that I will be meeting with in November...yes that is right....all booked until November. I'm PETRIFIED that he will write me off and not even consider what I have to say.
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Dr. Rand,
I am writing this letter in hopes that you will not dismiss my case simply because my curvature is less than 50 degrees. While my curvature might be considered “moderate,” the effect it has on my mental state is severe. I have very low self esteem due to the plethora of health issues I have endured in 26 years. I hate the way I look and I cry every day about it. My parents are fed up with listening to me cry and told me to fix the problem if it bothers me that much. I do not enjoy going out with friends to bars, games, movies, restaurants etc. I spend the entire time thinking about my back and how horribly freakish I look. It is mortifying for me to have to bend down to pick something up because my rib hump sticks out like a sore thumb. I refuse to date because I am so self conscious about my figure that I do not even like being AROUND people, let alone potential boyfriends. I turned down being the maid of honor in my best friend’s wedding because I would have to wear a tight fitting dress and my right shoulder is so rounded that I look awful in regular clothes, let alone a dress! I am going on a cruise this summer with my family and I am not looking forward to it since bathing suits and scoliosis don’t mix. I spend hours every night looking at my back in a mirror, with clothes, without, with a bra, without, sideways, facing front, back etc. In the end I wind up in tears and sometimes quite hysterical. I understand that there are some people who are worse off than me. However, my body has continually failed me from the time I was a young child and I simply cannot deal with this deformity any longer. I have OCD, ADD, Depression, PTSD, Colonic Inertia, Hypothyroidism, Scoliosis, high blood pressure, and a benign brain tumor. That’s the short list. Some of these conditions are not serious, but they DO add up and they DO crush my self esteem. I can deal with everything BUT the scoliosis. Everything else is easily hidden. The scoliosis is NOT. I do not want to live with a hump on my back.
I am sure you will read this and assume that I simply need counseling. I have been in counseling since the time I was 4 years old. I have been on almost every anti-depressant in the book. Having the surgery will NOT cure my depression. However, it will relieve a lot of my anxiety and help me to feel better about myself. My self image/self worth is something that I struggle with every day, and it is the root off my depression and anxiety issues. I am currently dealing with the aftermath of sexual abuse and how it has negatively impacted self image. The troubles I have faced in the past make dealing with a deformity, even a relatively mild deformity, enormously difficult. I used to be a very heavy child. I was tormented at school day in and day out. I used to sit in the school bathroom and eat my sandwich while sitting on top of the toilet lid so no one would be mean to me. In High School I had to wear a back brace every day. I was tormented and people would routinely ask me to bend over so that they could see my “hump.” In college I dieted my way down to a healthy weight. My weight became a major concern of mine. Even now I follow a VERY restrictive diet and I will always have to do so. I dieted, lost the weight, but still I could not wear cute clothes because my “hump” stuck out. I worked so hard to lose weight and have a nice figure and in the end it did nothing but accentuate my spinal deformity. It seems I cannot win for losing.
In addition to the emotional toll this has been taking on my health, I am in pain every single day. I am a very fit and active young woman and I eat healthy. Still, my back aches all day, every day. Normally it is just a dull, throbbing pain, but occasionally it is sharp and severe. I have heard that scoliosis surgery is a difficult procedure. I’m sure it is. I am a strong woman and I feel I can handle it though. 2 years ago I had to have my entire colon removed due to colonic inertia (paralyzed colon). I spent 7 years suffering with the disorder before finally getting some relief. I was warned about how awful the surgery would be and made to wait years before finally being offered the procedure as a last resort. Yes, the surgery was rough, but the benefits have far outweighed the pain! I still harbor resentment towards the medical professionals who made me suffer for 7 years before fixing my problem. I lost 7 years of my life with colonic inertia. I don’t want to feel awful about my body and my deformity anymore. I don’t want to lose any more of my precious youth. I don’t want to have the surgery this year…maybe not even next year. I have a lot on my plate right now. I just need some piece of mind. I need to know that when I decide I need to have my spine fixed, I will be able to have someone fix it. It is my body isn’t it? If I understand the risks, and have thought long and hard about this (heck I just want to have the option of surgery, I’m not saying I will ultimately have the operation) don’t I have the right to control my own body? I’ve been through a lot and I DESERVE to have a straight spine. I don’t deserve to walk around with a hump on my back. It is time for me to be proactive and say enough is enough. I have reached my breaking point and I am desperate. In all honesty, and this is something I have discussed at length with my therapist, I know in my heart I will not live to see 30 if I have to walk around with a hump on my back forever. The hump on my back reinforces all of the feelings I have about my body bad, ugly, stupid, hideous, freakish, worthless, sub-human. I don’t feel like a woman. I feel like some sort of monstrous creature. I don’t deserve to feel this way, and I shouldn’t have to feel this way.
