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asccbodypro
09-29-2009, 03:57 PM
Haven't been here for a while now and I am just wondering for those of you who have passed or are nearing there 5 month mark how you are feeling. I have been blind sided by depression and anxiety. I'm not sure if it's the meds or if the surgery through my hormones out of wack but I am really struggling on some days. I thought I was stronger than this and to even admit that there is problem going on is very difficult. Any input would be greatly appreciated........

lapieper
09-29-2009, 04:43 PM
I still have good days and bad days. I hate gray overcast days, and prefer bright sunshine anyday. And when I'm sore, or just not feeling all that great, it's hard to be motivated. But, I take it one day at a time, honor the bad days by taking better care of myself. Walk, nap, exercise. Dont' let this get you down. We're not all alone in this! This, too, shall pass. You can always check with your doctor, you've had a massive chemical change in your body as a result of all the toxins.

JenniferG
09-29-2009, 05:28 PM
I'm so sorry to hear this Susan. I have a friend going through the same thing after major shoulder surgery. Her dr. said it's common after major surgery to suddenly find yourself depressed. She's on anti-depressants now and I saw her yesterday and she says she's at least sleeping better, after months of insomnia.

We tend to keep depression a secret, as though there is some shame attached. It's an illness, like any other. It happens to 1 in 4 people in their liftime, so is incredibly common. There is plenty of help available so there is no need to suffer alone. Please see your doctor and get the help you need so that you can get on with your healing and looking forward to an easier life than pre-op.

Thinking of you and sending gentle hugs.

Jen

Singer
09-29-2009, 05:34 PM
This is really common after major surgery. The painkillers -- which we certainly need post-op -- can really do a number on your psyche. I was knocked for a loop emotionally and while I'm not sure whether or not I had clinical depression, I know I cried a LOT for at least 7 months.

Talk to your doc; no need to suffer in silence.

debbei
09-29-2009, 06:02 PM
Would you happen to be cutting back on your pain meds now? The time when I was getting off the meds, my emotions were all over the map.

always smilin'
09-29-2009, 07:37 PM
I've never really experienced deep depression before...but I had horrible depression starting immediately after surgery. My primary was smart enough to recognize the symptoms and put me on an anti-depressant (the first I've ever been on). While I think that it helped immensely, it also made it difficult for me to focus. I cut the anti-depressant totally about 2 weeks ago and am back to being a total grouch...and sad...and every other emotion. My primary and I talked today and I went back on at a much lower dose to see if I can get over this hurdle. Honestly, I've never experienced anything like this before...it's awful and dibilitating.

Best of luck..take good care!

LynnMarie74
09-29-2009, 10:20 PM
.....awww....Im really sorry to hear about that. I think just about everyone goes thru depression of some sort post surgery. If you think about it, we endured a MAJOR, life changing experience. Our lives are on hold, we cant take care of ourselves the way we once did...and there are alot of things that we wont be able to do the way we once did. For me, I just accpected my new body and life that goes with it and decided that it is what it is. I dont regret my surgery at all, and I would do it again. I still get bummed out from time to time, but I always pull thru. Try to stay positive & maybe talking to a 3rd party could help u? Just someone who can listen who hasnt already heard it before could shed some help. Just an idea.....I hope everyone is doing well...I really dont get on here anymore. Trying to more often tho...I MISS EVERYONE!!!

Take care!!!

Lynn

asccbodypro
09-30-2009, 06:47 AM
Thank you everyone for your kind replies. I am glad to see that I am not the only one. I called my surgeons nurse yesterday (in tears) and she was very glad that I called and she told me they have a pain mangement specialist that specifically works right in their department that deals with this sort of thing.....depression and weaning off the meds.

Les, I feel the same about the weather. The sunny day certainly make me feel as better as well. The grey days are difficult for me to even get out of bed and get moving. I just want to hide under the covers most days.

Debbie, you asked If I have been cutting back on meds....I cut my oxycotin back by half about 3 weeks ago. I was told I would have no adverse affects. Guess what. I was in bed for almost 3 straight days crying and couldn't stop. I tried but I couldn't. At one point my husband said lets get you out of bed and come and be with the kids and I couldn't do, I couldn't even force myself to suck it up, so he brought up the baby and that cheared me up for a little bit. He's a funny little guy so it's hard not to be happy playing with him. It seemed to subside after those three days though. I am still on 2 20mg doses of oxy and 6 valium per day and I am working on droping one pill of the valium this week and maybe drop another next week. I am waiting for my doc to put in a new script for 10mg oxy pills so I can start cutting one of my doses in half. Perhaps this is the cause of the emotional drama going on.

