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Thread: Guilt an' stuff/rant

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Moldova/Romania, Chisinau

    Guilt an' stuff/rant

    Hey, it's me again ranting.

    Basically, I've got some severe guilt issues about my spine illness. Well, this guilt thing was thoroughly nurtured since early childhood. When I feel this guilt I start thinking that maybe if I would have done more swimming, more passionately, more exercises, more you name it then my back illness wouldn't have had progressed and it's all my fault. Overall I like to think that I've got these guilt monsters under control. Once in a while this crap gets out of control though.

    Anyway I went to a neurologist because of my headaches. Anyway I had this impression that I was accused- like - why haven't you done anything all these years!? And I started thinking - yeah, lets see- idiotic massage- nowadays it helps (sometimes) for exactly half an hour during the session- expensive thing, doesn't help now, it didn't help in the past(been doing it since 6 yo), swimming, here things get interesting. I've been doing it since the age of 7. Hated it with all my heart. Skipped a lot(and pocketed the money) when I was 14-15. When I was 21-23 started to be passionate(in a way) about it. Stopped because of back pain and because of severe pain in my chest when swimming, can't breath properly. Still people think swimming is a relaxing activity. What a lie. Swimming is a very, very intensive sport. There's nothing relaxing about it. What else? Quacks lots of quacks. Specifically the massage people.

    Anyway the neurologist was making some comments about my posture. I don't know if you can find a more posture conscious person. I had to have psychotherapy to learn how not to be conscious about it. Anyway. I tried to have a good posture. It's impossible to have a good posture with 75+ degrees in your back. That's just stupid.

    Anyway I'm not very active. One of the reasons are headaches. Specifically exercise headaches. I just hate sports and with good reason. Even cycling is dangerous, because I get dizzy

    /End rant
    Attachment 1493 Coronal plane
    Attachment 1494 Sagittal plane

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Yacolt, WA

    Random thoughts....

    Delta, I thought that I was the Queen of guilt and "what ifs"....but I think that we are maybe tied. Maybe we could do group therapy?

    The following is just my opinion, not a medical opinion.

    You didn't cause the curve and doing or not doing any exercise program would not have changed anything. "You got what you got."

    I cannot remember your history, but will look it up later as i am on my cell phone and add here.

    Wishing you peace in whatever you choose to do,
    Adult Onset Degen Scoliosis @65, 25* T & 36* L w/ 11.2 cm coronal balance; T kyphosis 90*; Sev disc degen T & L stenosis

    2013: T3- S1 Fusion w/ ALIF L4-S1/XLIF L2-4, PSF T4-S1 2 surgeries
    2014: Hernia @ ALIF repaired; Emergency screw removal SCI T4,5 sec to PJK
    2015: Rev Broken Bil T & L rods and no fusion: 2 revision surgeries; hardware P. Acnes infection
    2016: Ant/Lat Lumbar diskectomy w/ 4 cages + BMP + harvested bone
    2018: Removal L4,5 screw
    2021: Removal T1 screw & rod

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2014
    I had the same problem, feeling of extreme guilt about my condition and that pulled me into depression and really bad mental state for almost a year. Than, when I done all the research I could and seen that there is no evidence that excercise could stop the progression and that prevalence of scoliosis in swimmers and gimnasts is much higher than other population, I realized that there was nothing I could really do about it. Also, I got the brace and wore it one time to school when I was 15 and when I got home I smashed it with aks and a hammer into pieces. This was the best decision I ever made. I really don't understand how a teenage boy or girl could wear that thing for 24 hours, it is a nightmare. If I kept wearing that thing I would be in mental hospital now, I am sure. And that brace only got about 5° correction and even if I wore that thing it most likely wouldn't do nothing except pain on my ribs.
    Please don't blame yourself, this is what we got despite our will.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Blame is a funny thing. Worry is too. Neither one gets us any where. As some of us,depending on age, grew up at a time nobody even mentioned scoliosis. And we played hard and outside as much as we were allowed. So we walked to school , rode our bikes and ran. All good exercises that kept us strong, but scoliosis still happened. I hope you find an Answer to your headache.
    T10-pelvis fusion 12/08
    C5,6,7 fusion 9/10
    T2--T10 fusion 2/11
    C 4-5 fusion 11/14
    Right scapulectomy 6/15
    Right pectoralis major muscle transfer to scapula
    To replace the action of Serratus Anterior muscle 3/16
    Broken neck 9/28/2018
    Emergency surgery posterior fusion C4- T3
    Repeated 11/2018 because rods pulled apart added T2 fusion
    Removal of partial right thoracic hardware 1/2020
    Removal and replacement of C4-T10 hardware with C7 and T 1

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