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mbeckoff
01-24-2010, 09:32 PM
Hello,

Just wanted to say if my level of stress could not get any worse before my 3/11 surgery ; my husband told me today that he wants a divorce as soon as I will let him leave he is gone. He can't stand me and wants to leave so bad but does not want to look bad in front of people so he will stay until I feel that I no longer need him to help me at home.



Melissa

sccrm08
01-24-2010, 10:25 PM
Melissa,

I am so sorry to hear this. Right now you don't need any extra stress in your life. Best of luck with everything.

naptown78
01-24-2010, 10:31 PM
So sorry Melissa to hear this! Very bad timing on his part...you need all the support you can get at this time. Do you have another family member who can pitch in after your surgery?

sheri66
01-24-2010, 10:53 PM
Melissa,I am so sorry to hear that.The timing is horrible.Try an stay positive.You really don't need that extra stress at this time.Good luck with everything.

Doodles
01-24-2010, 10:57 PM
Melissa--So sorry about this. Like Kristi said I hope there's a family member or friend you can depend on during this. I think your doctor may want to know this information since your mental state during surgery and recovery is important. I wish I had some magic I could work for you to make this all better. Janet

mbeckoff
01-24-2010, 11:07 PM
Thanks for all of your good wishes

I have no family except for my two wonderful children Allyson 17 years old and Jarret 14 years old. I have no other living relatives. My Mom passed away in 2002 and My Dad in 2006 . We have lived in NC since 2007 and I have made some wonderful friends here who will take good care of me.

I do not really know what I want at this time. My husband is mentally ill and has been for a long time and needs to get help but refuses to do so. Both of my children are special needs kids and cannot live with him too much longer as the stress he brings into our home is unbelievable.

I do not really care what he does at this time any more. He will not be much of a help anyway. If the attention is not on him, he will find a way to bring it onto him.

Needless to say, I was a little shocked when he said it today however.

It will be interesting to see what the next 6 weeks will be like

Thanks again for the good wishes

Melissa

joyfull
01-24-2010, 11:12 PM
Melissa, I too am going through a divorce after 38 years of marriage. I have been shocked and traumatized by what my husband has been doing. I started on paxil to cope with that stress (I have hardly ever taken even an antibiotic) but I am so pleased with the results that I know it will help me through surgery as well. I am planning on having surgery this summer if I go with Dr. Lonner, or hopefully next summer if I go with Dr. Lenke in Missouri. When I was happily married, the needed to fix my back faded into the background since I knew my husband accepted me and I have never had pain. Now that at 57 I am looking at life on my own, I am much more self conscious about it (my thoracic curve is 90 degrees with a significant kyphosis, although my posture is good so with loose clothes it's not that noticeable). Is there anyone else who can help you? I would think that having a husband around who has one foot out the door couldn't feel too good. I would strongly recommend counseling and some anti-anxiety medication so you can see what it does for you. My thoughts are with you. Joy

JenniferG
01-24-2010, 11:21 PM
If that's the way he feels, perhaps it's best for you to encourage him to go now? Sounds like your kids are suffering from his presence and your friends would be more reliable in caring for you post-op anyway. You might feel a huge sense of relief if he went right away. I know I did...many years ago. My ex husband also had mental health issues, still has, to the extent he has been unable to work for 20 years. Even so, we've managed to remain friends, since the reasons for the terrible time we had, were out of his control.

jrnyc
01-24-2010, 11:32 PM
melissa...i think you will need to be in rehab as long as possible, as they have the people to help you...it is important that you let your doctor know your situation....
i am so sorry for the stress that this puts you under...but there will be a way! when i first discussed the surgery, i was alone & on my own & we talked about putting me in rehab as long as possible...now i am married & discussing the surgery....but i know that when i was alone, the doctor was willing to work with my situation...also with a home health aide if needed to help me at home....

you will come out of this OK....i am sorry about the timing!

take care
jess

mbeckoff
01-24-2010, 11:39 PM
Joy-I am going on Xanax both becasue of the surgery and because of this situation. I have been married 28 years this June . I have no relatives except for my 2 teenage children.My DD is 17 and my DS is 14. I have many good friends here even though I have only lived in NC since 2007 and I am from the North.I really do not think that many of those 28 years have been happy because of his mental illness that he has refused to go get help for. When he is not down , he is fun to be with but when he is down no one can do any thing right and there is nothing anyone can do that can change that.

