View Full Version : Allow me to vent for a moment..

12-08-2007, 09:02 AM
I had been doing pretty well with my spirits until this weekend, when I found out about a couple of musical parties and get-togethers that I had not been invited to (I'm a professional singer). I realize this sounds a bit childish and small, and I am sure there was no malice involved. I know people assume I'm not going out at night yet (and I'm basically not), and they know I can't sing yet, but I was amazed at how much this hurt. I would have made every effort to go. Well, musical folks tend to be a self-centered, kind of flaky lot, and so I am not taking it personally. I usually give people the benefit of the doubt, and assume that everyone is doing the best they can in life. But still.

One of the hardest things about this surgery and recovery is that it is so long and debilitating, you tend to drop off the radar screen socially -- and I wasn't prepared for that. My true friends have stuck by my side, but I've been amazed that others have unexpectedly backed away. At least I've learned to be very sensitive to anyone in my circle who ever has to go through something similar!

Thanks for slogging through this....had to get it off my chest.

12-08-2007, 09:41 AM
Dear Singer-- glad you were able to vent to us and not keep it bottled up. I know it would still hurt to be slighted in that way, even though it was not intentional. I'm feeling for you! Would it be possible to "bring the party" to you somehow? Like with just some of your music friends, and have it a potluck type thing with the refreshments? Maybe it could even be a "tree trimming" thing or "deck the halls", on a small scale-- and that way you wouldn't have to do any decorating yourself ahead of time. Just a thought... but maybe too much to handle at this time.

I didn't realize your name--Singer-- was also your occupation! :) Keep up the good attitude, cry when you need to, and let us know how it's going, regardless. This too will pass-- and think about how you'll be by next Christmas! :D

12-08-2007, 10:01 AM
Forgive me, but when i read your description of musicians as a little self-centered and flaky, I had to laugh!! I grew up in a music store and witnessed in the 1960's (through the eyes of a little kid) enough strange occurrences to write a book. Your friends will pigeonhole you as sick or injured until you get back to 100%. I don't know why, but handicaps scare people, like they will catch it if they are around it. I hope you can see where you will get back into the swing of things. This surgery does change you in many ways. I hope you feel like a million bucks wearing your pretty performing clothes on stage!!!! Hang in there, dear!

12-08-2007, 01:15 PM
Hi Singer,

Sometimes I assume that some have a hard time with people in sickness and/or handicaped. It is hurtful though :( . It does tell you though who your true friends are. I have the same thing going on so you are not the only one. When you have a large network of friends (as I am sure you do being a Singer) there will be some that will handle this situation differently, and as you say, I am sure it's not intentional. Just take care of yourself because you are #1


12-08-2007, 09:18 PM
It is a sad part of our society today, that most people do not know how to act around someone that has special needs of any kind. I find that most of my friends have been through a medical condition of one kind or another. We all hang out at a therapy pool and each is considered an expert at their condition. If someone has back issues, they come to me. There are several ladies that have been through different kinds of cancer that we ask questions of. I think most people today are afraid of talking to someone or being around them for fear they will catch what they had.

12-09-2007, 07:56 AM
Thank you, ladies. Ironically, I gave someone here a mini-lecture a while back who was venting about the same thing -- telling them to give people a break, people are doing the best they can, yada yada yada. Hello, humble pie!

The fact is, this is a long and lonely recovery -- unless you've been there, you just have no idea. That's why this Forum is such a VERY good thing.


Linda W
12-09-2007, 09:00 PM
Hi Chris,

Human nature never ceases to amaze me. I have been totally surprised by people I did not consider "close" friends who have stepped forward and volunteered to walk with me, prepare a meal, taken me shopping or for a quick outing, sent cards or emails and made phone calls just to see how I was doing. They have truly touched my heart. On the other hand, my closest friend for the last 50 years, has been absent since I came home on July 16th. Perhaps she thinks I had a miraculous recovery from the time of my discharge! The rest of us know better about how long recovery takes!

I think our friends who disappoint us or forget us during our lengthy recoveries are not intentionally negligent. They are just clueless. Maybe they think we only needed them while we were in the hospital or immediately post op. Sadly, for some people, we are out of sight and out of mind at a time when we probably need them most. The people on this forum are probably the strongest and bravest people we collectively know. We probably project that strength to others as well so they think we are fine on our own. Please know that I am thankful for all of you, your Forum friendship and your support and understanding!

