After much soul searching - and encouragement from some wonderful people I was afraid I hurt relaying my recovery news - I've decided (for the most part) to stay. I can't say right now how much I'll post, but the people who have writen me tell me it matters I continue to do so, so I will try. Admittedly, some of the wind has certainly left my sails, and with any luck a big gust is coming shortly.
(BTW, very much of this post will sounds familiar to someone with whom I emailed earlier. Forgive me if a very close rewrite seems lazy ... it's just so much seemed to apply)
For anyone who is concerned it's their fault (if I leave, if I don't, or I don't quite write as before) please, please believe me ... whatever I decide is NOT your fault. I don't KNOW why I'm recovering so quickly, but I swear to you all, I'd give up some of the speed I've experienced to bring some of you along to where you can enjoy life again. I mean that with all my heart.
I NEVER end up being the lucky one to bypass a lot of the really horrible shit (in any situation), so I just kind of expected (before surgery, even) it was coming .... and spent far too much time waiting for the other shoe to fall. I was terrified of ill effects, pain, drahhhhhh-mah, drama, drama, etc. in my recovery. Never did I imagine I'd end up being some kind of bizarre, accelerated recovery.
For the better part of 2 days, I've been on the fence about this ... wrestling with whether my posts would encourage more than discourage, give hope vs. breed thoughts of "why is my recovery like THIS?" and "why can't I do _____ yet?".
What no one sees about me (and Felicia (trulyaries) said it best because she and a few others talk to me on the phone and hear tone and "the rest of the story") is what I keep hidden: I DO hurt (I know not to the extent of others), and I DO get depressed ... I want my life back, and I want it NOW. It honestly takes all I have not to post that stuff. Honestly, A) I don't write it because I don't want to read a written record of it later, and B) I need my own positive posts every day to keep pushing forward.
I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but I have the same theory on positivity as I do forgiving someone. Go through the motions, pray for your worst enemy, MAKE yourself think one good thought about them a day - and before you know it, they're no longer renting a room in your head. Force positivity, and it does help the act seem real. Easier said than done? Sure, but it's all I got, sisters! ;-)
I'm still learning just like the rest of us, and I can say - even at 25 days post op - this surgery has changed me 1000x more than simply the physical (hah! as if the physical is simple.) I honestly think if God/fate/whatever gives us chances to become a better person, this is mine.
Not so much anymore, but the first 3 weeks (every morning - and several times throughout the day) my thoughts throughout the day included a LOT of "WHAT have I *done* to myself????" ... "Did I really hurt that badly before surgery???", and mostly "Have I permanently ruined myself??".
My circumstances going into surgery were a LOT different than some, as well. I don't have a husband, boyfriend, or any type of significant other. My kids no longer live at home (one about to start college - Mortuary Science, FYI - lol) and my son's a 3rd generation United States Marine. My mother is older, and despite her attempts to come take care of me, it was NOT feasible; we'd BOTH end up on the floor. There's no way I could heal while worrying about HER taking a fall. I had to be in tip top physical shape and have the house prepped to the nines, and that's ALL I worked on the 2 months prior to surgery.
Actually, NEITHER Hazel or I are "typical" (extreme ends of the spectrum), and despite her difficulties, she's a fighter - we ALL are at different stages in the battle. Same war.
So many of you have been strolling through hell for months post-op, and you remain determined and strong. I'm sure some days (maybe most days, at times) you don't feel courageous and hopeful, but you must be .... You're still here, you're still fighting, and you're writing to MY dumbass to make ME feel better because I worried myself silly I made any of YOU feel badly. A lesser woman would be doing NONE of those things.
While so many of you have expressed admiration for me (that, BTW, I don't particularly feel like I deserve), don't overlook that fighter staring back at you in the mirror. You're all my heroes, and those of you fighting particularly hard battles - who manage to encourage others through your own pain ... I'm not sure there is a term that adequately describes my awe.
I'd ask for a favor on this topic: While certainly, we all need to speak candidly on the bad days (in other threads?), might I ask that everyone who possibly *can* (perkiness not required - LOL ... just the facts), take a second and write ONE good thing you felt or did that day on this thread. I'd like to keep track of positive, encouraging thoughts in this thread to fall back on when you feel stuck in a rut. As an added bonus, it keeps the rest of us up to date on your progress ... and we all need cheerleaders ;-)
My good thought for the day?