Jennifer- He is afraid of what people will say if he leaves now. I said to him what they will not think badly if you if you leave me 2 weeks after surgery?
I really do think leaving now would be a good thing for all but if he thinks that I want him to leave now then he won't

Everyone Thanks for your good wishes

Melissa

debbei
01-25-2010, 06:16 AM
Melissa,
I am so sorry that you're having to go through this rough time right now, of all times. All I can do is send my support and ((Hugs))

Susie*Bee
01-25-2010, 06:26 AM
Melissa-- I was so sorry to read this when I got up this morning. That is rotten timing, to say the least. If it were out of the blue, this would be crushing. It sounds like you would probably do just as well without him there, it would remove all that negative tension, and so hopefully that will happen. There have been others who handled their surgeries on their own because they were single-- and they managed. It's a little difficult, but with planning ahead (stocking up on food, supplies, etc.) and having someone check on you and be able to run the occasional errand (like picking up meds at the drug store), it is do-able. There are older threads that can help you with that-- we can point you in the right direction to read those. As others have mentioned, it is also something your surgeon should be made aware of... and the hospital won't release you until they think you will be able to do enough to get by... There's also the option of going to a rehab center for a little bit, where you can recover just a tad more, with supervision and help. I am praying for you-- and I know you'll get through this-- it's just tough. Hugs, Susie

mbeckoff
01-25-2010, 10:05 AM
Melissa,
I am so sorry that you're having to go through this rough time right now, of all times. All I can do is send my support and ((Hugs))


Support and ((hugs)) are good

Thanks

Melissa

PS -where in central NJ are you from? I lived in Bordentown for almost 20 years

mbeckoff
01-25-2010, 10:11 AM
SusieB- I can going to tell my surgeon about my husband when I have my last pre-op appointment at the end of Feb. You are right about the tension. I so wish that he would leave.The three of us would feel so much better. I want to go to a rehab before I come home.My kids and I would manage just fine with out him .My dd is 17 and drives and is very helpful .

Thanks for the kind wishes and the ((hugs)).

Melissa

loves to skate
01-25-2010, 12:37 PM
Hi Melissa,

I'm so sorry about the timing of this. I hope that things will work out for the better for you. You really don't need to deal with a mentally ill husband right now, so I hope for your sake, that he will just leave so that you can move on. You are blessed to have two teen children who are willing to help you through this surgery. Councilling for you and the children is a good idea if you can manage it. More hugs and prayers coming your way.

Sally

mbeckoff
01-26-2010, 12:20 AM
Thanks
Life is not about our timing but God;s timing. I am also being sued by my brother over my Dad's estate. My DS goes for counseling and my DD will not go because she says that she will not share her inner most feelings and thoughts with a total stranger. She has a form of autism , called Aspegers. I will get thru this . I do so wish that he would leave because life is so much more peaceful without him here than when he is here.
Thanks for the hugs and prayers

Melissa




Hi Melissa,

I'm so sorry about the timing of this. I hope that things will work out for the better for you. You really don't need to deal with a mentally ill husband right now, so I hope for your sake, that he will just leave so that you can move on. You are blessed to have two teen children who are willing to help you through this surgery. Councilling for you and the children is a good idea if you can manage it. More hugs and prayers coming your way.

Sally

txmarinemom
01-26-2010, 12:42 AM
Melissa, I hate to hear of *anyone* with a bomb dropped on them that deviates from the surgical plan. It's tough enough to make the plan in the *first* place.

For your kids, I have no doubt you'll find a workaround.

So your daughter has Aspergers? She's functional - I'm gathering from your posts ... drives ... and your *core* family is happier without a non-contributing family member? That makes things easier - I'd think - for you.

You have some time ahead of you before surgery, right? If you feel the household will be better off without your husband in recovery, MAKE THAT HAPPEN, hon.

YOU have a family to raise.

2 months or 28 years of marriage ... *take charge*. Your kids are counting on you.