I may need to hit my friend over the head with her Christmas present or my cane! Chris, perhaps you could call your music friends and sing them a tune to let them know that you are still in fine voice even if you are currently walking a tad more slowly!


12-10-2007, 08:26 AM
Thank you Linda, that was very eloquently said. Hope your friend comes around without having to be bopped on the head!

12-10-2007, 08:48 AM
The fact is, this is a long and lonely recovery -- unless you've been there, you just have no idea. That's why this Forum is such a VERY good thing.
I've been thinking about what you said the other day, and that sums it up so well. At least for me! Fortunately, I'm not someone who craves company a lot. But other than seeing people at church, I don't really see anyone at all. Except my husband, of course! My kids have come to visit when they could, but no one else has been by to see me in ages and ages. Again, I could probably call someone up and ask them over--but that, too, seems awkward. I also realize they are still living the fast-paced lives we are all so used to... and now I'm not. My main social time is going to physical therapy. (!) One perk (with having lots of time) is that I'm all done with my Christmas shopping (mostly online), got my cards sent out in record time, and am having some fun baking different cookies up for when my family is all here during the holidays. I invented a new cookie the other day, so that was also fun. Triple chocolate dream balls--a take off on Mexican wedding cakes, but chocolate, with mini chocolate chips, rolled in pwd. sugar with cocoa. Mmmm! So, I have a new cookie recipe thanks to having lots of time... :)

Yes, this is a lonely time. But probably also an inevitable part of the whole healing experience for some of us. And it's not all bad. Just hurts when things happen-- like friends, whom you thought would be there for you, aren't. I'm in that boat too. :(

12-11-2007, 01:24 AM
I think the feeling of being lonely is amplified in our own mind to a certain degree. Having been through it and now thinking back on the situations that made me feel that way, I have to give it a different spin.

I had friends that came through for me in many ways, but I also had friends that avoided certain situations. I think that they thought that they may be asking me to do something that they knew I loved to do, but couldn't, and I think they felt like they were doing me a favor, by not asking me to participate.

I think they knew me well enough, that not being able to participate in certain activities that we had enjoyed in the past, would be very depressing to me.

Could that be the case for??? And there were a few friends that just didn't know how to deal with me with my new limitations. I couldn't blame them, but I won't say it didn't hurt. But as I look back, I understand that in some ways I may have been the same way.

I hope this makes sense!!!


12-11-2007, 07:49 AM
Shari, I think that makes perfect sense.

I can't believe how touchy and sensitive I have become since this surgery. I think these surgeons should have a full-time psychologist on their staff -- seriously! -- for the many emotional issues we go through post-op.

12-11-2007, 10:16 AM

One of the surgeons I saw in Chicago did have such a person on his staff. In fact, I was told that part of the pre-op requirement was an assessment by the psychologist.


12-11-2007, 10:36 AM
I agree!! Part of our therapy should include PSYCHOtherapy... Depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress.... all of it is very real for us.... And not having anyone to talk to all day long only magnifies it, as Shari said. Maybe that was why i was in such a hurry to return to work after both my original and my revision surgeries.... just to feel like a part of the real world again. And as Singer said... that's why this forum is so important to all of us!!

12-12-2007, 09:04 AM
I have always been an 'up' kind of person always seeing the good in everything...but this surgery & drugs made me very down for a short(looking back now) time in my life. It is extremely difficult mentally as you get frustrated as to all you once did & cannot now. But one adapts! I was not prepared about how the drugs would affect me. It really took a year for my energy levels to come up & physically feel better & mentally forget thinking of the humongous surgery I went thru!
It sometimes is a lonely recovery because( personally for me) because you don't physically & emotionally feel like socializing & you don't get out as much because you are driving less & just so tired by early evening( at least at 47+!!)
Now at a year & almost 4 mths, I feel really good & enjoy going out w/ friends & family!
I just went to a Christmas concert with my husband & had such a great time!
plus I put all my Christmas lights up outside with a step ladder the other night. Hubby spyed on me frequently & offered to help but I thoroughly was enjoying myself! It felt so good to do it since last Christmas I was much slower & not into it as much.....
so for all you in the same age bracket, it will get better with time! Think of it as building your character & making you stronger as you go on in recovery & perhaps it will raiise your compassion for people who go thru depression & big operations to help them where you can when you are recovered......Ly :) :) :)