision until the surgery as a big roller coaster ride. Your emotions and thoughts go up and down all the time. How many times did I ask myself "What have I gotten myself into?" I didn't read all the posts in this thread, but Gayle had a good way of dealing with her ups and downs, and I have to admit that Irina's husband is very clever! (You can tell him I said so!, Irina) Jennifer too-- it only gets worse, not better-- your quality of life is not going to improve miraculously. You give up some things with the fusion, but gain others that are much better. Your back will be stabilized so you won't have to worry about it getting worse and worse with time.

You may be out of commission for awhile, but that isn't like the trade-off of not doing anything and just getting worse and worse. I've been "out" 5.5 years now and have continued to get better each year. You can do this! One thing I personally would not trade is the strength of character it has given those of us who have had our surgeries. It builds character. Strength. Determination. And you know that you WILL work, step by step, during the healing time. It's similar in a sense to going through childbirth. Some of us had our babies naturally and worked through the pain-- maybe using our breathing techniques and whatnot. But we looked beyond the pain to the prize that was ahead. There was a goal that helped us through. Same with this. Your eyes need to be on the prize--ultimately spinal reconstruction to stabilize your back and hopefully ease your pain. Your trust needs to be with your doctor (and if you have faith, there also), and try not to let your eyes drift off the prize. It sounds like Dr. Hu is an excellent doctor and your outcome should be great. I wish you all the best.

[susancook]

Susan,

After I booked the date, I also had these dreadful "what-ifs" on several occasions. If I had a good day, I would start doubting myself and driving my husband nuts. When that happened, he would give me the best reality check - he would say: "Let's go for a walk". Half-an-hour later we'll return home with back pain, but happy and at peace with my decision. We had this drill several times and I already knew and laughed at his "Let's go for a walk" routine.

So, may be you can ask your husband when you have a bad moment to tell you: "Let's go for a walk, Susan"? Worked like magic for me :-)

I went to Costco today, does that count? Got out of bed late because the increased dose of Lyrica makes me too sedated. I could barely walk as my R thigh hurt so much Went to town for a pap smear/biopsy....fun.....then did some errands. Pain actually got better, so I ventured to Costco. I couldn't load the car as it really hurts my back to lift. Made dinner with moderate pain...cooked chicken from Costco made dinner easy.

I have been looking at Dr. Hu's picture on my cell phone above the words "TRUST". I think that's beginning to help. Susan

[Irina]

Costco does count :-) Good to hear that a picture is beginning to help.

Are you planning things to do while recovering? This will keep you in a positive mood. Something you always wanted to do, but didn't have time for (not ice-skating, of course :-) I just bought an accent reduction CD for windows so that I not only listen to it, but see on the screen how the teachers move their lips etc. I always wanted to take some accent reduction classes, but never had time. Now, here you go. I am going to practice every day when recovering, and then you, guys, will give me a test :-)

[susancook]

Susan-- I've been following your posts and am so excited that you set your dates. Almost everyone has those up and down thoughts-- we used to refer to that period of time after making the decision until the surgery as a big roller coaster ride. Your emotions and thoughts go up and down all the time. How many times did I ask myself "What have I gotten myself into?" I didn't read all the posts in this thread, but Gayle had a good way of dealing with her ups and downs, and I have to admit that Irina's husband is very clever! (You can tell him I said so!, Irina) Jennifer too-- it only gets worse, not better-- your quality of life is not going to improve miraculously. You give up some things with the fusion, but gain others that are much better. Your back will be stabilized so you won't have to worry about it getting worse and worse with time.

You may be out of commission for awhile, but that isn't like the trade-off of not doing anything and just getting worse and worse. I've been "out" 5.5 years now and have continued to get better each year. You can do this! One thing I personally would not trade is the strength of character it has given those of us who have had our surgeries. It builds character. Strength. Determination. And you know that you WILL work, step by step, during the healing time. It's similar in a sense to going through childbirth. Some of us had our babies naturally and worked through the pain-- maybe using our breathing techniques and whatnot. But we looked beyond the pain to the prize that was ahead. There was a goal that helped us through. Same with this. Your eyes need to be on the prize--ultimately spinal reconstruction to stabilize your back and hopefully ease your pain. Your trust needs to be with your doctor (and if you have faith, there also), and try not to let your eyes drift off the prize. It sounds like Dr. Hu is an excellent doctor and your outcome should be great. I wish you all the best.

Thanks, Susie. When I had my second child natural childbirth at a birthing center, right before he was born, I remember thinking, "I'm going to die soon". Then out popped an 8# baby!
When Dr. Hu told me that it would be a 2 day surgery [with a day in between], I was surprised as Dr. Hart said 1 day. Dr. Hu said that I would have to stand up and walk some between the surgeries. My son, the nurse practitioner said, "You won't want to get up and walk". I replied, "Oh yes I will. Whatever they ask me to do to get better." I'm stubborn that way.

