Today has been a particularly bad day. I don't know if things in my back are beginning to change quicker or what's going on, but in the last month the pain has grown exponentially. Honestly, I'm scared to death. I just never, never expected to be in this situation. My life has always been so average. I've always fallen in the "normal" category of everything. This is not normal and I'm having trouble wrapping my head around it.
The way the pain is increasing, I just wonder if revision is in my near future rather than my distant future. I haven't seen the neurosurgeon for the second opinion, but I know my body and I've done enough research that I think I know the score. IF that is the road I need to take, I have timing issues that I have to take into consideration when I schedule the surgery. Because I work for a state senator, my job is dependent on who gets elected. My current boss, who is great, is term limited so I will have to find a ďnew daddyĒ, as my friend and I put it. Hopefully the person that wins the senate seat my current boss holds will pick me up, but there are no guarantees. I absolutely can not afford to be off work after October with the election in November. I need to be in a position to interview and plead my case that Iím the best person for the job and not have to explain that at some point in the next year or so Iíll need several months off for a major surgery. Also, I cannot be off work any time January through May because thatís when the legislature is in session and itís our busiest time of the year. If, God forbid, I do not get hired by a senator or representative, I will be without a job and without insurance. The thought of that scares the living daylights out of me! With all that said, if I decide that surgery is the best option for me, I have to really take into consideration the timing of it.
My husband isnít terribly excited about additional surgery. Itís not that he doesnít want me to feel better, heís just afraid of the potential complications that are present with any surgery, especially a spine surgery of this magnitude. I am too. Terrified actually. But I think Iím less afraid of the possible complications than I am the idea of being in this much pain the rest of my life and stooping over. I also think he feels Iím trying to rush into it, but Iím just trying to have a plan in place and be prepared for all possible scenarios. Iím hoping to have his support no matter what I decide. He will be my primary care giver and I will have to have his help. He is an attorney with his own law office. No partners no associates. So taking off work for him poses quite a problem. Iím guessing thatís a major factor in his reluctance but I have no doubt if itís decided surgery this summer is the best option, he will take great care of me.
My mom is REALLY not in favor of another surgery. Like my husband, sheís scared. But she also believes in natural healing, reflexology, homeopathy and all that jazz. Sheís a very important part of my life, a best friend. We talk every day, discuss everything. I just hope sheíll come around no matter what is decided.
Iím not as efficient in my job as I need to be, Iím not taking care of business at home like I need to (laundry, keeping the house clean, cooking, yada yada yada), Iím not even being a good ďwifeĒ, bless my husbands patient heart. Iím trying so hard to pretend everything is fine, but when I get home from work, all I want to do is go to bed. Last night, I did lay down when I got home and cried for a while. It was very therapeutic. I was having a bit of a pity party and thinking about all the things I canít do but want to. Then I got to thinking about what it WILL be like when Iím pain free. How will it change my life? This has been a part of my existence for so long I canít remember how to function without get through the day without compensating. Iím almost scared. Does that sound crazy to be afraid to live life without pain? Great, I think Iíve gone nuts!
I really really apologize for the horribly long post. I have wonderful friends that sympathize with me, put itís just not the same as venting to people that truly understand what itís like. Thanks everyone for being patient!