Chris and Jen, your right when you say it isn't uncommon to feel like this. Evening kowing that it doesn't help at all. I also have my husbands mother here again. She spent the first three months with us and then left for 3 weeks and my oldest son and I took over. He did all the lifting of the baby and helped with cooking when my husband went back to work. He truly rose to the occassion. When the boys went back to school my mother in law came back to help with the baby, who I am just now starting to be able to pick up periodically. appreciate all the help I really do. I just feel so out of control. I feel that it's been taken from me and it's time for me to take it back. Realistically, I would just like to be alone with the kids when my husband leaves but I know that for this first patrol I still need help. I need the help more due to the depression at this point than the physical limitations. The only physical limitation is the baby at this point in time.

Colleen and Chris, I feel bad that you both have experienced this. I have cried more in the past month or so than I have probably cried in my entire life. I often have to go to my bedroom or the bathroom so no one see me. It comes and goes with no warning. I'm mentally exhausted. Maybe going on an anti depressant would be the way to go. Although I really don't want to add another medication. I just want to work on getting off the ones that I am on but maybe that would facilitate the process of feeling better.

Lynn and Les, I admire your positive attitudes more than you can know. It's how I thought I would be throughout this process. Physically I feel that I am doing pretty good at this point. Pain wise I am ok, mostly just muscles spasms from picking up the baby and doing house work. Nothing that laying down for 20 minnutes doesn't fix. Walking outside for exercise is more difficult for vs. the elliptical. I could do the elliptical for 40 minutes vs. a 1 mile walk. The muscles in my back all spasm up when I walk but I have just started my walking program now that the weather here is cooling off. The fresh air is good I must say :O)

I am certain that the main problem is the meds and I am going to try and put on a better smile and improve my out look. Reading everyones messages and knowing it isn't just my crazy self made me feel a little better. Maybe I need to stay in better touch with everyone though these next few weeks while I am trying to get through this. Thank you all so much again for your kind words and support.

lapieper
09-30-2009, 11:15 AM
My doctor is addressing my back spasms now, since I have one spot where the rod ends in between my shoulder blades, and that muscle is really inflamed. Since putting me on 0.5 mg of Ativan, the muscle spasms have subsided, and are now at least tolerable. I am doing PT twice weekly, for a couple of weeks, to help me stretch out my hip adductors. I was on an anti-depressant for about a year, I guess after my first surgery, but it was to help relieve hot flashes, which it didn't relieve. And the doctor didn't want to take me off them in the winter. Once I was off them, I cried for days. I knew I was "back," then because I hadn't cried since I was told I needed to have the first back surgery in Apr 08! Ya just never can tell hormone, depression, life? Just take it one day at a time, be as kind to yourself as you would be to one of us who have been where you are. HUGS!
Les

asccbodypro
09-30-2009, 01:17 PM
Les,

Interesting that they would put you on an anit depressant for hot flashes. I have to tell you though, I constantly go from hot to cold and sweating in between. I'm not sure if it's the meds or just my body trying to adjust to what it's gone through.

As far as the muscles spasms at the top of the rods, I have that problem as well. I woke up this morning and did my elliptical and it stung the entire time. I laid down on the bed for 5 minutes and it subsided but that is definitely a problem area for me.

I am trying to take one day at a time. I woke feeling pretty good today and just got back from lunch with a friend and the cloud just came over me. It's strange because some days it's there all day long and other days it comes and goes. Very frustrating. I am trying to keep things in perspective until the Dr. can get me going in the right direction. We shall see!

Singer
09-30-2009, 02:27 PM
Susan, I didn't realize you were taking 6 Valiums a day. This is my completely unscientific opinion but from my experience, Valium can really bring you down. I found it to be a far scarier drug than Oxycontin and when I weaned off the Valium my mood brightened considerably.

Someone on this forum (I think it was Karen Ocker) said she took antidepressants for a few months, just to get her through withdrawal from the narcotics.

asccbodypro
09-30-2009, 03:48 PM
Chris,

Yes, I really think the Valium is the major culprit at this point as well. I have been doing a little research and I would like to say hind sight is 20/20 and if I had to do it again I would go for less meds but the reality of it was that I needed that much and it has taken me 5 months to start to feel like it was time to start weaning off. I cut out 1 pill in my afternoon dose for 3 days and today cut out the other pill in the afternoon. I am having lots of hot flashes and sweating on and off and I can only assume this is why. I am also feeling very tired on and off which I know is still normal at this point but I'm trying not to climb in to bed when ever I feel like it.

