doubts from close ones.........

[lelc2002@yahoo]

I guess it's only normal for family members to have some doubts with less than 3 mths to go... My mom was good to go on all of this & seemed so strong. Today she asked me was I sure all of this was'nt in my head, pains etc... then my husband rolled his eyes & questioned me too!!! I feel they are starting to desert me in my hour of need! I know they are just scared but I need them to go with my decision here......geez! did you all have those issues w/ the family??? LY

60/60 curves, 85 kyphosis 95 thorolumbar....surgery ant/post. in Aug

[katblack]

Lynne,
I'm gonna be honest with ya.
Even the people who love us the most in all the world, get tired of hearing about it.
My whole family was sick to death of counting down and what to expect and how it's gonna be after and what do we need to buy and all of that jazz. They aren't deserting you, just feeling the pressure themselves and it's like, maybe this isn't really happening and maybe we won't really have to go through this.

They don't doubt you, they are just tired.
It's 3 months to go and the closer it gets, the more you are going to talk about it and the more tired and stressed everyone is going to be about it.

I felt like such a huge burden on everyone the last months leading up to it all. I felt like I was draining the very life blood from all my support staff. I could see it wearing on them.

Take deep breaths. Take little breaks from thinking about it. I know that's hard to do, but try spending a day not discussing it with them. Do something fun and don't mention it. Give your family a mini vacation from the stress and pressure they are obviously feeling.
If you need to talk about it, come here but try giving them all a break from it.

Understand what I'm saying? I hope this isn't coming off as a shut up Lynne type of post cuz it's not. I went through this exact same thing and it was all stress related. You are stressed and worried and so are they and everyone just needs to take a breather from the stress once in awhile.

***hugs***

[Shari]

Hi Lynne,

I think that they are just as fearful as you are, only in a different way!!! It is very hard to comprehend the magnitude of the situation, and I think that they may be worried for you. It just may be hard for them to express their fears in a way that is comforting to you. I don't think that anyone can truly understand unless they are going through it themselves!!!

Don't hold it against them, because they are just as scared as you are. They love you!!! And they also know, that their lives are going to change too, for a while. The anticipation of what you are about to undergo, is as hard on them as it is on you, but in a very different way.

I personally felt, the closer I got to my surgery date, the more sensitive I became to every slight reaction. You have every right to feel the way you're feeling. Just try to remember that they LOVE you, and they're scared too!!!

Just my thoughts,
Shari

[lelc2002@yahoo]

tks! every so often my husband says"you can pull out of this if you really aren't ready yet..." "you can wait till next year"............augghhhh!

[sweetness514]

I second what has been so well said, they're scared and worried, but you know you can't wait. Honestly, I've had three surgeries and each time I can say that there are only those who I'm very close with, three people who are my hubby, mom and dad who supported me, and I know I'm very lucky to have them, but I also know it must weigh on them. In my case, most people I wasn't close with used to tell me to get surgery realy quickly everytime without even examining what needed to be done and being ready and knowing that it was to the point that I had no other choice(for my physical and emotional well being), except my hubby and parents, who didn't rush me and told me to go through it when I was ready, since they know how big of a deal it is, they're the ones who see me and get how I feel. So your family saying maybe you could wait are just aware of what it's going to be like and know how it affects you emotionally now, and are anxious. Try to remind them of the pain and the seriousness of your case, even if I'm sure they know.

Try to relax and do things for the moment.

[Suzy]

Hi Ya Lynne,
My family knew I had researched it enough to know it was the right choice for me. I did feel the need to talk about my findings and what I was facing. I did up date them as I found out more info and that gave me a chance to talk it out more. I caught the eye roll from my husband on occasion because he got tired of it but I felt he needed info! I'll tell you, he understood after surgery because he was surprised to see how tough it was for me. He hadn't listened quite as much as I had talked! Do not worry about "talking them out" so to speak. I NEEDED to talk about it, we all do. But like katblack said you can come to this site. Plus, you have my e-mail! I guess its not like having a baby.............you can talk that to death and no one will roll their eyes at you, huh? LOL. Keep positive thoughts, and talk to us here! We all will be here for you after as well because you will want to talk then too! Suzy

[katblack]

Lynne,
I also want to add, you have your blog. Use it. Just being able to get all your thoughts and fears and worries out there is a huge help.
If the people around you are tired and stressed, vent on your blog, vent here and give them a chance to breathe.

