Sami, I am very worried about you. You are a mom with kids to help grow and love and grand kids to love and hold, yet there appears to me to be an encryption in your story with your words of "life tastes like bitter dust" and waiting to die for relief that has says to me that you may have some very dark thoughts and need some professional help with counseling. Please consider it. You have a future ahead of you in your children and grand kids and there is help out there both with counseling and medical or further orthopedic spine doctors.
Sorry, I cannot remember, how far out are you from surgery?
I went into counseling before surgery and am still going for reasons other than the surgery, but it was helpful when I hit the wall on some postop problems, that I had a professional to turn to. Consider it.
Also, sounds like you need a new perspective from another spine surgeon as in reading what you wrote, he seems to be blowing you off. Consider that. Also, like Linda said, you may have underlying medical problems.
What's going on with your abdomen? Did you have an ALIF?
We are all here to help you. Please remember that. You are not alone. Yes, there are many posts from people that are happy after surgery, but there are others that were happy after revisions or with time. I am not saying that you need a revision, just a thought. Almost no one goes through the surgery without some kind of problem either big or small. We were all broken before the surgery, sometimes it takes a while for thing to settle out or to figure out what is wrong. Do not give up.
I will send you a PM with my phone number and email. If you want to talk or correspond via email, I and others are willing to do that. I am not a counselor, but am a medical professional and want to reach out to you if you want.
Please continue to post here and let us know how you are doing. We care.
A gentle hug to you, Susan
Adult Onset Degenerative Scoliosis @65, 25* T & 36* L w/ 11.2 cm coronal balance; T kyphosis 90*; Severe disc degen T & L stenosis
2013: T3- S1 Fusion w/ ALIF L4-S1/XLIF L2-4, PSF T4-S1 2 surgeries
2014: Hernia @ ALIF repaired; Emergency screw removal Spinal Cord Injury T4,5 sec to PJK
2015: Revision Broken Bil T & L rods and no fusion: 2 revision surgeries; hardware P. Acnes infection
2016: Ant/Lat Lumbar diskectomy w/ 4 cages + BMP + harvested bone
2018: Removal L5 screw