I can't remember if I mentioned this in my other post but my nurse has recommended a pain management specialist for me who works directly with my surgeon. This dr. will help will all the pain med issues and the depression that is going along with it. I have that apt. next week so I am hoping that she can walk me through this mess that I feel that I am in at the moment.

It will interesting to see what her approach will be and if I can benefit from her help.

debbei
09-30-2009, 04:05 PM
Chris,

I cut out 1 pill in my afternoon dose for 3 days and today cut out the other pill in the afternoon. I am having lots of hot flashes and sweating on and off and I can only assume this is why. I am also feeling very tired on and off which I know is still normal at this point but I'm trying not to climb in to bed when ever I feel like it.



Susan,

the hot flashes/seeating on and off is DEFINITELY withdrawls. They are no fun, I can vouch for that. I agree that the pain management specialist should be able to help you, and to supervise your cutting back in a way that will be easier on you physically and emotionally.

JenniferG
09-30-2009, 04:45 PM
I agree with Debbe. When I was going through the withdrawals, I had severe hot flushes. But worse, was the depression. I'd forgotten that. It only lasted for the duration of the withdrawals and disappeared and I completely forgot I even had it. But for those few weeks, I was in the pits and did my fair share of crying. I had dizziness too through that time and I seriously questioned whether the surgery had done more harm than good. I didn't know whether I'd ever feel normal again. How things change, with time!

You seem to have a handle on this, so hopefully your appt. next week will set you on the right track to feeling better. Good luck Susan!

LynnMarie74
10-01-2009, 06:55 AM
After reading everyone's posts on this subject, I guess I am thankful my surgeon and his "worker bee's" were absolute freaks about not giving me medication apon my request. It was like pulling teeth after week 3!!! At the time, it seemed like cruel and unusual punishment, but all in all, I do understand why. I hope everything goes well for you Susan. Stay strong...hopefully when you are off everything, or lowered significantly, you will start feeling better! Fingers crossed!!


Hugs!

Lynn

CHRIS WBS
10-01-2009, 09:03 AM
After reading everyone's posts on this subject, I guess I am thankful my surgeon and his "worker bee's" were absolute freaks about not giving me medication apon my request. It was like pulling teeth after week 3!!! At the time, it seemed like cruel and unusual punishment, but all in all, I do understand why.

Ditto. I cannot believe the amount of drugs some are being prescribed for prolonged periods. Thankfully my surgeon was very unyielding to over-prescribing. Consequently, I never experienced any of the drug-related symptoms I have read so much about in this forum.

titaniumed
10-01-2009, 02:52 PM
Susan,

The meds are a double edged sword. You need them for surgery but there comes a time that they do more harm than good. They can be very destructive.

The depression will subside after you get off. Its not easy, the pain will increase, (I posted data on this last year) then will lower after withdrawal. It took me a few days of freezing,sweating, and dizzies. I then jammed all the nutrients and good stuff, and started my med free healing process. I adopted a "damn the torpedoes" attitude, like Admiral Farragut in Mobile bay. I basically picked myself up, and brushed myself off and adopted a mindset that had sunshine in the forecast.

I've used the analogy of mountain climbing in the past, and after all that we have been through, and scaling that peak with the top being surgery, we all have to come down off the mountain. Your coming down that mountain now, off the peak 5 months ago, but not done with the climb. You can handle this, its the will and determination, all on your own, that will see you through.

You have done the hard part, and I know you can get through this part.

Be strong, and finish your climb. There will be many sunny days ahead,
Ed

debbei
10-01-2009, 07:07 PM
Susan,

The meds are a double edged sword. You need them for surgery but there comes a time that they do more harm than good. They can be very destructive.

The depression will subside after you get off. Its not easy, the pain will increase, (I posted data on this last year) then will lower after withdrawal. It took me a few days of freezing,sweating, and dizzies. I then jammed all the nutrients and good stuff, and started my med free healing process. I adopted a "damn the torpedoes" attitude, like Admiral Farragut in Mobile bay. I basically picked myself up, and brushed myself off and adopted a mindset that had sunshine in the forecast.

I've used the analogy of mountain climbing in the past, and after all that we have been through, and scaling that peak with the top being surgery, we all have to come down off the mountain. Your coming down that mountain now, off the peak 5 months ago, but not done with the climb. You can handle this, its the will and determination, all on your own, that will see you through.

You have done the hard part, and I know you can get through this part.

Be strong, and finish your climb. There will be many sunny days ahead,
Ed

Ed,

you are strong, tough and stubborn. You went cold turkey and beat it with flying colors. What a man. :) However, not all of us are that tough. I know I'm not--I had to wean myself very very gradually, and even then I wanted to take everyone's head off who even looked at me funny.