The surgery has so many unknowns. I'm in the medical field and I remember all the bad outcomes. I am trusting my life to a doctor that I have met for one hour!

I see the "prize" and I wish that there was some sort of guarantee that it would be mine: that is a good fusion, recovery in a year or so and mostly pain free spinal life. If I knew that the prize was mine, then I could relax more. I trust Dr. Hu, but I am sure that she has had bad outcomes.

I start hypnosis therapy next week. Maybe I can relax more. Think I'll go get a glass of pinot gris for relaxation. Susan

[susancook]

Costco does count :-) Good to hear that a picture is beginning to help.

Are you planning things to do while recovering? This will keep you in a positive mood. Something you always wanted to do, but didn't have time for (not ice-skating, of course :-) I just bought an accent reduction CD for windows so that I not only listen to it, but see on the screen how the teachers move their lips etc. I always wanted to take some accent reduction classes, but never had time. Now, here you go. I am going to practice every day when recovering, and then you, guys, will give me a test :-)

Planning to do while I recover? I was going to take lots of good drugs!

Seriously, you have started me thinking about it and I will figure something out. Maybe I can learn to speak Russian and we can talk? I do like your accent, it makes you more intriging!

Susan

[leahdragonfly]

Peggy Huddleston tapes

Hi Susan,

here is a link to the Peg Huddleston pre-surgical relaxation tapes I mentioned above:

http://www.healfaster.com

Several people here have used them and found them to be very helpful. They are also available on amazon.com

[Irina]

Planning to do while I recover? I was going to take lots of good drugs!

Seriously, you have started me thinking about it and I will figure something out. Maybe I can learn to speak Russian and we can talk? I do like your accent, it makes you more intriging!

Susan

Sure, Susan - I'll teach you Russian :-) But seriously, it's good for us to have something positive to look forward to. I always needed some goals in my life - whether it's getting Masters' degree or remodeling kitchen or planning European vacation next year. Without these goals to look forward to my life seems bleak. That's why I am setting little goals to work on during my recovery - not only while on drugs, but even after that because I would have a lot of down-time before going back to work. I need to keep myself busy or I'll go ku-ku.

If you have skype, we can chat after the surgery. You will do fine - you are a captain (read this somewhere and was very impressed!). May be you can tell me stories about your life in military - I would be very interested!

[susancook]

Sure, Susan - I'll teach you Russian :-) But seriously, it's good for us to have something positive to look forward to. I always needed some goals in my life - whether it's getting Masters' degree or remodeling kitchen or planning European vacation next year. Without these goals to look forward to my life seems bleak. That's why I am setting little goals to work on during my recovery - not only while on drugs, but even after that because I would have a lot of down-time before going back to work. I need to keep myself busy or I'll go ku-ku.

If you have skype, we can chat after the surgery. You will do fine - you are a captain (read this somewhere and was very impressed!). May be you can tell me stories about your life in military - I would be very interested!

What a nice idea....skype. I'm so happy that you will be in the hospital part of the time that I am! I can watch you run up and down the halls while I'm falling on the floor trying to get out of bed! Skype would be great!

From what Dr. Hu said, little ole ladies like me usually go to a rehab facility postop for a week or so. I plan to stay in the SF area for 6 weeks postop, so maybe the last week, if both of us are able to get out, maybe a lunch together with our chauffers?

I will find a hobby postop. I plan to record a lot of music, soft classical for calming moments and country western for getting goof sh.. kicking when I get out of bed and walk down the hall!

Mark and I both spent 30 years in the military, all Navy for Mark [he graduated from the Naval Academy] and 20 Navy and 10 in the Army for me.....5 on active duty and 25 in the reserves. I do have some very funny stories! You could tell me stories about being in Russia and I will tell you sea stories. Postop should go quickly! Hahahahahahahahahahaha Susan

[Irina]

What a nice idea....skype. I'm so happy that you will be in the hospital part of the time that I am! I can watch you run up and down the halls while I'm falling on the floor trying to get out of bed! Skype would be great!

From what Dr. Hu said, little ole ladies like me usually go to a rehab facility postop for a week or so. I plan to stay in the SF area for 6 weeks postop, so maybe the last week, if both of us are able to get out, maybe a lunch together with our chauffers?

I will find a hobby postop. I plan to record a lot of music, soft classical for calming moments and country western for getting goof sh.. kicking when I get out of bed and walk down the hall!

Mark and I both spent 30 years in the military, all Navy for Mark [he graduated from the Naval Academy] and 20 Navy and 10 in the Army for me.....5 on active duty and 25 in the reserves. I do have some very funny stories! You could tell me stories about being in Russia and I will tell you sea stories. Postop should go quickly! Hahahahahahahahahahaha Susan

Deal! I have some good stories too. We'll exchange skype IDs in email.

