feeling sorry for myself

[mabeckoff]

Here it is 4:30am and I am awake. I am awake from the pain for which I cannot get anything for another 1.5 hours. I do not recall when I have had pain this bad and could not get anything for it. I feel so alone. My husband has finally lost it or I am just tired of living this like. One day this week, I think that it was Wednesday I checked my checking account and found that he had taken $27 without my permission . So I texted him about it and he said that he was going to ask my permission that night when he comes to the hospital. So that night he shows up at the hospital with Chinese food for himself and did not bring me anything. So we are sitting there and eating our dinner and he keeps asking me what is wrong . So I finally told him how angry I am with him , which is a no-no. In 29 years of marriage, he has never accepted that he might be responsible for a situation.He , of course , turns it on me and I start crying. So he does what he always does in these situations;which is nothing. He continues eating and watching TV. So Thursday night he comes and acts like nothing is wrong, which means he brings in his dinner , eats it and watches TV and then leaves to go home. Last night, he shows up without any dinner . I ask him why and he tells me that it is because of my big mouth . He says that means I won't complain because of what he gets to eat for himself. So the nurse sees that he is not eating and sees that I has way too much food so she asks me if he can have it. What can I say except yes. I know what he is mad about but will not mention is the fact that he has alot of driving to do because he cannot spend nights at rehab and therefore he has to interact with our son Jarret whom he hates.I know what I have to do is leave him but then I think of the good times. The problem is the good times are less and less. I am still in so much pain which I do not what is all about. Before he left last night, he asks me if I have my schedule for the next day He knows that the schedule comes out in the morning, . Just another something for him to complain about. I am also stressed about the other surgery that my surgeon wants me to have as I will not be able to drive for another 4 weeks .

Thanks for listening

Melissa

[Susie*Bee]

Melissa-- I am so glad that you posted and shared with us. That is so much for you to deal with on top of the surgery. My heart goes out to you-- as I'm sure everyone who reads this will also say or think. Life is so unfair sometimes. All I can say right now is that you are one tough cookie and you WILL make it through this. It will make you a stronger person and then you can deal with your marriage problems. Right now just try to deal with getting through the healing from this surgery and on to the next. I will be praying for you. Take it one step at a time and try to blot out your husband's insensitivity and inability to understand what you are going through. It sounds like he has a communication problem and an ego problem. Just remember that none of that is your fault. Stay strong. We are here for you. Love and hugs, Susie

[peachrush7]

melissa,

so sorry to hear how awful things are right now. I can't imagine not feeling supported or comforted during this extremely difficult time. I know having surgery after surgery can put a strain on even the strongest relationships, and count my blessings when I see that my husband and I have managed to survive 4 surgeries in our first 4 years of marriage. But we've definitely had hard times. I think the person not going through the physical challenge sometimes just decides they need to check out, or take a break because they just can't feel our pain, and sometimes it seems like there is no end to it all. I felt sometimes that because I had been through so much, by the time we got to the full fusion, he was almost numb to it, because he'd seen me recover from 3 surgeries. He was wonderful and supportive, but sometimes I felt like he didn't "get" it, that this one was waaaay worse than the others. Once, I remember I listed out all the pills I was taking, and their side effects, and was like I FEEL all of these side effects PLUS muscle pain, PLUS nerve pain...and he was like "oh I'm so sorry. You look like you've got it together so much of the time, I just forget sometimes." I don't know what it's like to be in his shoes, he's not perfect but I'm thankful for how well he has handled it. But it can't be easy if you feel like they aren't even trying to help you or support you, or care how you feel.

It's not fair, and it's not right...I hope you get some rest, and some strength back. You are fighting a war right now, and you need all the help you can get!

We're here for you...

[mabeckoff]

Thanks so much for your support, I really need it and will for a while

I love you guys

Melissa

[JenniferG]

I can only reiterate what has already been said. So very sorry that you're going through all this, and I can only say again that you need to keep your eye on the light at the end of the tunnel. You're on your way, and even though it seems a long way off, you are getting there. Right now, the healing is most important. Because after you're healed, (and I know there's one more surgery to face yet) you are free then to deal with these other issues.

Leaving your husband is never an easy decision. But if I was you, I wouldn't be entertaining those thoughts right now, it's energy you need for healing. I know, easier said than done. In anger, it's hard not to think along those lines.