Susan,
the important thing is that you eventually get off. Like I said above, the pain management doc. might be able to guide you through the cutback in a smarter way than I did. I concocted my own cutback plan, and it did work, but I'm sure professionals have better ways of achieving the same goal.

always smilin'
10-01-2009, 08:07 PM
I tried the cold turkey approach and it definitely did not work for me...I ended up in such awful awful pain ...fast heartbeats (to the point I thought I may have a heart attack...crazy)...sweats/shivers...uncontrollable crying...all the symptoms of an addict withdrawal so I had to slow my withdrawal. I talked to a number of people to figure out how best to do this...2 different pharmacists, my primary, this forum:) and my surgeon's nurse. I figured the more info I got, the better off my situation would end up. I'm still not totally "clean" but am doing much better/safer than cold turkey.

Singer
10-02-2009, 06:49 AM
It's actually dangerous to quit these drugs too quickly, especially Valium.

Yes, these drugs are a double-edged sword, but I know that without them I wouldn't have been able to walk, which I desperately needed to do in order to heal. I hope I never have to take narcotics again, but thank goodness they work as well as they do.

The smartest thing I ever did did post-op was to enlist the help of a pain management specialist, who assured me that I was not going to end up a drug addict because I was on Oxycontin for several months. Yes, I became physically dependent on them, but most people become dependent after just a few weeks on these drugs. The trick is to wean off of them slowly and with supervision. After I took my last dose, I had a few days of feeling weird and uncomfortable, but I was ready physically and mentally, and got through it without too much trouble.

It takes some of us longer than others to get over this huge surgery.

emwonderfull
10-03-2009, 03:17 PM
Susan I'm so sorry you are having to go through all this. I'm with Lynn and glad my dr wouldnt give me additional pain meds. I haven't had anything over a lortab 2-3 times a week for months....but there have been days where I feel horrible. I mean really, really bad. I'm not in pain, but "really uncomfortable" I know a pain pill would make me physically feel better, but then I also don't like the psychological part of it. Iam having insomnia, I've always had insomnia, but not like this. I toss and turn and lay wide awake every night not just some. I remember reading about others having this trouble and thought they should take ambien it will help...it doesn't. I've even taken two and slept maybe 4 hrs. Its unbelievable.

Yesterday was a real bad day, I felt achey and so sad. There are many days like today where I just sit and cry. I miss being able to move and do, but then know my spine was collapsing on itself then and now it is straighter and I am happy about that. There is so much I just don't feel like doing, everyone thinks because it has been 6 mths I should be back to normal and doing everthing, but I can't. I do try, but I can't. I feel guilty because my four yr old wants to do stuff and I am so tired on the weekend after working all wk I just want to do nothing, but the house needs mopped and dusted and my carpets! The teenagers are used to me cleaning everything, it is such a fight with them to get them to help now.

I'm sorry I'm complaining so much, I don't let anyone know how rough it is. Then I explode!

I know we will all get through this! :(:p

JenniferG
10-03-2009, 04:20 PM
Insomnia is the pits. Without sleep, nothing is right. If you could sleep, I'm sure everything would be much more manageable.

Have you spoken to your dr. about your insomina, Em? I know you won't want more drugs, but maybe there is something else he can suggest. Or maybe it's worth taking another pill to try to get some sleep. There are a range of different medications that may help. I think sometimes not sleeping sets up a pattern and it needs to be broken and a new pattern made. I'm saying this from 8 years of insomnia, which has been cured, I believe, from all the drugs I was taking after surgery, that made me sleep. Now I sleep a minimum of 7 hours and often as much as 9 hours per night. Now when I have a bad night (less than 7 hours!) it scares hell out of me because I think it's all going pear shaped again.

I used to be one who wouldn't take a pill for anything but I now believe there is a time and place for medication and it really can make the difference.

I hope things improve for you very soon.

jrnyc
10-03-2009, 05:07 PM
Hi Susan

i sent you a P.M.

just for information, hot flashes can be hormonal imbalance...& that can cause depression...big time!

