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The message I would like to send has to do with: What is the effect that severe scoliosis in women has on dating and marriage. I am severely deformed due to a severe curve of 125 degrees and rotation of the vertebrae, which has caused the ribs on the right side to protrude to form a large rib hump. As much as I try to minimize the deformity with the type of clothes I wear and a padding on the other side, I have not been successful in attracting men. I have reading message on your site and noticed that many of you are married. I am surprised, but wonder where and how you have had success in finding a partner. And I wonder, as well, if I am a “victim” of cultural preferences. I am a black woman and many people have told me that black men are less tolerant of physical abnormalities that other men. ( I have also read that people with disabilities in China face more discrimination that in Europe and the US).
I would like to send you some background on my life and if you have the patience to read this long post and comment on it or give me some advice I would appreciate it.
My Scoliosis and thought about why I can’t have a serious romantic relationship
My name is Donna and I have Idiopathic Scoliosis. As a result of severe curvature and twisting of my spine, I have been left to live a life with a severe deformity, albeit without pain or discomfort, but with a rib hump on the right with stunted height. I am 4’ 11’’. I estimate I should be at least 3 or 4 inches taller. I have never been married or even asked out on a date, except a few that were totally platonic. These were not romantic encounters. No man has ever been attracted to or has approached me as a woman. I think this is due a complicated set of factors that have to do not only with the deformity, but also that I am black; two serious liabilities on the “marriage market”, at least for me. I will explain why below.
First, a little info about me:
I have a college degree with a double major, music performance (as a pianist) and music education. I worked as a high school music teacher for 35 years and am now retired.
I have a teaching endorsement in German, as well as being certified in Music with the State of Illinois. However, I have never had the chance teach German because I retired soon after submitting the requisite credentials. The interest in German evolved over several years partly due to my training and involvement in classical music. Here is an ad I found on the internet placed by a young woman stricken with scoliosis. (27 yrs old, married, one child. Home based business owner/Independent Marketing Executive. Disabled due to severe scoliosis and looking to make a difference in the world.)
My thoughts and questions about this woman: The first is surprise that she is married and the second is how and where did she find a husband? My conclusions and the basis for them: (Some people might find some of what I am expressing here as surprising and unbelievable coming from a black woman, but I must write and express what I have experienced and feel to be true, right or wrong).
She is probably white, which would have made it easier to for her to find a mate. On what do I base this assumption? I believe that a white woman with a deformity such as mine has a better chance of finding a man she can love and will love her in return than a black woman with a similar condition. I was often told as a young woman and by several people, (some of whom were black, including my mother,), that a black man would most likely have less empathy or compassion for such a woman. He wouldn’t bother getting to know her as a person. Most don’t or wouldn’t have a shred of understanding or curiosity about a woman beyond what she looks like. They wouldn’t see a woman with a physical flaw such as mine as having any value. A psychologist I was seeing about 30 years ago said she thought there might a core of truth in these assumptions. Why that should be is very complicated and I really don’t understand it. I thought and she (the psychologist) agreed that perhaps due to social and historical factors they are in greater need (than other men) for validation and to make an impression by the possession of external (material) assets, including nice clothes and cars and most importantly, a woman, who makes a great physical impression. Even my own brother agrees with me, and he is, of course, a black guy himself!!! Most men, I guess, are that way, but I believe there are probably more exceptions among white men than among blacks. I mentioned in the first paragraph a few “platonic outings” The 2 or 3 men who did take me out were white men, charming and intelligent men whom I liked very much, with whom I would have enjoyed a closer relationship if they had wished it. However no black man has even asked me out – for any reason, not even for a cup of coffee. And it’s not because I don’t talk to them or that I’m not approachable; at least I don’t think so. So, I would ask anyone who would consider my above statements about black men unfair or prejudicial , what conclusion or inference should I draw from the fact that none of them has taken me out anywhere, not so much as for a walk. They only talk to me within the “security” of school or the workplace.
Certain ethnic (non-white) groups (so I once heard in a TV documentary about people who work with the disabled) are less accepting than whites of people with physical handicaps and deformities. My belief that there is a kernel of truth to that has been borne out by experience. My interactions over the years with both blacks and whites have convinced me that that blacks have a greater tendency than whites to judge people solely by the way they look and many people, including blacks, agree with me —the irony is, of course, that being overweight, or even obese, is usually not a social liability among blacks.
Also my belief that attitudes toward physical disabilities and defects can be embedded in a culture is bolstered by articles I’ve read about China on this topic. In China, and maybe this is changing due to criticism from western societies, people with physical disabilities are not allowed to study in universities and are practically barred from pursuing professional careers. So maybe I’m lucky to have been born in this country. At least in the US, issues of discrimination are addressed and for the most part people here try to do the right thing.
