View Full Version : Complaining too much?

08-24-2008, 06:01 PM
What I would give for people to get to walk a day in my shoes as to let them know that I am not merely "playing the sympathy card" or complaining unreasonably. OMG!

My husband is one. He isn't the most supportive man in the world, and once or twice after saying "My back hurts", he replies with, "Well, my back hurts too".


I have had this for 15 years, and I know that I was always having some sort of dealings with pain. But it used to be just a minor discomfort. Then became a major discomfort. Then after having my first daughter [2002], it got pretty bad. The demands of motherhood, sleep deprivation, the whole nine, played a part in the increasing pain.

In July 2005, I went on pain pills. But to avoid getting hooked on them, I only took one. A Lortab 10, once a day, no matter how bad I got.

My second pregnancy was HORRID. Towards the end, there were so many days that I just couldn't breathe and just cried from the pain. And I have a high pain tolerance, due to having to deal with this, and it takes a lot for me to cry. I started taking 2 pain pills a day.

Then I was transferred to a pain management doctor to oversee my pain meds. He prescribed me Lortab 10 4x a day and Zanaflex 2x a day. Well, still I only took 2, maybe 3 on a bad day.

Well, then I decided that wasn't cutting it at all! And I went to him and told him I was going to have surgery in 2009. Could we please up my meds to make me comfortable until then. I now take Norco 10/325 (same as Lortab but with less Tylenol), prescribed 6x a day as needed for pain. And then Zanaflex 3x a day.

Most days, I only need 4 Norco to get me through, and I take 2 of the Zanaflex at bedtime (Thats what knocks me out!) On a REALLY bad day [which is getting more and more] I will take all 6 during the day that I am prescribed.

And for so long, I thought I was just complaining too much, because I had a doctor tell me once that scoliosis didn't cause pain! Uhhh, yeah it does buddy. Let me twist your spine and insides and all that and see how peachy you feel. And I never knew anyone else that had what I had. Until now, I see that I am not the only one who deals with pain! That is such a comfort. I've been on my own with this for 15 years now and am so grateful that I found this site!

Motherhood wasn't the only thing that caused an increase, obviously it was caused by a few factors...me getting older, pregnancy that probably helped cause the curves to progress (since they doubled in 15 years time), plus normal curvature progression, and the physical demands of being a stay at home mom/wife....chasing after a 20 month old and a 6 year old and a husband who is like a child himself! Its soooo not easy!

loves to skate
08-24-2008, 06:25 PM
Hi Stacy,
Welcome to the forum. Complain away. All of us here understand what you are going through. Until I started having back pain and sciatica, I never really understood what my poor mother was going through. All I can say is that we are very fortunate to be suffering in this day and age when something can be done to help us. My Mom never had that benefit.

I'm so sorry you have so much pain and still have to function as a wife and mother. Some men can be slow learners when it come to sympathy unless they are on the recieving end. My thoughts are with you as you have a lot to deal with. I'm glad you are already scheduled for your surgery because that is a major step forward. Just remember that we are here for you if you need to vent, complain or just to talk. Sally

08-24-2008, 06:35 PM
Thanks....I think that is the HARDEST thing sometimes to deal with is the EMOTIONAL turmoil this plays.

I can't just go to anyone and complain because they won't understand. And then the ONE person I should be able to go to acts as if I just told him I grew a second head when I talk about pain or my fears.

Is scheduling the surgery a big step forward? I didn't look at it that way...I just thought that is what I needed to do. I hope they give me large quantities of anxiety meds in the weeks right before my surgery, because I am downright scared to death...I have already started having nightmares, although I am trying to stay strong for everyone around me...it gets hard and overwhelming at times.

You'd think my husband would take some of my workload off of me...it isn't as if I am just crying for attention...he has seen the x-rays! But I am lucky and count my blessings if he will just take out the trash every now and then. I have had to remind him that if HE was the one in this spot, I would support him 100% and make things as easy on him as I could. But hey, thats what women are, right? Nurturers.