best of luck, hope you feel better soon
jess

Doodles
10-03-2009, 08:06 PM
Susan--
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this and do hope an adjustment of meds may help you. I really have no answers. With a little one it has to be doubly difficult. I truly hope things will improve.
Em--
I'm just 6 months too and I can relate to your post. I have to say I'm doing very well and most say wonderfully. I look straighter, slimmer, and can walk so people assume you are cured. My whole family was here this last week and my girls were all very helpful. However, that didn't come without a giant blow-up about a month ago where it seemed Mom was back to normal and she will do it all again. The come-to-Jesus moment was long overdue and thankfully they have stepped up to the plate.
I sometimes get discouraged since it seems most on here have bipassed me and I must be a sluggard or something. My main problem is just being so tired by afternoon and now I'm not even working. My working is exercises! Still on quite a few meds too. Plus I hear what everyone else can do so early and I'm being told at my 6 month check with a local surgeon that you can forget about ever doing yoga, pilates, etc. etc. (I've always done those kind of classes.) After what I had done he said that's going to be impossible. He saw the before and after and went Wow! He was a super guy and I think it's realistic. I guess sometimes I read others and think why can't I?? I know we all heal and have had different things done. I am really very pleased. But, Em, your post just struck a chord. You may have to have a come to Jesus meeting too. I think we may have to carry our x-rays around with us so folks don't think we're just sandbagging! Janet.

JenniferG
10-03-2009, 09:16 PM
"I think we may have to carry our x-rays around with us so folks don't think we're just sandbagging! Janet."

That's not such a silly idea. Most people are stunned when they see our x-rays, so it really hits home at what a huge surgery this is. Yours in particular Janet. Hell, if my family hadn't been pulling their weight when I needed them (when let's face it, we do a lifetime of work for them), I'd have had my pics enlarged, framed and hung on the wall at the front door!;)

debbei
10-04-2009, 06:25 AM
Susan I'm so sorry you are having to go through all this. I'm with Lynn and glad my dr wouldnt give me additional pain meds. I haven't had anything over a lortab 2-3 times a week for months....but there have been days where I feel horrible. I mean really, really bad. I'm not in pain, but "really uncomfortable" I know a pain pill would make me physically feel better, but then I also don't like the psychological part of it. Iam having insomnia, I've always had insomnia, but not like this. I toss and turn and lay wide awake every night not just some. I remember reading about others having this trouble and thought they should take ambien it will help...it doesn't. I've even taken two and slept maybe 4 hrs. Its unbelievable.

Yesterday was a real bad day, I felt achey and so sad. There are many days like today where I just sit and cry. I miss being able to move and do, but then know my spine was collapsing on itself then and now it is straighter and I am happy about that. There is so much I just don't feel like doing, everyone thinks because it has been 6 mths I should be back to normal and doing everthing, but I can't. I do try, but I can't. I feel guilty because my four yr old wants to do stuff and I am so tired on the weekend after working all wk I just want to do nothing, but the house needs mopped and dusted and my carpets! The teenagers are used to me cleaning everything, it is such a fight with them to get them to help now.

I'm sorry I'm complaining so much, I don't let anyone know how rough it is. Then I explode!

I know we will all get through this! :(:p

Em,

I'm sorry you're having it so rough. You have to let your family know how rough it is so they CAN help. Weather they want to or not. You're only 4 months post op--maybe you're over-doing it physically, around the house. I know when I did at that stage, I paid for it dearly for WEEKS.

When do you go for your next checkup with the surgeon? Maybe they could give you something other than painpills--muscle relaxants maybe? To take only when you're having a rough time?

Take care of yourself,

LynnMarie74
10-04-2009, 10:48 PM
Hey Debbe! It's been awhile since we chatted. Hope all is well....I was thinking....your one my anniversary must be coming up soon! I supposed I could have looked at your signature before I hit reply! DOH! Anyway......I hope your back and shoulder are behaving!! Are you still working? Just wanted to see how you were....take care!!


Lynn :D

Bionic Woman
10-05-2009, 04:10 PM
I think some of the depression I'm dealing with, which really isn't too bad, is from thinking I should be progressing more quickly than what I am. My surgeon keeps telling me that "I've been through a very intense and serious surgery and it takes time to heal". I know this, but still feel like I should be able to do more than what I'm doing. I'm not pushing too much, so no worries. I'm only taking Vicodin's 2-3 times a day, so I think I'm doing really well with that part.

Debbie

debbei
10-05-2009, 07:18 PM
I think some of the depression I'm dealing with, which really isn't too bad, is from thinking I should be progressing more quickly than what I am. My surgeon keeps telling me that "I've been through a very intense and serious surgery and it takes time to heal". I know this, but still feel like I should be able to do more than what I'm doing. I'm not pushing too much, so no worries. I'm only taking Vicodin's 2-3 times a day, so I think I'm doing really well with that part.

