Scolosis and Marriage

[yellowfish]

totally understood ur feeling

Scolio125, I totally understand what you are talking about here. I'm a chinese, and since I was diagnosed with scoliosis when I was 15, my mom keeps telling me how to hide my deformity, and she gets so upset whenever I wear tighter clothes, or when i bend over my body. She's so worried about my marriage because of this. And I also noticed so many people in this forum dun seem to mind their deformity in appearance perspective, and I was shocked. Although I have mild curve, it still plays a big part in my life.

[Mobee211]

Hi There

I am so sorry that you have been through SO MUCH! I definitely think you should seek out a surgeon!! I am sure they can correct your curve to a more reasonable number, and help with the cosmetic deformity as well. I am young, 28, and have a "relatively mild" curvature of 40 degrees...that is rapidly progressing and causing pain. In terms of the dating situation...here is my .02. I have ALWAYS been very self conscious about my body. I have a rib hump that is noticeable when I bend over. I thought everyone would be staring at me, and repulsed. Once I asked people they told me they couldn't notice it until I pointed it out. I understand your deformity is more severe, but remember...we are always the most critical of our own bodies!! I carried myself with a sense of shame about my body...and people can pick up on that sublimally. I had the hardest time with dating. My self esteem sucked. From the way your family spoke with you about your scoliosis...wow...just wow...I cannot even IMAGINE how loving relatives could say such horrible and UNTRUE things to a child. Now, a little something about men...some men are jerks, true. But there are many great men out there who fall in love with intelligence, wit, charisma, character, class...all of which you possess and many other women do NOT! Men are NOT as critical of our bodies as we think they are. I recently talked with my BF of 10 months about my scoliosis and perhaps having surgery....he said he never knew I had scoliosis..he never picked up on it. I was shocked...I mean, he has seen me totally nekkid!! How could he NOT have noticed?! NOW, I do have a noticeable ribhump...every woman I have talked to said she noticed it. Men are just not as observant. I know your deformity is more severe, but I think YOU think it looks worse than others perceive it to be. I think having surgery will increase your self esteem. One thing that ALL men look for is a woman who carries herself with confidence. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Carry yourself with dignity and pride. If you put yourself out there with a sense of shame about your body others pick up on that. Hold your head high knowing that you are smarter, wittier, classier and more sophisticated than 99% of the female population!

[amae28]

I would highly recommend setting up an appointment with Dr. Lenke if you are at all interested. I am having surgery with him at the end of June and he is wonderful! My curves are not nearly as severe as yours but he is an amazing doctor- you get that vibe just being in the room with him- and if it means having a chance at making a huge change in your life it might be worth seeing him and finding out what he has to say at least...

[txmarinemom]

... I totally understand what you are talking about here. I'm a chinese, and since I was diagnosed with scoliosis when I was 15, my mom keeps telling me how to hide my deformity, and she gets so upset whenever I wear tighter clothes, or when i bend over my body. She's so worried about my marriage because of this. And I also noticed so many people in this forum dun seem to mind their deformity in appearance perspective, and I was shocked. Although I have mild curve, it still plays a big part in my life.

Yellowfish, a while back (pre-op) I had some of my modeling pics in my sig. I had someone from an Italian scoli list contact me to ask if they could link to what I had up because the attitude was so much the same there. A few patients and parents on that list started a thread of people who modeled part-time or full time with scoli.

They weren't the only one to contact me. I heard more than a few stories of moms who told their daughters not to bend over, who criticized how clothes fit them, who explained and pointed out their faults to total strangers. It was horrid, cruel and heartbreaking.

It's impossible to imagine my mother doing that, and I am so sorry for any of you who endured that scenario.

I've always believed perfection lies in the imperfection, and I certainly can't fathom being embarrassed/ashamed/whatever by my children for something over which they have no control ...

At almost 19 and 20, they have certainly embarrassed me before ... but it was intended .

Regards,
Pam

[Wishing]