[susancook]

Pity party

This sounds strange....guess that I best stay in counseling, but has anyone been sad preop mourning the future loss of what they have before surgery? I feel somewhat sad and down. I realize that when I am postop that I will never been the same. I know, I'll be better postop....but there is a part of me that doesn't want to let go of what I have now. Sure, I'm in pain now, but I'm trading it for an unknown, that could potentially be worse than I am now. I also realize that the name of my scoliosis is "degenerative" and that doesn't sound good, but there is a fantasy part of me that says that I might be OK in the future. Who am I fooling? I could barely walk out to the parking lot today after shopping [short trip]. What's wrong with me? I made a committment to myself that when I made the surgery date that I would just relax and trust my doctor. I don't think that my doctor is the problem. My intellect knows that I need to have the surgery, but my heart isn't all there....Susan

[naptown78]

Susan, I'm so glad you have made a decision! Mental battles over decisions can be so draining. You made the right decision. I'm really glad I was able to help you by sharing my experience.

There might be times after your surgery in the early recovery where you might doubt having gotten surgery. Now, before surgery, is a good time to remember how difficult your life is so you can use those thoughts after surgery. Usually, we make a scrapbook of the good times in our life. Before surgery was the first time I ever actually wanted to remember the bad time, so that my recovery would be all the more sweet.

When I was at two months in recovery, I regretted getting the surgery. But then my sons told me "Mom! Don't you remember how much pain you were in? And how you could only sit in one chair in the whole house? How you quit sewing and walking and baking? And how you never wanted to go anywhere because you didn't know if you might hurt worse after?" I had completely forgotten how frustrated I was, how limited I was, how declining I was. I'm glad my kids were there to help me through the most difficult period of recovery. They reminded me the pain I was in was now temporary. How wonderful to know that I was healing and no longer declining!

Now at 3 months and one week in recovery, I fully remember how difficult the past five years were. I remember my short temper with my kids and grandkids. I remember feeling so very old and fragile, a thought that frightened me because I wasn't ready to sit in a wheelchair. I had given up on dreams, not realizing surgery would give me my dreams back.

You seem like a wonderfully energetic person, full of life. Make a point to focus on what will be in your future, all the good that is yet to come. You will be SO glad that you got surgery over with so you can move on to more living. I'll be thinking of you in the weeks to come.

Such a good post...and great things to remember. I am one year out from my second revision surgery, doing great and still sometime wonder why I had surgery in the first place. It is easy to forget the pain I had prior to surgery as I am in no pain now.

It still amazes me though the simple things I can do now that caused me such intense back pain before. Even in my twenties, I remember sitting at the sewing machine with my back all stoved up for hours. At Christmas time, wrapping presents was not pleasant either as it always caused my back to hurt. Standing at the stove, shopping, going to the grocery, my job...as I got older it just got worse. At 45 I felt 30 years older than I really was.

Susan, I can do all of these things now without a thought and with no pain. I can stand in any line as long as I wish just like anyone else. And I can tell you that I could only stand for 5 minutes pre-surgery. Granted, I cannot carry heavy weights or run. But I didn't do those things before...
My back is still flexible enough to sleep in a semi fetal position if I want, I can pull my knees to my chest for a stretch. ( You shouldn't do this for several months following surgery). It's taken me awhile, but I am finally able to say I would do it again.

Its a big surgery and can have some big rewards. Look forward, be positive and before you know it it will be April and it will be all over!

[susancook]

Thank you to everyone for suggestions and support. I assumed that my opportunities to curl on my side in the fetal position will non-existent after the surgery, but Naptown said that it is till possible? Things are looking up, then. I assumed that such a position was not possible.

I have concluded that not having surgery really isn't a good option for me. If my spine is truly on a down hill slope, then I will only get worse and surgery in the future, if I wait, will only be more difficult. I am still angry that this happened to me [why me?] and that I don't have much of a choice really, unless I want to become more and more inactive and have more pain. Guess that I am angry. There does not appear to be a way that I can control the situation.

Susan

[leahdragonfly]

Guess that I am angry. There does not appear to be a way that I can control the situation. Susan

Hi Susan,

I feel for you as you make your way through this decision-making mine-field. Right now you're suffering a little bit of scheduler's remorse. It happened to me, and I am sure it is very common. You can move past it. Pull out your list of reasons why you decided to have surgery, and keep referring to it.

I think you have done a lot and can continue to work toward controlling your situation as much as possible. You have made many supportive friends here on this forum. You have realized that not having surgery is not a viable option. You have worked hard and traveled to find an excellent surgeon who you are comfortable with. Next step is to work really hard on optimizing your cardiovascular condition as much as possible before surgery. Remember, those thighs of steel! You need them!

Yes, I agree, our situations with our backs are disappointing and just not fair, but I know you are strong enough to move past that. Keep your eyes on the prize! You have a lot of support here. Chin up my friend!