Debbie

Debbie,

I can't recall exactly when your surgery was, but I'm thinking it was relatively recent. Please don't be impatient with yourself, your surgeon is right! Before you know it, this time when you are bieng pampered will be over :) and you'll be back to doing more than you want to! I say...enjoy the pampering, but at the same time push yourself with common sense and a little bit of caution. We have to be careful not to overdo or then we pay big time. At least that how it was, as still is, for me.

asccbodypro
10-06-2009, 06:33 AM
Hey Debbie,

Haven't touched base with you in a while. Hang in there. It's a hard road we travel to return back to "normal". If there even is a normal after this surgery. I guess we all have our own idea of normal at this point. I am feeling a little better this week. After speaking with the pharmasist about weaning off the valium she let me know I was doing it way to fast and that's where most of my depression was coming from. I hope you can start to feel better soon. I too am still expecting so much of myself and really pushing to get better and take care of the baby. I am starting to make some strides there but it isn't always easy....some day things will be better. I keep TRYING to tell myself that!

asccbodypro
10-06-2009, 10:08 AM
I'm sorry I'm complaining so much, I don't let anyone know how rough it is. Then I explode!

Em,

Don't feel like you are complaining. We are all in the same boat. You definitely need to let your doc know how badly you really are feeling and don't let them brush you off. My surgeons nurse was very helpful last week. I could barely speak over the phone because I was having such a bad reaction to dropping a dose of valium. I didn't realize the valium was the culprit until I spoke with the pharmasist. She clued me in how difficult it is to get off of. I see the pain maganement specialist today and it will be interesting to see how that goes. I have no disillusions about coming off all my meds. Having a 19 month old that soon will soon be completely in my care will not be easy and my back will need something. However, I just don't want to be on so much. I also realized that although some are able to cut back rather quickly others are not. My body clearly is very sensitive and has togo slow. Some people talk about weaning off their meds at 6 weeks. Man, at six weeks I was so sick I couldn't even see straight. From week 2 to week 6 I was soooo sick. I just now at 5 months am feeling the way some people claim to feel at 3. I am still loosing weight. Slowly, but still loosing. Everyone is sooo different. You have to take what you read with a grain of salt and listen to your own body that's for sure. I often have to remind myself of that...usually it's my husband reminding me of that! As far as your yoga and pilates classes, I think you will get there in time. You will definitely have to change some of those exercises but that's to be expected. I have people hounding me if I am going to compete in body building again. Please! I can hardly handle the baby let alone weight train for a competition. People do not understand the severity of this surgery. Go easy on yourself and give yourself time. Isn't to bad we all can't take the advise we give :O) It's easier to give it than take it I suppose. Hang in there and speak with your doc about your depression issues. Just speaking with my nurse and her telling me I wasn't the only one made me feel better. Try to smiile a little today and go easy on yourself. Your body will let you know when it is ready for more.

asccbodypro
10-06-2009, 10:19 AM
I just wanted to say thank you to each and everyone of you who gave very valuable and insightful input regarding the depression issue. As I said, it was certainly not an aspect of this surgery I ever gave any thought to. My body has calmed a little since dropping the one pill of valium. I added the second one back in with the advise of the pharmasist. I will see what the pain management specialist has to say today.

Even though I will have help through my husbands first patrol I am overwhelmed with him leaving. Not as much this week as last week now that the meds have settled down a little. Things are definitely in perspective. I think I will give myself some more time before trying to drop another dose. I need to be able to set an example when my husband leaves. If my children see me fall apart, they will be right behind me. That is unfair to them. Trying to wean off now is good for me bad for them. Knowing that I'm not the only one who has and is experiencing this certainly makes me feel better. I wouldn't wish this part of recovery on anyone. Time to be strong and force myself to stay focussed. Please remind me I said that the next time I fall apart. I will post later as to how the apt. went.

kt2009
10-06-2009, 11:38 AM
Susan,

I know it must be difficult, but it sounds like you are really on top of things...despite how you feel. You're communicating with specialists and being true to how you feel.
Though I'm not experiencing depression, I had no idea emotionally what a toll this surgery would take. Every year I usually go to a big gorgeous house in Cape May NJ with about twenty moms over Columbus Day weekend. I planned to go this weekend...it's only a 3 hour trip and all the moms promised to baby me and take care of me. I probably could go, but last night I cried so hard because the thought of waking up three times a night and not having my husband beside me was too much. So I am not going to go...I'm just not ready. I was even afraid I'd miss my kids:confused:
Take each day as it comes...hug your kids and I'll be thinking of you.

asccbodypro
10-06-2009, 03:40 PM
Kathy,

You are the first one who hit the nail on the head for me when you said you couldn't take your trip due to being afraid of not having your husband with you. THAT IS MY PROBLEM. My husband leaves on the 15 and I am having so much anxiety that I don't even feel like me anymore. There are times that thoughout my recovery that I couldn't even breath if he wasn't with me. That sounds so pathetic even to my own ears but that's the truth. This surgery made me so dependant on him in more ways than just the actual physical recovery side of things. I feel like he is the air that I breath. How do you tell someone that? No one else understands this. I am always the one who people look to and say "your so strong". I feel so weak right now.

