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  • Divorce

    Hello,

    Just wanted to say if my level of stress could not get any worse before my 3/11 surgery ; my husband told me today that he wants a divorce as soon as I will let him leave he is gone. He can't stand me and wants to leave so bad but does not want to look bad in front of people so he will stay until I feel that I no longer need him to help me at home.



    Melissa

  • #2
    Melissa,

    I am so sorry to hear this. Right now you don't need any extra stress in your life. Best of luck with everything.
    Patty 51 years old
    Surgery May 23, 2007(43 Birthday)
    Posterior T3- L4
    Pre surgery curves
    T-53degrees
    L-38degrees
    and a severe side shift to the right.
    Post surgery curves
    Less than 10 degrees
    Surgery April, 2006
    C4 - C6

    Comment


    • #3
      So sorry Melissa to hear this! Very bad timing on his part...you need all the support you can get at this time. Do you have another family member who can pitch in after your surgery?
      May 2008 Fusion T4 - S1, Pre-op Curves T45, L70 (age 48). Unsuccessful surgery.

      March 18, 2010 (age 50). Revision with L3 Osteotomy, Replacement of hardware T11 - S1 , addition of bilateral pelvic fixation. Correction of sagittal imbalance and kyphosis.

      January 24, 2012 (age 52) Revision to repair pseudoarthrosis and 2 broken rods at L3/L4.

      Comment


      • #4
        Melissa,I am so sorry to hear that.The timing is horrible.Try an stay positive.You really don't need that extra stress at this time.Good luck with everything.
        Aug.17,09 Anterior
        Aug.20,09 Posterior
        Fused T-10 to Sacral Pelvis
        Cedars-Sinai
        Dr.Pashman

        Sheri 47 years young
        Husband married 30 years
        3 kids 29,28,25
        4 grandkids 10,8,5,3

        Comment


        • #5
          Melissa--So sorry about this. Like Kristi said I hope there's a family member or friend you can depend on during this. I think your doctor may want to know this information since your mental state during surgery and recovery is important. I wish I had some magic I could work for you to make this all better. Janet
          Janet

          61 years old--57 for surgery

          Diagnosed in 1965 at age of 13--no brace
          Thoracic Curve: 96 degrees to 35 degrees
          Lumbar Curve: 63 degrees to 5 degrees
          Surgery with Dr. Lenke in St. Louis--March 30, 2009
          T-2 to Pelvis, and hopefully all posterior procedure.

          All was posterior along with 2 cages and 6 osteotomies.

          Comment


          • #6
            Thanks for all of your good wishes

            I have no family except for my two wonderful children Allyson 17 years old and Jarret 14 years old. I have no other living relatives. My Mom passed away in 2002 and My Dad in 2006 . We have lived in NC since 2007 and I have made some wonderful friends here who will take good care of me.

            I do not really know what I want at this time. My husband is mentally ill and has been for a long time and needs to get help but refuses to do so. Both of my children are special needs kids and cannot live with him too much longer as the stress he brings into our home is unbelievable.

            I do not really care what he does at this time any more. He will not be much of a help anyway. If the attention is not on him, he will find a way to bring it onto him.

            Needless to say, I was a little shocked when he said it today however.

            It will be interesting to see what the next 6 weeks will be like

            Thanks again for the good wishes

            Melissa

            Comment


            • #7
              Melissa, I too am going through a divorce after 38 years of marriage. I have been shocked and traumatized by what my husband has been doing. I started on paxil to cope with that stress (I have hardly ever taken even an antibiotic) but I am so pleased with the results that I know it will help me through surgery as well. I am planning on having surgery this summer if I go with Dr. Lonner, or hopefully next summer if I go with Dr. Lenke in Missouri. When I was happily married, the needed to fix my back faded into the background since I knew my husband accepted me and I have never had pain. Now that at 57 I am looking at life on my own, I am much more self conscious about it (my thoracic curve is 90 degrees with a significant kyphosis, although my posture is good so with loose clothes it's not that noticeable). Is there anyone else who can help you? I would think that having a husband around who has one foot out the door couldn't feel too good. I would strongly recommend counseling and some anti-anxiety medication so you can see what it does for you. My thoughts are with you. Joy

              Comment


              • #8
                If that's the way he feels, perhaps it's best for you to encourage him to go now? Sounds like your kids are suffering from his presence and your friends would be more reliable in caring for you post-op anyway. You might feel a huge sense of relief if he went right away. I know I did...many years ago. My ex husband also had mental health issues, still has, to the extent he has been unable to work for 20 years. Even so, we've managed to remain friends, since the reasons for the terrible time we had, were out of his control.
                Last edited by JenniferG; 01-25-2010, 03:26 AM.
                Surgery March 3, 2009 at almost 58, now 63.
                Dr. Askin, Brisbane, Australia
                T4-Pelvis, Posterior only
                Osteotomies and Laminectomies
                Was 68 degrees, now 22 and pain free