(So far as worrying about assumptions that blacks (or anyone else) might make about me, I try not to anymore. I often just say to myself, “So, who are they?”)
And one could hardly expect a white man to date and marry a black woman who also has a deformity. Such a man would have to be practically a “saint”, a person with rare inner strength, confidence, and a healthy self-esteem. The psychologist I mentioned above believed, however, that some people (men in my case) are better equipped psychologically to deal with two or more issues (that I am black and misshapen) than some are with just one (race wouldn’t be an issue with a black guy. (Alas, they still can’t handle it).
At best, as my aunt Margaret once said to me when I was still in my teens, even if a man did enjoy my company and wanted to be with me, he wouldn’t act on it; because he would be ashamed to seen with me in public or worry about the opinions of his family and friends. Whatever the truth, no man (black or white)—and I have always attended racially mixed schools and as a teacher worked with an integrated faculty —has ever expressed an interest me romantically, maybe an occasional compliment-- but no one, as far as I know, has ever fallen in love with me or thought of me as the woman he wanted to be with..
I have always felt socially marginalized (not physically attractive enough and certainly not datable) and/or patronized by blacks more so than by whites, many of whom seem to enjoy sharing my interests and attending symphony concerts, operas and seeing plays with me. I have always felt more validated and accepted by white friends and colleagues than by blacks.
So, unfortunately, not only my deformity but also my interests have often left me socially isolated from blacks as a group. Many blacks I have worked with have thought of me (practically accusing me) of being “not culturally black”, not “culturally correct” enough. But even if I tried to “fit in” there is still the problem of the deformity. So, I figure the best way to live my life is to be and remain true to myself.
Sometimes it seems like the only "requirement" for attracting a man is a straight body. Men, as my mother once told me, like pretty, (meaning straight) backs. She was right, of course. It would make things a lot easier, if I disliked men, but I don’t, and often enjoy the company of intelligent men with whom I share many interests. Of course, none of them ever ask me out on a date. They don’t see me as a woman, as “datable”, leave alone “marriageable.” I realized very early in my adult years that they can’t help it, that it’s human nature, although I had hoped that maybe I possessed a few assets that would sort of compensate –in the eyes of a man—for the ugliness of my body; but, no, no, no!!! No way!!! The deformity is all they (men) see; it overrides any positive qualities I might have. Most men are simply born that way. They want perfect (that is, not malformed) bodies, even if those bodies are obese. A man will date and marry a woman who is obese, but not one with a deformity.
No matter how many friends I have, and I am blessed with good and wonderful friends, I will always feel socially marginalized because I am not considered marriageable.
I would like to send you some background on my life and if you have the patience to read this long post and comment on it or give me some advice I would appreciate it.
My Scoliosis and thought about why I can’t have a serious romantic relationship
My name is Donna and I have Idiopathic Scoliosis. As a result of severe curvature and twisting of my spine, I have been left to live a life with a severe deformity, albeit without pain or discomfort, but with a rib hump on the right with stunted height. I am 4’ 11’’. I estimate I should be at least 3 or 4 inches taller. I have never been married or even asked out on a date, except a few that were totally platonic. These were not romantic encounters. No man has ever been attracted to or has approached me as a woman. I think this is due a complicated set of factors that have to do not only with the deformity, but also that I am black; two serious liabilities on the “marriage market”, at least for me. I will explain why below.
First, a little info about me:
I have a college degree with a double major, music performance (as a pianist) and music education. I worked as a high school music teacher for 35 years and am now retired.
I have a teaching endorsement in German, as well as being certified in Music with the State of Illinois. However, I have never had the chance teach German because I retired soon after submitting the requisite credentials. The interest in German evolved over several years partly due to my training and involvement in classical music. Here is an ad I found on the internet placed by a young woman stricken with scoliosis. (27 yrs old, married, one child. Home based business owner/Independent Marketing Executive. Disabled due to severe scoliosis and looking to make a difference in the world.)
My thoughts and questions about this woman: The first is surprise that she is married and the second is how and where did she find a husband? My conclusions and the basis for them: (Some people might find some of what I am expressing here as surprising and unbelievable coming from a black woman, but I must write and express what I have experienced and feel to be true, right or wrong).
