Depression

[asccbodypro]

depression

I'm sorry I'm complaining so much, I don't let anyone know how rough it is. Then I explode!

Em,

Don't feel like you are complaining. We are all in the same boat. You definitely need to let your doc know how badly you really are feeling and don't let them brush you off. My surgeons nurse was very helpful last week. I could barely speak over the phone because I was having such a bad reaction to dropping a dose of valium. I didn't realize the valium was the culprit until I spoke with the pharmasist. She clued me in how difficult it is to get off of. I see the pain maganement specialist today and it will be interesting to see how that goes. I have no disillusions about coming off all my meds. Having a 19 month old that soon will soon be completely in my care will not be easy and my back will need something. However, I just don't want to be on so much. I also realized that although some are able to cut back rather quickly others are not. My body clearly is very sensitive and has togo slow. Some people talk about weaning off their meds at 6 weeks. Man, at six weeks I was so sick I couldn't even see straight. From week 2 to week 6 I was soooo sick. I just now at 5 months am feeling the way some people claim to feel at 3. I am still loosing weight. Slowly, but still loosing. Everyone is sooo different. You have to take what you read with a grain of salt and listen to your own body that's for sure. I often have to remind myself of that...usually it's my husband reminding me of that! As far as your yoga and pilates classes, I think you will get there in time. You will definitely have to change some of those exercises but that's to be expected. I have people hounding me if I am going to compete in body building again. Please! I can hardly handle the baby let alone weight train for a competition. People do not understand the severity of this surgery. Go easy on yourself and give yourself time. Isn't to bad we all can't take the advise we give :O) It's easier to give it than take it I suppose. Hang in there and speak with your doc about your depression issues. Just speaking with my nurse and her telling me I wasn't the only one made me feel better. Try to smiile a little today and go easy on yourself. Your body will let you know when it is ready for more.

[asccbodypro]

Thank you to all!

I just wanted to say thank you to each and everyone of you who gave very valuable and insightful input regarding the depression issue. As I said, it was certainly not an aspect of this surgery I ever gave any thought to. My body has calmed a little since dropping the one pill of valium. I added the second one back in with the advise of the pharmasist. I will see what the pain management specialist has to say today.

Even though I will have help through my husbands first patrol I am overwhelmed with him leaving. Not as much this week as last week now that the meds have settled down a little. Things are definitely in perspective. I think I will give myself some more time before trying to drop another dose. I need to be able to set an example when my husband leaves. If my children see me fall apart, they will be right behind me. That is unfair to them. Trying to wean off now is good for me bad for them. Knowing that I'm not the only one who has and is experiencing this certainly makes me feel better. I wouldn't wish this part of recovery on anyone. Time to be strong and force myself to stay focussed. Please remind me I said that the next time I fall apart. I will post later as to how the apt. went.

[kt2009]

Susan,

I know it must be difficult, but it sounds like you are really on top of things...despite how you feel. You're communicating with specialists and being true to how you feel.
Though I'm not experiencing depression, I had no idea emotionally what a toll this surgery would take. Every year I usually go to a big gorgeous house in Cape May NJ with about twenty moms over Columbus Day weekend. I planned to go this weekend...it's only a 3 hour trip and all the moms promised to baby me and take care of me. I probably could go, but last night I cried so hard because the thought of waking up three times a night and not having my husband beside me was too much. So I am not going to go...I'm just not ready. I was even afraid I'd miss my kids
Take each day as it comes...hug your kids and I'll be thinking of you.

[asccbodypro]

Kathy,

You are the first one who hit the nail on the head for me when you said you couldn't take your trip due to being afraid of not having your husband with you. THAT IS MY PROBLEM. My husband leaves on the 15 and I am having so much anxiety that I don't even feel like me anymore. There are times that thoughout my recovery that I couldn't even breath if he wasn't with me. That sounds so pathetic even to my own ears but that's the truth. This surgery made me so dependant on him in more ways than just the actual physical recovery side of things. I feel like he is the air that I breath. How do you tell someone that? No one else understands this. I am always the one who people look to and say "your so strong". I feel so weak right now.

In the long run I know that the best thing is for him to get underway again and let me learn to get myself back to my old independent self. I once thought that I would never have any issues with him leaving again. I have delt with years of underway time. I am older, more settled but I never thought I would be physically unable for any amount of time while he's gone. There are some things that my body just will not do right now and even though I have a 15 year old to help out I don't want him to feel like a mini daddy when his dad his gone. I feel guilty for having to rely on my son that much. Not that he isn't learning a valuable life lesson but still I feel bad. I guess in time these things will pass but I hear and understand your fear. Guess we both need to hang in there.

[Doodles]

Susan--
Your advice to Em on the top of page 3 was so perfect. Amen! I can certainly relate. Your last post about needing your husband is very accurate too. Those first few weeks I was so unbelievably needy--I couldn't do anything and he rose to the occasion. Once in the hospital or rehab, I can't remember, he had actually gone back to the motel for the night for once and left his number. A change of nurses and I was having a terrible night and insisted they call him. I gave the nurse his number, she dialed, and I left this sad, pathetic message. Unfortunately, I had given him our home phone number and of course he didn't get it & didn't come until morning. I was so upset. Later I listened to the message; it sounded like someone I didn't know at all. It is tough no doubt about it. Good luck to you both. Janet

[asccbodypro]