In the long run I know that the best thing is for him to get underway again and let me learn to get myself back to my old independent self. I once thought that I would never have any issues with him leaving again. I have delt with years of underway time. I am older, more settled but I never thought I would be physically unable for any amount of time while he's gone. There are some things that my body just will not do right now and even though I have a 15 year old to help out I don't want him to feel like a mini daddy when his dad his gone. I feel guilty for having to rely on my son that much. Not that he isn't learning a valuable life lesson but still I feel bad. I guess in time these things will pass but I hear and understand your fear. Guess we both need to hang in there.

Doodles
10-06-2009, 06:46 PM
Susan--
Your advice to Em on the top of page 3 was so perfect. Amen! I can certainly relate. Your last post about needing your husband is very accurate too. Those first few weeks I was so unbelievably needy--I couldn't do anything and he rose to the occasion. Once in the hospital or rehab, I can't remember, he had actually gone back to the motel for the night for once and left his number. A change of nurses and I was having a terrible night and insisted they call him. I gave the nurse his number, she dialed, and I left this sad, pathetic message. Unfortunately, I had given him our home phone number and of course he didn't get it & didn't come until morning. I was so upset. Later I listened to the message; it sounded like someone I didn't know at all. It is tough no doubt about it. Good luck to you both. Janet

asccbodypro
10-07-2009, 01:05 PM
Janet,

I must say to some degree I think our husbands have been put through hell right along with us. For me I learned not until 4 months post op how long I had been in the icu and how bad it was and how that affected my husband. He never spoke about it in the beginning. I never thought to ask and he never brought it up. I hate being so needy but I am refocussing my energies on getting strong mentally. I had my appointment with my pain management specialist who actually turned out to be a physchologist who specialized in dealing with chronic pain and surgical pain. I was a little surprised at first but firgured it couldn't hurt to work with her a bit to see where it got me. She really dug into the past 5 years leading up to my surgery and how all the pain has brought me to this point. She made me realize that this is certainly a situational depression and will pass in time. Working with her may facilitate the process by making it easier along the way. I can't turn that down because I want to be strong for the kids and my husband is very nervous that I am not up to the task of being alone. We all rise to the occasion when we have to don't we. My mother in law in flying home tomorrow to take care of some business and will be back on Sunday. This will give me two days where I have to take care of the baby all alone. I think I may surprise myself. I won't have anyone telling me no. When people are constantly telling you that you can't doing something you start to believe them. Of course I know that everyone has had good intentions and wants me to heal correctly but in some ways they have hindered the process and caused this anxiety that I am now experiencing. This short break in her absense will let me know where I stand physically. So it's a good thing. She is very nervous but I am ready to attempt it on my own. If I have trouble I will call my husband and he'll come home from work. Not the end of the world. Last week in the haze of valium withdrawal it would have been. I think I might be making progress :O) I am hoping I can keep a good and clear attitude when he is gone. Time will tell....

JenniferG
10-07-2009, 04:40 PM
This 2 day test will give you more confidence and lift your spirits, even if it's hard work. You sound a lot more positive already!

Doodles
10-07-2009, 11:15 PM
I agree with Jennifer. You sound so much more positive and confident already. And we do tend to rise to the occasion, don't we. Just like our husbands did. I had the same experience. Even up to 5 months I was learning things I had no idea about or remembered at all. Quite interesting. Good luck, Susan. Janet

Vali
10-08-2009, 07:28 AM
Susan, so sorry to read about your anxiety, but so happy tht you are now on the mend.
I put silly rhyme poem together in two minutes, dedicated to all the recoveries. Just pretend we are at Scoliosis Recovery camp, all lined up to do our walk, with our head leader yelling this out:-

One, two,
feeling new

Three, four,
push that pain - out the door

Five, six
give meds the flick

Seven, eight
nice and straight

Nine, ten
feeling 10 out of 10

Sorry its corny - was mean't to be cheery!:):D

JenniferG
10-08-2009, 03:29 PM
Vali, it worked cos it put a smile on my face! :)

Vali
10-09-2009, 06:59 AM
Thanks Jen.