Hi Donna,

Boy did you touch a nerve. I believe I have found it harder to find a mate because of my severe scoliosis. However, I have been married twice. Once for four years and unhappily and I have a son from that marriage. I was then single for about 16 years. My son chose to live with his father and that was devastating for me, but we have a very nice relationship now. I found that being unhappily married and in an emotionally abusive relationship was much more painful that the loneliness and pain I felt at times as a single. I have been happily remarried for 11 years to a wonderful man who had three sons and who needed help in raising them. His youngest was 10. The boys are now grown and the youngest is finishing college. Their mother had a mental illness that limited her functioning. We are both white. My husband is educated, successful, kind, loving and a good provider. I want for nothing other than to breath better, live longer and enjoy a full active life and to that end, I plan on having surgery with Dr. Lenke in June. Once, I apologized to my husband for my physical condition, and he replied, "I married you for you and for the person that that you are and not your back." I was introduced to my husband by a mutual friend.
I, too, had many things said to me by my father and aunt that shattered my self esteem. My father said some things when I was a teenager that targeted my disfigurement, and I never ever forgot it. Later, I realized that my father was an unhappy person and was abusive to other women in his life and that my physical frailties were something to focus on. With other women, he focused on whatever frailty he could find. However, I was left without a yardstick to measure what a healthy relationship was like between a man and a woman. I was also left with very low self esteem. I was also resilient, felt that I had reasonable good looks in spite of my severe scoliosis, and I enjoyed my mind and enjoyed doing well in school. As an adolescent, though, school was lonely due the the profound rejection of my peers. It was a little better in college, and I made some friends.
Dating was sporadic and relationships were short lived for the most part and I felt hurt emotionally. Because of my low self esteem, I also did an interesting thing. I did not feel worthy of some men, and when someone whom I was really excited about showed some interest,, I often found an excuse to sabotage things quickly. It was almost subconscious - I was going to reject them before they would reject me. I remember wondering why on earth I did that to myself. I was master of camouflage, padded here, there and everywhere. I was tense, perspired on dates and always worried about the great reveal, not to say that I had an obvious deformity.
At about age 50, I read many books about abusive relationships and codependency. I decided that I was going to concentrate on life as a single, enjoy my job, my friends, my son and my niece and her family as well as travel. It was shortly after I made this decision that I met the wonderful man who is now my husband. I have met some women over the years who had severe scoliosis. I guess there were four. Three of the women had master's degrees and good jobs. One was a cleaning lady. Two were single and two were happily married. One woman who had a master's and happily married with a daughter was black. I don't know if her husband was black or not. She had a very severe scoliosis and kyphosis.
From what I could deduce from my observations, inner self esteem was the critical issue and how people felt about themselves from their original families as young people and the unconditional love and acceptance they felt from both parents, and fathers were very critical to a young woman's self esteem. I have also known very beautiful, white women with straight backs and beautiful figures who could not find a husband or who had unsatisfactory relationships and homely women who had relationships and families that I envied when I was younger.
I will point out that at the age of 39, when I had multiple rib thoracoplasty to reduce my large thoracic hump, I did notice a significant change in my work life and some improvement in dating. I suddenly found myself getting promotions at work that had previously eluded me. My social life improved, but was not the greatest. I felt less marginalized and began to be more of a participant in life than an observer. To this end, together with health issues, I feel it is important to pursue medical options to maximize health and functioning. As I got older, I started to lose lung volume at a faster rate, and I got alarmed when I realized my years were numbered. I realized it was imperative that I act soon.If my lung volume got much lower, I may not be a surgical candidate and found that some doctors would not treat me. However, Dr. Lenke stated that I was still within the window where I could have surgery and agreed to operate on me. I feel very fortunate.
This has been a long response. But I have found in life to never say NEVER in medicine and in life.

[skoshi314]

Wishing,
Wow. All I could think while I was reading your post was "This lady has such courage!" You are a perfect example of the determination and courage anyone dealing with scoliosis must posess. I know for me personally I don't think of myself as being an exceptionally strong person, but when I take the time to look at what I deal with and what I do on a daily basis, I think "Yea, I'm pretty tough!" Thank you for being willing to share such personal experiences with the rest of us and I would like to thank you for making me feel a little stronger at a time when I wasn't feeling stong at all. You've given me a great gift!

[skoshi314]

Oh, yea and for the record, the ladies and gentlemen that contribute to this forum are absolutely the strongest, toughest, most determined group of people I've ever had the pleasure to get to know. You are ALL very amazing people!

[Susie*Bee]

Ditto what Becky said!

Wishing-- yes, thank you for sharing with us all. I know it was mostly intended for Donna, but you have provided all who read and take in what you've said with a sense of strength through adversity that we all share. Becky is so right! Some of us do not, or have not had to, deal with the extreme problems you and Donna have had, but we all do have our challenges. It's similar, in a sense, as "puppy love is BIG to the puppy"-- what we must go through in life is made easier when supported and encouraged by others, and you have accomplished that. Your story was a blessing. I am glad for you that it worked out so well with your 2nd marriage, but I can also tell from what you said that your life would have been full and good if you had remained single... you had the resolve to enjoy your life. You have my best wishes for a successful surgery-- please keep us posted on that.

[Wishing]

I wish to give a lot of credit to my cocker spaniel who was my companion and therapist during many of my single years. He always gave me unconditional love and acceptance and cured my depression. He always seemed to go "There, there." when the going got tough. He is now in doggy heaven.

[CHRIS WBS]

This is an interesting topic and Wishing I really enjoyed reading your post. Even though you’ve had bumps in your life, you’re a survivor, and what a gem you’re married to now. I don’t attribute my single state to my scoliosis. In fact, until recent years it was barely noticeable. I’ve always attracted men, but most of them were schmucks. Several weeks ago I came home from church one Sunday to find a business card left in my doorframe. It was from a man I had dated about five years ago. I thought he might be the answer to one of my prayers, since I fear so much going through this surgery without having someone to lean on for support. I called him and he came over. I discussed my situation with him and what I’m facing. He was quite surprised and never realized I had this condition. I had him feel my back. I talked at length about the seriousness of this surgery and the long recovery. He left and I have not heard from him since. Perhaps I should get myself a cocker spaniel too.

