View Full Version : Daughter is very nervous

02-21-2007, 03:09 PM
I was wondering how those of you with kids handled talking about surgery. I have tried to be upbeat and cool with my daughter (almost 11), but she's gotten very clingy and doesn't want me to leave her at bedtime...she says she wants me now because she "won't have me later" -- when I'm at hospital/rehab. I'm suspect she's overheard me talking about some gory details with my husband or has picked up some worry/tension from me. She's a very sweet and sensitive girl. I don't know if I should avoid the subject, or bring it up with her so she can talk about it.

Trudy's death really threw me for a loop, and while I am aware that it was an extremely rare event, it happened. It's difficult not to think of her children. I am trying to be positive, but this tragedy really underscored the seriousness of this surgery for me. I just can't bear the thought of anything happening to me, for my daughter's sake.

Thanks for listening.......

02-21-2007, 05:17 PM
Hi Chris,

I have no children yet, so I won't pretend to offer advice as another mom, but I sincerely sympathize with this as it's something I sometimes get worried about with regard to leaving surgery until after I have kids.

Having had a mom get sick at a young age, and having had a family who were - to everybody's detriment! - very silent on the subject, I personally feel that kids need at least some information about what's going on with their parents (with positivity rather than teariness, obviously). You may already have talked about it, but perhaps you could explain the timeline for her, with regard to how long you will likely be away from the house, where you will be, etc. Maybe you could even make a calendar or something like that so she can see the time passing til when you get back. I have a nephew who is 9, and one of the things he loves most is getting notes / letters, so maybe you could write some for her to open while you are away. Anything to make some treats while she is putting up with you being gone :)

I'm sure some of the others on here will be able to give more of their own experiences with their kids. Courage and fortitude with all this. Thinking of you - Laura

02-21-2007, 06:36 PM
Chris -

My daughter was 11 when I had my surgery ( I also have a 17 y/o and a 14 y/o). I was honest with my kids regarding my surgery, but I gave them just the right amount of information. I don't think it's important to discuss how they graft bone from the iliac crest for instance. I told them what I would look like when the came to visit and what it would be like for the first several weeks after I got home. I wanted to prepare them as much as possible without freaking them out. It pretty much went like this: "Mom is having surgery on Monday to fix her back. I will be in the hospital for a week, maybe more. When you come to visit me, I will probably be real tired and not feeling the greatest, but I will be so happy to see you. When I get home, I could really use your help with a few things like, bringing me meals, drinks, propping up my pillows, etc. It won't always be like this and I hope to be more like myself again in a few months."

It is normal to be concerned for your well-being during surgery. Especially after Trudy's passing. Just try to keep things in their proper perspective. The odds are in your favor that your surgery will be safe and successful.

02-21-2007, 11:22 PM
My son is 11 and he was of course on my mind the most. He saw how much pain I was in and how I was not able to do things because of the pain. We went from there staying positive about how much better I would be after the recovery. I told him he was going to have to be my helper and it all worked out well.
On a funny note I was Christmas shopping with my 4 yr old granddaughter (going on 40) and I had the stroller. I was about 3 months post op. She turned around and said Grammy I wish you didn't have that back surgery because I want you to carry me.

02-22-2007, 06:08 AM
Thanks all. I really like the idea of leaving her notes to read while I'm gone...I do have to talk to her about the benefits of the surgery -- how I'll be able to do more things with her eventually.

It's very weird -- some days I'm really okay with the idea of surgery, and other days -- like yesterday -- I'm a mess. I was so busy thinking about myself I hadn't thought about the impact the waiting period would have on other family members.

It would be nice if I were a more laid-back kind of person -- but I ain't. So be it....

Karen Ocker
02-22-2007, 04:12 PM
I talked on the phone to family almost every day-once I was out of the step-down unit. My mom is elderly-I called her from the ICU after I was extubated. I told her what my correction was and she thought I meant the outside temperature!!!

02-22-2007, 04:19 PM
Awww bless her heart!

Chris, I believe everything is going to go well for you and that you will be glad by this time next year that you went ahead and did the surgery. There will be some rough times, i'm not kidding you, but if i can do it, you can do it .... and probably much BETTER!

((((hugs))))) JoAnn

02-22-2007, 04:34 PM
Thanks JoAnn!

Karen -- that's hysterical about your mother !!!

02-23-2007, 03:25 AM
Hi Chris,

I know how hard you have taken this tragic outcome with Trudy!!! And to be honest with you I wish it would have been me, because I have no children!!! I just don't think it's fair!!! I do know that God has a plan for all of us and I don't think it's always right, but we have to trust in him!!!

I completely understand everything you're going through right now, and my heart and prayers go out to you and Trudy's family and friends.

It's still hard for me to express my emotions, as I'm sure it is for you!!! I guess I don't know how to let everyone involved know how much this has affected me, and that is not the most important issue!!!

I don't really know how to end this, except that my heart and soul goes out to her husband and children!!!


02-23-2007, 11:09 AM
Hi Chris,

I think you hit the nail on the head with your comment about your Daughter picking up on your worry and tension. We forget kids are a lot smarter then we give them credit for. My Daughter was 10 and Son just turned 16 when I had my surgery. Like Brandi wrote you need to give them some information but not all. I made sure they knew it was for the best. You will need to reassure her if she is already feeling this way. You must be strong. I know you have had the roller coaster ride of emotions but you will be fine. The odds ARE in your favor.

02-23-2007, 12:54 PM
Last night, as I sat in the bleachers watching my daughter play basketball with my back absolutely killing me, I was ready to have the surgery performed TODAY (lol). I had to get up and walk around every ten minutes. Then I thought, "Oh yeah, this is why I'm getting my back fixed." It's the days when my back feels pretty good that I tend to second-guess.

I realize that I will have to grow some balls (pardon my crudeness) and face this surgery like a grown-up. I'm sure I will get there eventually.

Thanks for everyone's words of support.

Jacque's Mom
02-23-2007, 02:24 PM
Singer - just sent you a PM

02-23-2007, 04:50 PM
Chris- I had the same feelings.. some days you feel like you're ok & don't need the operation & other days you are in pain & want it done tomorrow...
I felt like I went thru every emotion there was before this surgery. The waiting is extremely hard. No matter what you do, it is always on your mind. I had doubts & fears like crazy but when I saw myself in the mirror at night, & how deformed I was, I knew this operation was the only hope to help me from getting way worse. I listened to my 'inner voice' & as much as the doubts came in, I knew it was the right decision. :)