Frustration

[annm]

we have an appointment in June, in the meantime...my mom has been telling my daughter and other people that she doesn't need the surgery and that with the right kind of physical therapy should be enough, she is "almost" ready to fight me on this, I know she needs the surgery and my daughter knows, but because of my mom I think she may be falling into some doubt...I'm so frustrated

[Pooka1]

we have an appointment in June, in the meantime...my mom has been telling my daughter and other people that she doesn't need the surgery and that with the right kind of physical therapy should be enough, she is "almost" ready to fight me on this, I know she needs the surgery and my daughter knows, but because of my mom I think she may be falling into some doubt...I'm so frustrated

Ask her what evidence she bases her claims on.

You don't need to be dealing with this. I am so sorry.

[rohrer01]

Annm,

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, too. Fortunately, I don't have meddling parents who interfered with the decisions I made as to whether or not my kids needed surgery. I had two that had surgeries, but not for scoli. If you can't reason with your mom, this may be the time to discontinue discussing your daughter's scoliosis and treatment with her. Talk with your daughter about it in a gentle way to let her know that grandma is concerned for her, but the doctor knows best how to help her scoliosis. This is a really tough position to be in since many daughters want to talk and vent to 'mom' about stuff. You'll just have to try to avoid this subject all together. Again, I'm sorry you are put into this position. I hope your mom comes around and is supportive after the procedure.

Rohrer01

[Pooka1]

You might want to focus on the insanity/irrationality of an untrained lay person even having an opinion much less having an opinion in conflict with an experienced pediatric orthopedic surgeon.

That would be my approach I think. It has the added benefit of requiring your daughter to think for herself and not rely on you or your mother. My kids are always required to think for themselves and have an open invitation to challenge me with EVIDENCE and LOGIC.

[mariaf]

I, too, am really sorry you have to deal with this. You don't need that on top of everything else - you have obviously done the best for your daughter and are following the advice of doctors who specialize in scoliosis. Maybe you can explain to your mother that nobody WANTS to put their child through surgery, but that is what the TRAINED PROFESSIONALS are advising and so that is what you are doing - period - and ask that she please not make the situation worse.

Not sure if she will listen, but it's worth a try. And as Sharon said, I would ask her what she is basing her opinion on since PT has never been proven to permanantly correct a curve, as just about all pediatric orthopedic specialists would agree.

Best of luck.

[Karen Ocker]

Sometimes showing the X-rays shocks people when the scoliosis doesn't seem bad enough to the onlooker. Another idea is to show some really bad curves from the Internet as to what can really happen, later in life, to progressing, uncorrected curves. I suspect, the bottom line is, your mom is afraid.

A picture is worth a thousand words(arguments?).

[susancook]

Grandmoms are sometimes from an era when surgery was to be avoided at all cost and when they didn't have the advance techniques that they have today. What is she afraid of? Is it your child's surgery or is this her pattern of dealing with health care? I agree to show her the xrays. It would be great if PT would cure it and as a mom, of course you want the best for your child and would not want your child to have surgery if it were not needed.

You are the mom and the guardian for your child and you're been to the appointments and weighed the pros and cons with the doctor. Not having the surgery can lead to long term problems and further disability in children. So, do all of the rational things that you probably have already done w/ your mom and talk to your daughter as mentioned above [that was a great mom-daughter discussion that a prev person had]. Finally, have coffee w/ your mom and tell her that for medical reasons and your child's long term health, your daughter will have the surgery. That it would be so much easier on her grandaughter if EVERYONE was supportive, and if she can't be supportive, then just smile and give a hug to her grandaughter.
Good luck. What a tough place to be in, but you have the right instinct.
Susan

[Pooka1]

Susan, those are all good arguments that hinge on the grandmother valuing evidence. She does not. What evidence can you present to convince someone who doesn't value evidence that they need to look at evidence? None.

I blame our culture where a large majority think they have a pass to operate without evidence and make claims based on nothing. Society provides lots of cover for folks to think they don't have to have evidence for their claims. And innocent kids and mothers pay the price.