I am just so grateful that I have the family that I have, because if not for them, I would have to put this surgery off until my kids were older and could help take care of me, and thats the last thing I want. I hope and pray that my husband comes around....because sometimes his emotional absence hurts more than the physical pain that I carry with me everyday.

08-24-2008, 08:20 PM
Thanks....I think that is the HARDEST thing sometimes to deal with is the EMOTIONAL turmoil this plays.

I can't just go to anyone and complain because they won't understand. And then the ONE person I should be able to go to acts as if I just told him I grew a second head when I talk about pain or my fears.

Well I was too young to have a wife turn me away like that, but my father sure did. My father never came to the doctors with me growing up, it was always my mother. The only time he actually came to the hospital was when I had my surgery. Any time I said I was in pain, he ignored it. After my surgery, (when I was 12) he really wasn't there either. As I grew older and started working and doing things on my own I had a lot of sick days, where my back just would not let me do much at all. My father just thought I was lazy. That was his opinion for 35 years of my life. Only since his hip started to go did he realise you can have pain, but not have any phsyical signs of it. Only when it hit him did he realise what I have gone through. The nights you can't get compfortable, the pain, all of it, he finally gets it. He's never said sorry though, not once, for 35 years of thinking I was lazy. (yeah, I'm a little bitter about that. :) )

I don't know what you can do to turn your husbands head around on this, I hope that you can, because it is hard to deal with without that support. But I do have some good news for you. You have us! :D Complain, whine, complain some more, we are all here for each other. So relax, kick up your feet, let loose and we'll be here for ya. :)


08-24-2008, 08:48 PM
Awww it's totally ok to complain! We alllll know how fustrating/bad/painful scoliosis can get!

I had back pain ALL school year...I'm sure that figure skating and working didn't exactly help with the pain. I planned to have my surgery this summer so I didn't think too much about the pain and just got massages to help.
Anyways, it drove me NUUUUUTTTS when my best friend would mention that their back hurts. I just felt like saying "Ummm EXCUSE ME? Do you know who you're complaining to? I'm sorry, but does your spine severly curve? Yeah, I didn't think so". I just think she was really inconsiderate. Aaaand she even said the same thing only a few weeks after my surgery this summer. Like whoa, you HAVE to be kidding me!

Haha ok, there's my complaining for the day :p

08-25-2008, 08:40 AM
I hope and pray that my husband comes around....because sometimes his emotional absence hurts more than the physical pain that I carry with me everyday.

Oh you poor love, I know exactly what you mean :( Its at times like this when you are in pain and feeling down that you need some emotional support. I bet you would give anything for your husband to say to you 'I'm sorry you are having a hard time honey' and give you a hug... But then thats probably not going to happen because he sounds like he is one of those self-centred men who lacks empathy and is incapable of showing affection and concern to others.

I got rid of a similar type of bloke a few months ago, and I have to say its the best thing I did - I now spend time with people who listen to me and show they care about me. My depression has lifted and I can now cope better with my pain issues knowing that I have supportive people around me. Of course I'm not suggesting you can easily do the same - he was only my boyfriend, not my husband, and I don't have kids....

But I do know what you are going through, and it can be a very lonely place to be without your partner's support. Just concentrate on spending time with your family and friends who love you, who will listen to you and give you the care and attention you deserve. Don't let that selfish sod of a husband get to you!

Take care xx

08-25-2008, 08:42 AM
I'm not sure that it helps, but I'll throw it out there anyway.

My girls are in elementary school. And lately, they have started to tell me that their backs hurt. I'm sure that they have some pain or discomfort, but I know it doesn't hurt that bad. Probably a muscle ache from playing too hard.

As a result, I have decided that I will minimize my complaining to certain individuals that I know are sympathetic. I don't want my kids complaining over little things because then I may not be sympathetic to them when the are really hurting.


08-25-2008, 07:42 PM
Staci -

This forum has been a godsend to me. I hope you will find it as useful as I have. Don't hesitate to log on to inquire, research, complain, be scared, or whatever else comes your way.