I appreciate you taking the time to read this letter. Hopefully you will not write me off.
Sincerely
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Dr. Rand,
I am writing this letter in hopes that you will not dismiss my case simply because my curvature is less than 50 degrees. While my curvature might be considered “moderate,” the effect it has on my mental state is severe. I have very low self esteem due to the plethora of health issues I have endured in 26 years. I hate the way I look and I cry every day about it. My parents are fed up with listening to me cry and told me to fix the problem if it bothers me that much. I do not enjoy going out with friends to bars, games, movies, restaurants etc. I spend the entire time thinking about my back and how horribly freakish I look. It is mortifying for me to have to bend down to pick something up because my rib hump sticks out like a sore thumb. I refuse to date because I am so self conscious about my figure that I do not even like being AROUND people, let alone potential boyfriends. I turned down being the maid of honor in my best friend’s wedding because I would have to wear a tight fitting dress and my right shoulder is so rounded that I look awful in regular clothes, let alone a dress! I am going on a cruise this summer with my family and I am not looking forward to it since bathing suits and scoliosis don’t mix. I spend hours every night looking at my back in a mirror, with clothes, without, with a bra, without, sideways, facing front, back etc. In the end I wind up in tears and sometimes quite hysterical. I understand that there are some people who are worse off than me. However, my body has continually failed me from the time I was a young child and I simply cannot deal with this deformity any longer. I have OCD, ADD, Depression, PTSD, Colonic Inertia, Hypothyroidism, Scoliosis, high blood pressure, and a benign brain tumor. That’s the short list. Some of these conditions are not serious, but they DO add up and they DO crush my self esteem. I can deal with everything BUT the scoliosis. Everything else is easily hidden. The scoliosis is NOT. I do not want to live with a hump on my back.
I am sure you will read this and assume that I simply need counseling. I have been in counseling since the time I was 4 years old. I have been on almost every anti-depressant in the book. Having the surgery will NOT cure my depression. However, it will relieve a lot of my anxiety and help me to feel better about myself. My self image/self worth is something that I struggle with every day, and it is the root off my depression and anxiety issues. I am currently dealing with the aftermath of sexual abuse and how it has negatively impacted self image. The troubles I have faced in the past make dealing with a deformity, even a relatively mild deformity, enormously difficult. I used to be a very heavy child. I was tormented at school day in and day out. I used to sit in the school bathroom and eat my sandwich while sitting on top of the toilet lid so no one would be mean to me. In High School I had to wear a back brace every day. I was tormented and people would routinely ask me to bend over so that they could see my “hump.” In college I dieted my way down to a healthy weight. My weight became a major concern of mine. Even now I follow a VERY restrictive diet and I will always have to do so. I dieted, lost the weight, but still I could not wear cute clothes because my “hump” stuck out. I worked so hard to lose weight and have a nice figure and in the end it did nothing but accentuate my spinal deformity. It seems I cannot win for losing.
In addition to the emotional toll this has been taking on my health, I am in pain every single day. I am a very fit and active young woman and I eat healthy. Still, my back aches all day, every day. Normally it is just a dull, throbbing pain, but occasionally it is sharp and severe. I have heard that scoliosis surgery is a difficult procedure. I’m sure it is. I am a strong woman and I feel I can handle it though. 2 years ago I had to have my entire colon removed due to colonic inertia (paralyzed colon). I spent 7 years suffering with the disorder before finally getting some relief. I was warned about how awful the surgery would be and made to wait years before finally being offered the procedure as a last resort. Yes, the surgery was rough, but the benefits have far outweighed the pain! I still harbor resentment towards the medical professionals who made me suffer for 7 years before fixing my problem. I lost 7 years of my life with colonic inertia. I don’t want to feel awful about my body and my deformity anymore. I don’t want to lose any more of my precious youth. I don’t want to have the surgery this year…maybe not even next year. I have a lot on my plate right now. I just need some piece of mind. I need to know that when I decide I need to have my spine fixed, I will be able to have someone fix it. It is my body isn’t it? If I understand the risks, and have thought long and hard about this (heck I just want to have the option of surgery, I’m not saying I will ultimately have the operation) don’t I have the right to control my own body? I’ve been through a lot and I DESERVE to have a straight spine. I don’t deserve to walk around with a hump on my back. It is time for me to be proactive and say enough is enough. I have reached my breaking point and I am desperate. In all honesty, and this is something I have discussed at length with my therapist, I know in my heart I will not live to see 30 if I have to walk around with a hump on my back forever. The hump on my back reinforces all of the feelings I have about my body bad, ugly, stupid, hideous, freakish, worthless, sub-human. I don’t feel like a woman. I feel like some sort of monstrous creature. I don’t deserve to feel this way, and I shouldn’t have to feel this way.
I appreciate you taking the time to read this letter. Hopefully you will not write me off.
Sincerely
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