Janet,

I must say to some degree I think our husbands have been put through hell right along with us. For me I learned not until 4 months post op how long I had been in the icu and how bad it was and how that affected my husband. He never spoke about it in the beginning. I never thought to ask and he never brought it up. I hate being so needy but I am refocussing my energies on getting strong mentally. I had my appointment with my pain management specialist who actually turned out to be a physchologist who specialized in dealing with chronic pain and surgical pain. I was a little surprised at first but firgured it couldn't hurt to work with her a bit to see where it got me. She really dug into the past 5 years leading up to my surgery and how all the pain has brought me to this point. She made me realize that this is certainly a situational depression and will pass in time. Working with her may facilitate the process by making it easier along the way. I can't turn that down because I want to be strong for the kids and my husband is very nervous that I am not up to the task of being alone. We all rise to the occasion when we have to don't we. My mother in law in flying home tomorrow to take care of some business and will be back on Sunday. This will give me two days where I have to take care of the baby all alone. I think I may surprise myself. I won't have anyone telling me no. When people are constantly telling you that you can't doing something you start to believe them. Of course I know that everyone has had good intentions and wants me to heal correctly but in some ways they have hindered the process and caused this anxiety that I am now experiencing. This short break in her absense will let me know where I stand physically. So it's a good thing. She is very nervous but I am ready to attempt it on my own. If I have trouble I will call my husband and he'll come home from work. Not the end of the world. Last week in the haze of valium withdrawal it would have been. I think I might be making progress :O) I am hoping I can keep a good and clear attitude when he is gone. Time will tell....

[JenniferG]

This 2 day test will give you more confidence and lift your spirits, even if it's hard work. You sound a lot more positive already!

[Doodles]

I agree with Jennifer. You sound so much more positive and confident already. And we do tend to rise to the occasion, don't we. Just like our husbands did. I had the same experience. Even up to 5 months I was learning things I had no idea about or remembered at all. Quite interesting. Good luck, Susan. Janet

[Vali]

Susan, so sorry to read about your anxiety, but so happy tht you are now on the mend.
I put silly rhyme poem together in two minutes, dedicated to all the recoveries. Just pretend we are at Scoliosis Recovery camp, all lined up to do our walk, with our head leader yelling this out:-

One, two,
feeling new

Three, four,
push that pain - out the door

Five, six
give meds the flick

Seven, eight
nice and straight

Nine, ten
feeling 10 out of 10

Sorry its corny - was mean't to be cheery!

[JenniferG]

Vali, it worked cos it put a smile on my face!

[Vali]

Thanks Jen.

[wendyh]

Hi, this is a really good thread for me!!!!! I just had my 12 month check up. I was corrected to almost a zero from 50 degrees but had a very tough time with sacroilliac pain. My recovery has been as slow as slow can be and depression has been a problem. I already had one major clinical depression several years ago so I have been on meds and have a good Dr. This time around with my recovery from surgery I have been up and down, off and on pain meds....cried many, many tears of frustration....and bounced back again and again. I now have an excellent physical therapist and am going to begin swimming today. I recently took a trip too soon to Italy with my husband and walked too much up too many hills and was in agony with back spasms. Back to square one. So....this year has been one of challenges without a doubt. I also had to have cataract surgery????? craziness. anyway, I keep telling myself this too shall pass and try and focus on my beautiful adopted 6 year old daughter from China, try and get back into my jewelry making....try and tell myself that this will all be behind me at some point and maybe I will be helping someone else through this tunnel someday. Depression.....YES.....chronic pain and depression are partners in my battle I'm afraid...but we will get through it.

[asccbodypro]

One, two,
feeling new

Three, four,
push that pain - out the door

Five, six
give meds the flick

Seven, eight
nice and straight

Nine, ten
feeling 10 out oof 10

OK, Vali, so cute and a got a little giggle out of it as well! Thanks!

I have to report to all that I made it through my 2 day test with flying colors. I'm not even as sore as I thought I would be. The first morning after I was pretty sore but once I was up and moving I was ok. I am also lucky that my son is a verryy good little guy. I think I may have said in an earlier post that I wouldn't make any more med changes with the valium until my husband returns in a month. I feel that although I am ready I don't want the kids to see mom go through the emotional turmoil that I seem to have from withdrawals. I will wait until he is back. I am thinking of cutting back just by 10mgs on one dose of the oxycotin and see how that makes me feel. If I get weepy I will add it back in and wait until my husband is home. I find that the Tramadol works so much better for pain than the oxy anyways. Hopefully things will continue to go more smoothly from here on out! Take care to all and to all a good night!

[asccbodypro]

. Depression.....YES.....chronic pain and depression are partners in my battle I'm afraid...but we will get through it.[/QUOTE]

I am so sorry that you have depression and chronic pain to deal with all the time. It certainly does take it's toll and clouds the mind that's for sure. I have never experienced depression and anxiety to this degree and I hope that I never do again. I couldn't even pull myself out of bed one day and spent that entire day crying. We do get through it but it's a tough task that is for certain. Congrats on your adaption with your little girl. That right there is something to celebrate every day and hopefully puts a smile on your face!

[JenniferG]

Susan, that's good news about your two days coping alone! I hope this has given you more confidence than you had, that you will cope again in the future. You are sounding better, I hope you are feeling better too.

Wendy, I'm so sorry that you've had such a difficult recovery. I hope you'll come to this forum more often and see that everyone's recovery is different. We can't measure our recovery against someone else's. Having said that, I can't imagine how you Mums of young children cope, it must be so much harder than those of us who are into the grandchildren stage - those we can hand back!