She is probably white, which would have made it easier to for her to find a mate. On what do I base this assumption? I believe that a white woman with a deformity such as mine has a better chance of finding a man she can love and will love her in return than a black woman with a similar condition. I was often told as a young woman and by several people, (some of whom were black, including my mother,), that a black man would most likely have less empathy or compassion for such a woman. He wouldn’t bother getting to know her as a person. Most don’t or wouldn’t have a shred of understanding or curiosity about a woman beyond what she looks like. They wouldn’t see a woman with a physical flaw such as mine as having any value. A psychologist I was seeing about 30 years ago said she thought there might a core of truth in these assumptions. Why that should be is very complicated and I really don’t understand it. I thought and she (the psychologist) agreed that perhaps due to social and historical factors they are in greater need (than other men) for validation and to make an impression by the possession of external (material) assets, including nice clothes and cars and most importantly, a woman, who makes a great physical impression. Even my own brother agrees with me, and he is, of course, a black guy himself!!! Most men, I guess, are that way, but I believe there are probably more exceptions among white men than among blacks. I mentioned in the first paragraph a few “platonic outings” The 2 or 3 men who did take me out were white men, charming and intelligent men whom I liked very much, with whom I would have enjoyed a closer relationship if they had wished it. However no black man has even asked me out – for any reason, not even for a cup of coffee. And it’s not because I don’t talk to them or that I’m not approachable; at least I don’t think so. So, I would ask anyone who would consider my above statements about black men unfair or prejudicial , what conclusion or inference should I draw from the fact that none of them has taken me out anywhere, not so much as for a walk. They only talk to me within the “security” of school or the workplace.
Certain ethnic (non-white) groups (so I once heard in a TV documentary about people who work with the disabled) are less accepting than whites of people with physical handicaps and deformities. My belief that there is a kernel of truth to that has been borne out by experience. My interactions over the years with both blacks and whites have convinced me that that blacks have a greater tendency than whites to judge people solely by the way they look and many people, including blacks, agree with me —the irony is, of course, that being overweight, or even obese, is usually not a social liability among blacks.
Also my belief that attitudes toward physical disabilities and defects can be embedded in a culture is bolstered by articles I’ve read about China on this topic. In China, and maybe this is changing due to criticism from western societies, people with physical disabilities are not allowed to study in universities and are practically barred from pursuing professional careers. So maybe I’m lucky to have been born in this country. At least in the US, issues of discrimination are addressed and for the most part people here try to do the right thing.
(So far as worrying about assumptions that blacks (or anyone else) might make about me, I try not to anymore. I often just say to myself, “So, who are they?”)
And one could hardly expect a white man to date and marry a black woman who also has a deformity. Such a man would have to be practically a “saint”, a person with rare inner strength, confidence, and a healthy self-esteem. The psychologist I mentioned above believed, however, that some people (men in my case) are better equipped psychologically to deal with two or more issues (that I am black and misshapen) than some are with just one (race wouldn’t be an issue with a black guy. (Alas, they still can’t handle it).
At best, as my aunt Margaret once said to me when I was still in my teens, even if a man did enjoy my company and wanted to be with me, he wouldn’t act on it; because he would be ashamed to seen with me in public or worry about the opinions of his family and friends. Whatever the truth, no man (black or white)—and I have always attended racially mixed schools and as a teacher worked with an integrated faculty —has ever expressed an interest me romantically, maybe an occasional compliment-- but no one, as far as I know, has ever fallen in love with me or thought of me as the woman he wanted to be with..
I have always felt socially marginalized (not physically attractive enough and certainly not datable) and/or patronized by blacks more so than by whites, many of whom seem to enjoy sharing my interests and attending symphony concerts, operas and seeing plays with me. I have always felt more validated and accepted by white friends and colleagues than by blacks.
So, unfortunately, not only my deformity but also my interests have often left me socially isolated from blacks as a group. Many blacks I have worked with have thought of me (practically accusing me) of being “not culturally black”, not “culturally correct” enough. But even if I tried to “fit in” there is still the problem of the deformity. So, I figure the best way to live my life is to be and remain true to myself.
Sometimes it seems like the only "requirement" for attracting a man is a straight body. Men, as my mother once told me, like pretty, (meaning straight) backs. She was right, of course. It would make things a lot easier, if I disliked men, but I don’t, and often enjoy the company of intelligent men with whom I share many interests. Of course, none of them ever ask me out on a date. They don’t see me as a woman, as “datable”, leave alone “marriageable.” I realized very early in my adult years that they can’t help it, that it’s human nature, although I had hoped that maybe I possessed a few assets that would sort of compensate –in the eyes of a man—for the ugliness of my body; but, no, no, no!!! No way!!! The deformity is all they (men) see; it overrides any positive qualities I might have. Most men are simply born that way. They want perfect (that is, not malformed) bodies, even if those bodies are obese. A man will date and marry a woman who is obese, but not one with a deformity.
No matter how many friends I have, and I am blessed with good and wonderful friends, I will always feel socially marginalized because I am not considered marriageable.
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