Four years ago, as I began to research spine surgery, I didn't want to burden my young adult son too much at that time, and I am so glad I found this site. I have learned so much from it, and made good friends along the way as well. In fact, that is how I learned about Dr. Boachie in NYC.

My parents were in denial when the problems became apparent: "stand up straight", as if I were intentionally pushing my spine into a hunchback just to annoy them; I was never taken to a doctor.

As an adult, all the doctors I had ever seen, until 4 years ago, for any reason, dismissed my request for more information about treating my spine :mad: ("it's a very dangerous surgery, you're too old, should have had it done when you were a teenager, , etc." - duh !! I don't think I could legally make medical decisions on my behalf when I was 12 years of age).

I felt quite competant to investigate whatever options existed, and then to make my decision based on the facts, but no doctor would help me until the time I was in the office of a physiatrist to whom I was referred by my PCP; she looked at recent x-rays, said "your back is a me--" and stopped short in the middle of saying "mess." I told her I wanted a referral to an orthopedic surgeon, which she resisted doing, using the same mantra as I'd heard before: "you're too old, etc. " - but this time I refused to leave the office until she gave me the name of a nearby orthopedic surgeon :D , who actually acknowledged that I had Scheurmann's Kyphosis (my goodness - it actually had a name to it!) and told me that surgery, while not minor, was do-able.

On top of the doctors who were ignorant about options facing adults, my only sibling was against the surgery and kept citing reasons why I should not have it. I do not know why she felt that way, because my back clearly was quite deformed and rapidly getting worse, and she does not have any spinal deformities. When I said I was in pain standing up, or that my balance was really off, she said she had the same problems (right!!!). No empathy that I could discern was forthcoming, so I decided to just ignore her and do what I felt best for me (she did come around somewhat after I had the surgery, but not to the extent I had hoped for) but I received tons of empathy and support from people on the forum, both before and after surgery.

Maybe you hubby is tuning out because he is fearful of the surgical process; I hope your husband does come around. If he won't / can't help you before and after surgery, see if you can get help from friends & neighbors, and hire someone to clean the house, or if your budget doesn't allow for that, then just leave the place the mess it will become when you are not able to do the usual chores. Is he open-minded about reading some posts on the forum?

We're here for you.

BTW: last week I saw a "gut doctor" about a regular colonoscopy - he seemed astonished when I told him the above history about my spine and lack of treatment, and acknowledged that I should not have been ignored by my doctors -- in fact, he even knew what a "Cobb angle" is!

BTW2: long ago when I was married, everytime I had a cold, DH said he had the flu; for my menstrual cramps, he had stomach aches - always had to claim he felt worse than I did because I was not allowed to be sick and thus unable to care for him - poor baby.... Not sure what ailment he allegedly suffered while I labored and delivered without any anesthesia! :rolleyes:

08-25-2008, 08:08 PM

your post breaks my heart. We are in a very similar physical condition, although I'm 20 years older. The biggest difference is that I have a wonderful supporting husband.

Maybe yours will come around when he realizes exactly what the surgery consists of. I mean, it's not like a simple toncilectomy or something like that. This place is incredible. Not only is everyone so supportive and patient, they have a wealth of information. When I scheduled my surgery, it was 5 months away. Now it's less than 2 months, and I find myself getting more nervous, but also trying to get myself prepared. You will be ok too. It's great that you have family close that can help. Another con for you is that you are young. They tell me the young ones heal faster.

Take care of yourself, and I pray that your hubby has sense knocked into him.


08-26-2008, 09:03 AM
Thank you all sooo much...I am so happy to be here.

Ginger W.
08-28-2008, 09:45 PM
Many, MANY moons ago, I was married to a man who would slam the doors and show other signs of anger if I was in bed with an illness. I learned how to be sick and still be functional for more than a decade.

As I go through my surgery recovery, I am very grateful that I don't have the burden of that anger around me, because I simply couldn't pretend to be highly functional post-surgery.

My guess is that some spouses will seem to ignore our situations, because they can't fix it and they don't know how to cope. I'm not excusing them. I just think that "checking out" ( or, in my husband's case, getting angry) can be a mask for being scared.