This is a little off topic for the thread, but Lisa Nicole's post of her ten year anniversary and her song about her surgery lot me thinking about how my scoliosis has defined my life in many ways.
At 8 years old, it made me different, made me "the girl in the back brace". It changed my relationships with other children, made me self-conscious and shy. It kept me from being picked for sports teams at recess, took ballet class off my schedule.
At 12 it made me the ugly duckling when all the other girls looked like swans to me. It kept me out of intramural sports, even though I did want to participate.
At 14 it sent me into a deep depression when I had to start high school, where I thought I would get a new beginning in a school where no one ever knew me in the brace. Instead my lumbar curve fell apart and I had to start high school back in the brace, and I retreated into a lonely emotional shell.
At 15 when I was free of the brace for many hours of the day, my scoliosis made me seek out approval from the opposite sex at any cost, the results of which I probably don't have to explain.
Throughout high school my rocky start kept me in a state of emotional isolation that left me nearly friendless and desperate to start over somewhere else.
Because of my scoliosis I moved clear across the country when I graduated from high school, desperate again to get a new start somewhere where I wasn't "the girl in the back brace".
And because of all the above, I never gained much self-confidence, always sought the approval of others (even to this day) over the enrichment of myself.
Because of my scoliosis, I decided to remain childless, lest I should put some innocent child through the Hell I lived through. I couldn't live with that.
And at 52, because of my scoliosis I live in pain, have to limit my physical activities at a time when I want to be 100% for my 3 year old granddaughter (step-granddaughter)...and still, after all these years, feel ugly most of the time. I don't really let people know it, though, and the shyness is long gone.
I write this not to say "poor little me", because I have always felt that if only I had been stronger, a tougher personality, I would have dealt with all of it better. I feel that another child would have rolled with the punches and not taken the whole thing so seriously and personally. I feel that another child might well have remained confident and self assured. I look back at how I reacted then, how painfully shy I was, how self-conscious, and I think how much I wish I could go back to that little girl and kick her in the ass, and tell her to just jump into everything and forget about what people thought (and they probably never did near as much thinking or noticing as I thought they did at the time).
Anyway, my scoliosis really has heavily influenced most of the major choices in my life, possibly all of them. I'd be interested to hear what others would say about this.
At 8 years old, it made me different, made me "the girl in the back brace". It changed my relationships with other children, made me self-conscious and shy. It kept me from being picked for sports teams at recess, took ballet class off my schedule.
At 12 it made me the ugly duckling when all the other girls looked like swans to me. It kept me out of intramural sports, even though I did want to participate.
At 14 it sent me into a deep depression when I had to start high school, where I thought I would get a new beginning in a school where no one ever knew me in the brace. Instead my lumbar curve fell apart and I had to start high school back in the brace, and I retreated into a lonely emotional shell.
At 15 when I was free of the brace for many hours of the day, my scoliosis made me seek out approval from the opposite sex at any cost, the results of which I probably don't have to explain.
Throughout high school my rocky start kept me in a state of emotional isolation that left me nearly friendless and desperate to start over somewhere else.
Because of my scoliosis I moved clear across the country when I graduated from high school, desperate again to get a new start somewhere where I wasn't "the girl in the back brace".
And because of all the above, I never gained much self-confidence, always sought the approval of others (even to this day) over the enrichment of myself.
Because of my scoliosis, I decided to remain childless, lest I should put some innocent child through the Hell I lived through. I couldn't live with that.
And at 52, because of my scoliosis I live in pain, have to limit my physical activities at a time when I want to be 100% for my 3 year old granddaughter (step-granddaughter)...and still, after all these years, feel ugly most of the time. I don't really let people know it, though, and the shyness is long gone.
I write this not to say "poor little me", because I have always felt that if only I had been stronger, a tougher personality, I would have dealt with all of it better. I feel that another child would have rolled with the punches and not taken the whole thing so seriously and personally. I feel that another child might well have remained confident and self assured. I look back at how I reacted then, how painfully shy I was, how self-conscious, and I think how much I wish I could go back to that little girl and kick her in the ass, and tell her to just jump into everything and forget about what people thought (and they probably never did near as much thinking or noticing as I thought they did at the time).
Anyway, my scoliosis really has heavily influenced most of the major choices in my life, possibly all of them. I'd be interested to hear what others would say about this.
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