wendyh
10-09-2009, 10:51 AM
Hi, this is a really good thread for me!!!!! I just had my 12 month check up. I was corrected to almost a zero from 50 degrees but had a very tough time with sacroilliac pain. My recovery has been as slow as slow can be and depression has been a problem. I already had one major clinical depression several years ago so I have been on meds and have a good Dr. This time around with my recovery from surgery I have been up and down, off and on pain meds....cried many, many tears of frustration....and bounced back again and again. I now have an excellent physical therapist and am going to begin swimming today. I recently took a trip too soon to Italy with my husband and walked too much up too many hills and was in agony with back spasms. Back to square one. So....this year has been one of challenges without a doubt. I also had to have cataract surgery????? craziness. anyway, I keep telling myself this too shall pass and try and focus on my beautiful adopted 6 year old daughter from China, try and get back into my jewelry making....try and tell myself that this will all be behind me at some point and maybe I will be helping someone else through this tunnel someday. Depression.....YES.....chronic pain and depression are partners in my battle I'm afraid...but we will get through it.

asccbodypro
10-10-2009, 06:17 PM
One, two,
feeling new

Three, four,
push that pain - out the door

Five, six
give meds the flick

Seven, eight
nice and straight

Nine, ten
feeling 10 out oof 10

OK, Vali, so cute and a got a little giggle out of it as well! Thanks!

I have to report to all that I made it through my 2 day test with flying colors. I'm not even as sore as I thought I would be. The first morning after I was pretty sore but once I was up and moving I was ok. I am also lucky that my son is a verryy good little guy. I think I may have said in an earlier post that I wouldn't make any more med changes with the valium until my husband returns in a month. I feel that although I am ready I don't want the kids to see mom go through the emotional turmoil that I seem to have from withdrawals. I will wait until he is back. I am thinking of cutting back just by 10mgs on one dose of the oxycotin and see how that makes me feel. If I get weepy I will add it back in and wait until my husband is home. I find that the Tramadol works so much better for pain than the oxy anyways. Hopefully things will continue to go more smoothly from here on out! Take care to all and to all a good night!

asccbodypro
10-10-2009, 06:22 PM
. Depression.....YES.....chronic pain and depression are partners in my battle I'm afraid...but we will get through it.[/QUOTE]

I am so sorry that you have depression and chronic pain to deal with all the time. It certainly does take it's toll and clouds the mind that's for sure. I have never experienced depression and anxiety to this degree and I hope that I never do again. I couldn't even pull myself out of bed one day and spent that entire day crying. We do get through it but it's a tough task that is for certain. Congrats on your adaption with your little girl. That right there is something to celebrate every day and hopefully puts a smile on your face!

JenniferG
10-10-2009, 08:41 PM
Susan, that's good news about your two days coping alone! I hope this has given you more confidence than you had, that you will cope again in the future. You are sounding better, I hope you are feeling better too.

Wendy, I'm so sorry that you've had such a difficult recovery. I hope you'll come to this forum more often and see that everyone's recovery is different. We can't measure our recovery against someone else's. Having said that, I can't imagine how you Mums of young children cope, it must be so much harder than those of us who are into the grandchildren stage - those we can hand back!

kt2009
10-11-2009, 11:12 AM
You all are an inspiration to me! Can you beleive I tried to make it 24 hours without narcotics the other day??? I was feeling good throughout the day...the doctor said I could take some Advil...so i didn't take my nighttime dose and I didn't sleep and finally was crying by 5 am...how stupid was that???!! So I'm learning that there is no failiure in doing what makes me feel comfortable and that I have to be careful not to overdo it. I'm learning that small accomplishments are BIG, like riding with my husband to take my daughter to her first Homecoming dance! I actually made it long to enough to have dinner out with my husband afterwards.

Susan, I'm not surprised that you made it through your two day test...I knew you could do it!

debbei
10-11-2009, 01:02 PM
You all are an inspiration to me! Can you beleive I tried to make it 24 hours without narcotics the other day??? I was feeling good throughout the day...the doctor said I could take some Advil...so i didn't take my nighttime dose and I didn't sleep and finally was crying by 5 am...how stupid was that???!! So I'm learning that there is no failiure in doing what makes me feel comfortable and that I have to be careful not to overdo it. I'm learning that small accomplishments are BIG, like riding with my husband to take my daughter to her first Homecoming dance! I actually made it long to enough to have dinner out with my husband afterwards.

Susan, I'm not surprised that you made it through your two day test...I knew you could do it!

Kathy,

the week that I stopped the narcotics was pure hell. I thought I was going insane, but I made it through. I'm not sure about Advil because I was told not to take it until 9 months post op, but Tylenol seemed to help take the edge off for me. Maybe it was all in my head, but it lessened the hot/cold chills of withdrawls.

Good luck, you'll make it too.