I hope you got your medication and it gave you relief. It's still hard to read about people in pain, even 2.5 years post surgery, you remember the alone-ness and the desperation. That's why it's so important to keep thinking about the day this is all over and you will finally be able to be in charge of your own life again. Your doctor right now, is your best friend, because he's going to make that happen. You still have a lot of living to do, and it's going to be a hell of a lot happier than it is now. You're strong but these difficulties will make you stronger Melissa. Hang in there!

[debbei]

I agree with Jen. You may well have had thoughts of leaving for a while, but this isn't the time to concentrate on that. The important thing is getting you fixed up and strong, and then you can decide what to do with the rest of your life.

Take one day at a time, and vent to us whenever you need to.

I hope the pain is more manageable now. ((Hugs))

[Doreen1]

I'm praying for you to have relief from your pain, a safe recovery and for God to guide your marriage.

Warmly,
Doreen

[babyboomer16]

Pain control~~~?

Hi Malissa, You are so brave to be doing what you're doing. I know because I am looking at my third surgery to correct scoliosis. Please consentrate on you and you only. It has to be scarey when you are recovering from this huge surgery and the people you are depending on to help you, are letting you down. Although my husband and I are not fighting, I can tell just by the way he acts he's tired of it all. And I don't blame him for that-so am I. But I can't live this way. I have to try to fix this horrible pain and disability. And we are trying to get better, so we can be better partners and mothers and grandmothers and whatever ! Right? It is hard on everyone--but they should be in our shoes!
A pain question: Hows the pain control been at the hospital you are at? You said you were in terrible pain in your post, at 4:30 A.M. in the morn. I have a time after my surgeries, because I have been on pain meds. for a long time,(15 years) and my tolerance is low. So the staff has to work hard to keep my pain under control. In most hospitals they have pain managment to do this. But this is a "huge surgery", and it's very hard to control the pain. Are they doing all they can for you, do you think? Oh, STRESS makes pain worse , so hubby is really for sure going to have to be put on the back burner until you are recovered and able to do things for yourself. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. You hang in there!! boomer

[Doodles]

I'm glad I can follow all the above advice and say I agree and can't imagine having that problem on top of surgery. Yes, you've got to concentrate on you! Just throwing this out there...would it be helpful to give your husband a night off? Suggesting he might just want to go home and relax, catch a movie, etc. etc. It sounds to me like you might prefer an evening to yourself. Ask for some movies--funny ones! Many hospitals have them. If nothing here sounds plausible, just know we are all praying and sending positive support your way. Janet

[mabeckoff]

It was just that one time between 4:30am and 6am. My pain has been totatlly controlled. They are great home in this rehab.

Thanks for the good wishes. I went out today and there was no way that after my surgery last year I could have gone out after 2 weeks


Melissa

[JenniferG]

Hi Melissa, so nice to know the bad pain was only temporary and that overall, you're happy with the rehab. I'm glad they're looking after you well.

Also glad you can favourably compare what you are able to do at the same time post-op as last time. It's a sign of good things to come. You so deserve a great outcome.

[mabeckoff]

Yes I had a nice outing yesterday with my son and husband. I cannot live with my husband any more. I cannot tolerate his mood swings. I am doing very well here in rehab , much better than last time.

Thanks everyone for their good wishes and prayers

Melissa

[jrnyc]

i know you have so very much to cope with all at once!
i hope you can take care of yourself and have time to heal, before you have to cope with other issues...

if the other things cannot wait any longer...please have a place ready....a plan of where and how to live...
please have "alternate plan B" ready...or several alternate plans....
and i would think it will be very hard to make any plans while you are in pain!

please do not make any decisions too quickly...even if the decisions have been in your thoughts for quite a while...
i worry about you being able to think and cope so soon after surgery...

whatever you decide, thoughts and prayers are with you...
jess

[curvykatie]

You poor thing, such a lot to cope with. Concentrate on yourself first though Melissa and do whats right for you and your recovery.

Good luck and take care.

Katie

[mabeckoff]

Thanks everyone for your good wishes. I have made it to the end of rehab. I am taking my first shower , after three weeks. I cannot wait. I am very nervous about going home. The rehab is very easy to be in. Everything you want or need is right here for you. It is set up so there should be no problems.


Melissa