Pam

joyfull
01-26-2010, 02:40 PM
Melissa, Be careful with Xanax! It's really addictive and hard to get off of. I started with that I found I needed more very quickly. The Paxil has been so much better and keeps me very even. I recommend that you ask you doctor about it. All the best, Joy

mbeckoff
01-26-2010, 02:45 PM
Really, My Dr told me that I could take when I needed .I did not have to take it on a schedule. Will I still be become dependent on it that way? I really don't want that problem on top of everything else I have going in my life

Melissa




Melissa, Be careful with Xanax! It's really addictive and hard to get off of. I started with that I found I needed more very quickly. The Paxil has been so much better and keeps me very even. I recommend that you ask you doctor about it. All the best, Joy

jrnyc
01-26-2010, 04:50 PM
Dear Melissa
i would look into a rehab for the physical help...and a home health aide by way of your insurance...and a support group of divorced women when you ar feeling up to it physically...also if your insurance covers counseling...not cause there is anything wrong with you...just for support & a professional to listen! good professionals are good listeners!!

i was going to have the surgery before i got married, before i was even with my husband...i was looking into those options (minus the support group...i was single for 58 years, so kinda the opposite of you)...but your insurance should cover all options i mentioned...the more physical help you can get the better! because you will need to heal both ways...

will your husband leave when it is best for your health...regardless of "what others will think"...obviously, he isnt gonna look good to anybody no matter what...but there will be friends & others who will have your back...so to speak...there's a little joke to lighten thngs up! :rolleyes: seriously, please reach out..friends will be there...so will this forum....

best regards
jess...in CA...for 4 days

theizzard
01-27-2010, 10:25 PM
Taking the zanax on a prn basis is not too bad unless you begin to enjoy how you feel and decide to up the dose. You would possibly do much better to get on a good anti-depressant as joyfull said. Zanax is good if you are jumping out of your skin with anxiety but probably not a good idea to deal with this type of problem, which might be ongoing, at least for a few months (your husband). The longer you can stay in rehab the better off you will be.
Good luck to you and see if you can find a way to get your husband out as soon as possible. There is nothing worse when recovering from this type of surgery, than being stressed out by an ignorant spouse or friend or whoever. Better off with just those that really care for you.
Avis

joyfull
01-28-2010, 12:22 AM
Hi Melissa. I agree with Avis. Xanax may be fine for an acute episode of anxiety, but soon you may find that you need more to get the same effect. I kept telling my doctor that I was not so much depresed as anxious, so although the paxil is classified as an anti-depressant it is more of an anti-anxiety medication than some of the others. It can help you get through a long term difficult time. I am amazed at how well it works, with no side effects for me. I don't want to disagree with your doctor, but you might want to discuss it with him. All the best, Joy

mbeckoff
01-28-2010, 12:50 AM
I will call her in the morning and discuss the situation and see what she feels about which drug is better for me

Thanks for the advice

Life just seems very over whelming at times like now
Like at dinner when he said that he is not buying me a Valentine , which I don't really want but it is very sad because I have been with him since 1977 and since my parents are gone there is no one else that knows me that long

Melissa

JenniferG
01-28-2010, 01:38 AM
You have too much to deal with. He's only making it harder, putting the knife in and twisting it. This is just cruel right now, but perhaps his condition prevents him seeing what he's doing? Either way, it'd be better if he moved out, but if he won't, can you keep well away from him? Perhaps you should tell HIM it's over and to stay the hell away from you. Don't cook for him or wash his clothes. Afterall, he needs the practice.

JenniferG
01-28-2010, 01:45 AM
Sorry! That was a bit harsh.

But he's harming you by bringing you down right now, when you need as much going for you as you can get right now.

mbeckoff
01-28-2010, 10:54 AM
What a horrible morning

He "gives " money from his check to pay for food, gas for my car, drugs, doctors,and anything I and the kids want or need. It is not enough money . SO the balance goes on my credit cards.He also has money taken out of his check for a health care reimbursement plan. Well, I just found out today that the money that I pay out to doctors and drug stores, he now has going into his checking account instead of coming back into mine.

I know that I should go and see the divorce lawyer that I had met with several months ago but I just don't see if anything can really get done in 6 weeks before my suregry

I am just so upset

Thanks guys for listening

Yes it is only 6 weeks before my surgery and yes I asked my doctor for paxil instead of xanex

Melissa

Doodles
01-28-2010, 04:10 PM
Melissa--
I think Jennifer's advice was pretty darn good. Seeing a lawyer isn't a bad idea either. Even if you can't accomplish much at this point, you could get some things in place as far as what he has access to in your accounts. You don't want to see other money situations complicated--I think you need some legal advice especially since you won't be in shape to deal with this in a few weeks. It will be OK, just know the big problem--your back--is going to be taken care of soon. Hang in there. Janet