                Comment


                • #9
                  melissa...i think you will need to be in rehab as long as possible, as they have the people to help you...it is important that you let your doctor know your situation....
                  i am so sorry for the stress that this puts you under...but there will be a way! when i first discussed the surgery, i was alone & on my own & we talked about putting me in rehab as long as possible...now i am married & discussing the surgery....but i know that when i was alone, the doctor was willing to work with my situation...also with a home health aide if needed to help me at home....

                  you will come out of this OK....i am sorry about the timing!

                  take care
                  jess

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Joy-I am going on Xanax both becasue of the surgery and because of this situation. I have been married 28 years this June . I have no relatives except for my 2 teenage children.My DD is 17 and my DS is 14. I have many good friends here even though I have only lived in NC since 2007 and I am from the North.I really do not think that many of those 28 years have been happy because of his mental illness that he has refused to go get help for. When he is not down , he is fun to be with but when he is down no one can do any thing right and there is nothing anyone can do that can change that.

                    Jennifer- He is afraid of what people will say if he leaves now. I said to him what they will not think badly if you if you leave me 2 weeks after surgery?
                    I really do think leaving now would be a good thing for all but if he thinks that I want him to leave now then he won't

                    Everyone Thanks for your good wishes

                    Melissa

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Melissa,
                      I am so sorry that you're having to go through this rough time right now, of all times. All I can do is send my support and ((Hugs))
                      __________________________________________
                      Debbe - 50 yrs old

                      Milwalkee Brace 1976 - 79
                      Told by Dr. my curve would never progress

                      Surgery 10/15/08 in NYC by Dr. Michael Neuwirth
                      Pre-Surgury Thorasic: 66 degrees
                      Pre-Surgery Lumbar: 66 degrees

                      Post-Surgery Thorasic: 34 degrees
                      Post-Surgery Lumbar: 22 degrees

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Melissa-- I was so sorry to read this when I got up this morning. That is rotten timing, to say the least. If it were out of the blue, this would be crushing. It sounds like you would probably do just as well without him there, it would remove all that negative tension, and so hopefully that will happen. There have been others who handled their surgeries on their own because they were single-- and they managed. It's a little difficult, but with planning ahead (stocking up on food, supplies, etc.) and having someone check on you and be able to run the occasional errand (like picking up meds at the drug store), it is do-able. There are older threads that can help you with that-- we can point you in the right direction to read those. As others have mentioned, it is also something your surgeon should be made aware of... and the hospital won't release you until they think you will be able to do enough to get by... There's also the option of going to a rehab center for a little bit, where you can recover just a tad more, with supervision and help. I am praying for you-- and I know you'll get through this-- it's just tough. Hugs, Susie
                        71 and plugging along... but having some problems
                        2007 52° w/ severe lumbar stenosis & L2L3 lateral listhesis (side shift)
                        5/4/07 posterior fusion T2-L4 w/ laminectomies and osteotomies @L2L3, L3L4
                        Dr. Kim Hammerberg, Rush Univ. Medical Center in Chicago

                        Corrected to 15°
                        CMT (type 2) DX in 2014, progressing
                        10/2018 x-rays - spondylolisthesis at L4/L5 - Dr. DeWald is monitoring

                        Click to view my pics: pics of scoli x-rays digital x-rays, and pics of me

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by debbei View Post
                          Melissa,
                          I am so sorry that you're having to go through this rough time right now, of all times. All I can do is send my support and ((Hugs))

                          Support and ((hugs)) are good

                          Thanks

                          Melissa

                          PS -where in central NJ are you from? I lived in Bordentown for almost 20 years

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            SusieB- I can going to tell my surgeon about my husband when I have my last pre-op appointment at the end of Feb. You are right about the tension. I so wish that he would leave.The three of us would feel so much better. I want to go to a rehab before I come home.My kids and I would manage just fine with out him .My dd is 17 and drives and is very helpful .

                            Thanks for the kind wishes and the ((hugs)).

                            Melissa

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Hi Melissa,

                              I'm so sorry about the timing of this. I hope that things will work out for the better for you. You really don't need to deal with a mentally ill husband right now, so I hope for your sake, that he will just leave so that you can move on. You are blessed to have two teen children who are willing to help you through this surgery. Councilling for you and the children is a good idea if you can manage it. More hugs and prayers coming your way.

                              Sally
                              Diagnosed with severe lumbar scoliosis at age 65.
                              Posterior Fusion L2-S1 on 12/4/2007. age 67
                              Anterior Fusion L3-L4,L4-L5,L5-S1 on 12/19/2007
                              Additional bone removed to decompress right side of L3-L4 & L4-L5 on 4/19/2010
                              New England Baptist Hospital, Boston, MA
                              Dr. Frank F. Rands735.photobucket.com/albums/ww360/butterflyfive/

                              "In God We Trust" Happy moments, praise God. Difficult moments, seek God. Quiet moments, worship God. Painful moments, trust God. Every moment, thank God.

                              Comment

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