I am surrounded by depths of strength and encouragement I never knew existed. Positivity is contagious, and just like love, is bottomless. Share freely.
Best regards,
Pam
(BTW, very much of this post will sounds familiar to someone with whom I emailed earlier. Forgive me if a very close rewrite seems lazy ... it's just so much seemed to apply)
For anyone who is concerned it's their fault (if I leave, if I don't, or I don't quite write as before) please, please believe me ... whatever I decide is NOT your fault. I don't KNOW why I'm recovering so quickly, but I swear to you all, I'd give up some of the speed I've experienced to bring some of you along to where you can enjoy life again. I mean that with all my heart.
I NEVER end up being the lucky one to bypass a lot of the really horrible shit (in any situation), so I just kind of expected (before surgery, even) it was coming .... and spent far too much time waiting for the other shoe to fall. I was terrified of ill effects, pain, drahhhhhh-mah, drama, drama, etc. in my recovery. Never did I imagine I'd end up being some kind of bizarre, accelerated recovery.
For the better part of 2 days, I've been on the fence about this ... wrestling with whether my posts would encourage more than discourage, give hope vs. breed thoughts of "why is my recovery like THIS?" and "why can't I do _____ yet?".
What no one sees about me (and Felicia (trulyaries) said it best because she and a few others talk to me on the phone and hear tone and "the rest of the story") is what I keep hidden: I DO hurt (I know not to the extent of others), and I DO get depressed ... I want my life back, and I want it NOW. It honestly takes all I have not to post that stuff. Honestly, A) I don't write it because I don't want to read a written record of it later, and B) I need my own positive posts every day to keep pushing forward.
I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but I have the same theory on positivity as I do forgiving someone. Go through the motions, pray for your worst enemy, MAKE yourself think one good thought about them a day - and before you know it, they're no longer renting a room in your head. Force positivity, and it does help the act seem real. Easier said than done? Sure, but it's all I got, sisters! ;-)
I'm still learning just like the rest of us, and I can say - even at 25 days post op - this surgery has changed me 1000x more than simply the physical (hah! as if the physical is simple.) I honestly think if God/fate/whatever gives us chances to become a better person, this is mine.
Not so much anymore, but the first 3 weeks (every morning - and several times throughout the day) my thoughts throughout the day included a LOT of "WHAT have I *done* to myself????" ... "Did I really hurt that badly before surgery???", and mostly "Have I permanently ruined myself??".
My circumstances going into surgery were a LOT different than some, as well. I don't have a husband, boyfriend, or any type of significant other. My kids no longer live at home (one about to start college - Mortuary Science, FYI - lol) and my son's a 3rd generation United States Marine. My mother is older, and despite her attempts to come take care of me, it was NOT feasible; we'd BOTH end up on the floor. There's no way I could heal while worrying about HER taking a fall. I had to be in tip top physical shape and have the house prepped to the nines, and that's ALL I worked on the 2 months prior to surgery.
Actually, NEITHER Hazel or I are "typical" (extreme ends of the spectrum), and despite her difficulties, she's a fighter - we ALL are at different stages in the battle. Same war.
So many of you have been strolling through hell for months post-op, and you remain determined and strong. I'm sure some days (maybe most days, at times) you don't feel courageous and hopeful, but you must be .... You're still here, you're still fighting, and you're writing to MY dumbass to make ME feel better because I worried myself silly I made any of YOU feel badly. A lesser woman would be doing NONE of those things.
While so many of you have expressed admiration for me (that, BTW, I don't particularly feel like I deserve), don't overlook that fighter staring back at you in the mirror. You're all my heroes, and those of you fighting particularly hard battles - who manage to encourage others through your own pain ... I'm not sure there is a term that adequately describes my awe.
I'd ask for a favor on this topic: While certainly, we all need to speak candidly on the bad days (in other threads?), might I ask that everyone who possibly *can* (perkiness not required - LOL ... just the facts), take a second and write ONE good thing you felt or did that day on this thread. I'd like to keep track of positive, encouraging thoughts in this thread to fall back on when you feel stuck in a rut. As an added bonus, it keeps the rest of us up to date on your progress ... and we all need cheerleaders ;-)
My good thought for the day?
I am surrounded by depths of strength and encouragement I never knew existed. Positivity is contagious, and just like love, is bottomless. Share freely.
Best regards,
Pam
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