Chris

[Wishing]

Dear Chris,

I would suggest that you wait until at least a year post-op before you consider getting a canine companion. My cocker spaniel had a mind of his own and instead of me taking him for walks, he took me for walks racing on ahead and pulling me behind him. I understand that post-op it is recommended that one have someone else walk the dog. Mine, at times, used to practically pull my arms out in his enthusiasm for racing. Other than that, he was such a busy active fellow, there was no way he would let me sit around a be sorry for myself. I know this is off topic, but pets do provide a great amount of unconditional emotional support. Before the dog, I got a cat but she didn't quite cut it. She was like a cushion with eyes. I think she was depressed too.

[Susie*Bee]

Wishing...

I had to laugh at your pet descriptions. Your dog, because I can totally relate. We have an 80 lb. black lab who would "walk" me, pre-surgery... could easily have pulled my shoulder out, I'm sure. One time I heard the comment, "Oh, look, there's a dog walking a lady..." Unfortunately/fortunately, (depends on your perspective) I haven't gone near him since my surgery. I know I can't possibly deal with walking him.

Your cat description sure would lend itself to comical artwork... Couldn't help imagining a depressed pillow with eyes, just lolling around...

[nzgirl]

This threads probably done it's dash, but I was just thinking about how scoliosis has affected my relationships. I found a great guy who didn't really understand that I needed a lot of help with general day to day running the house while keeping a full time job. It's the natural inclination of men who have been living with their mothers to allow the housework to fall on their spouse. Although there are loads of superhuman women out there who can work full time and run a house, I wasn't one of them. By the time I had finished work I was quite sore (was nursing... not a great choice) and still work to do at home. He was always watching tv or on the computer... dinner wouldn't have been thought of etc... I probably could have coped better if I didn't have the pain issue to contend with.

Prior to that in my teens, there were some very bad relationships, abuse, and poor self esteem. I think that was tied in with scoliosis. I don't really want to elaborate on that too much.

I'm now with a great guy, who helps out heaps. He tells me to rest, and it's me that pushes to do stuff. He's wonderful, and really understanding. He looked after me when I was recovering from surgery while keeping house, and trying to work full time. I am really lucky. He misses out on a lot of things to be with me, as there are certain things that I can't do. And I get worn out faster than a 'normal' woman would do. I can't go on the three day hikes that he would like to do, but he seems ok about that. I don't know why he puts up with me, I'm fun sometimes but a lot of the time I'm sore and we have to go home from parties etc early.

I don't quite know if my post is all that relevant in this thread, but it just made me reflect a little bit on scoliosis and relationships. It does change them, and re-set the bar of expectations. I have seen a side of my boyfriend that is amazing, and although he has some pretty spectacular flaws at times, I have learnt to look for the good and be grateful. He fed me a few gins before... hence why I'm all touchy feely and blabbering.

[Wishing]

Dear NZgirl,

Yes, your post is very relevant. Your boyfriend sounds like a dear. There are some very special men out there and it sounds like you've found one. I have never met anyone without flaws. I found that with my low self esteem, I was willing to give "too much" and do most of the work. I did not ask for what I needed. It was like "Please love me. I'll do most of everything." This was also off putting. I was overly ingratiating myself. When I learned to ask for what I needed, I usually got. I found it important in life to identify qualities there are unacceptable in a relationship and to not accept them. I put up too long at times with people that were unable to give, show emotion, were withholding or put me down. When I learned to let these people take a hike, I opened the door for a truly wonderful man to enter. He is still here. Granted, he is very domestically challenged. His mother did everything, but those were the days when women did not work outside the home. He would starve if I did not take something from the refrigerator and put it in his hand. He works very hard, though, and is a good provider. I work part-time. However, when I told him of my limited energy, he agreed to have a housekeeper one day a week who does most of the heavy work and who leaves us with a lovely clean house weekly. My son from my first marriage is very domestic and does at least 50%of housework, yardwork as well as carpentry, you name it. He is awsome and also a very masculine man. My three step-sons from my second marriage, whom I helped raise, have their father's gene and are also domestically challenged. Life is going to be more expensive for them as they will have to pay people to do things. I hope their significant other's insist on it.

[scoliteacher]

relationships

hi.. im new here and just wanted to comment...

dont give up! i always thought the same thing. my scoliosis made me different, deformed, and emotionally its difficult. i always went for the guys i could help, ignoring what i needed. i was lucky though... i ended up with an amazing guy who is an equal partner... and doesnt notice my curve. its all a part of life. the more confidence you can have, the better you will be. just have faith, and hope... and it will all work out