My kids, the only family I had at home 24/7, was so scared and so worried and even my sis who is an occupational therapist, were just exhausted from stress and worry.
I used my blog so much in those last few months. I was able to get out everything I was thinking and worried about without stressing and worrying them.

They love you and will be there after your surgery 100%. Trust me.

[Gail]

Hello Lynne,

My husband was the accelerator and I was the brakes on getting my back repaired. My husband encouraged me for several years... I actually believed I was too old (at that time 42) to have anything done. Your family will settle down as soon as they deal with their fears...you will be fine and your family will be there to support you. Hang in there!

Kindest Regards,
Gail

[MATJESNIC]

Sweetness 514,

Do you know St. Justine hospital in Montreal?



Melissa

[bbest]

Lynne I sent you a private message. Also, I am going through something kind of similar with my family/close friends. Thanks for posting on this because the responses you received really helped. I never really considered that some folks get tired of hearing about it. It is such a big deal to us, we can't help but discuss it, read about it, prepare for it, etc. I guess sometimes they want to put it out of their heads for a while. They know it's going to happen, so they want to have as many non-surgery related days and moments with us as possible. I think what I will do is try to limit my discussions, worries and fears about this operation to this board and my blog. After all, you guys understand what this is all about. Enough about me, Lynne if you ever need to talk about it or get some feedback or just vent, I'll be here.

Brandi

[JoAnn5]

Lynne, I understand what you are talking about with the doubts and eye rolls, etc. Because i'm pretty quiet about all my aches and pains, no one really knew how bad i hurt before the surgery. As soon as the drs would see my x-rays, though, they'd say "You had to be in a lot of pain for a lot of years!" One of the best things was having my hubby go with me to visit the surgeon pre-op. I didn't have to say much, when he saw those x-rays and heard the dr. telling about so many of my discs being almost gone and others herniated... he was convinced. Later when he didn't know i could hear him, he was telling my kids, "You ought to see Mama's back... her spine looks like a snake with all the curves and turns and rotation!" That made them realize more than any of my moans and groans would have done... Also, my in-laws were sort of pooh-poohing it as 'elective' surgery beforehand....They didn't even bother to come visit me in the hospital or later at home. When i was finally able to go visit them, they were shocked to see how white and weak i was. So of course i rubbed it in and showed them all my incision scars...lol...They finally realized that a well-respected surgeon in a highly reputable hospital would not have done such if it were just 'elective'.

Your doubters will find out the truth, too. That you have been very brave to have endured so long, and brave to face extensive surgery. Your friends and "cyber family" here understand and accept you. We will comfort when we can and give you the benefit of our similar experiences....

Sending hugs and prayers... JoAnn

[sweetness514]

[QUOTE=MATJESNIC]Sweetness 514,

Do you know St. Justine hospital in Montreal?



Melissa[/QUOTE

Hi Melissa,

Yes, I was supposed to get surgery there at the age of 18, but since I had not much pain I waited and had surgery at 26, at the Montreal General hospital. If you're under 21, St. Justine is the best, with Shriner's as well.

Are you from Montreal?

[HGD24]

I agree with everyone, your family is saying these things out of their own worry and fears; they're not doubting you.

My parents drove from another state and went to the hospital with my husband and I the morning of my surgery. Just before we left, I sat on the couch and took a deep breath, looked across the room at my dog and started to cry. Up until that moment, I was a ROCK! My mother looked at me and she started to cry and said to me, "you don't have to do this, you can call and cancel you know, no one will be upset with you if you don't go through with this."

It wasn't that she didn't believe in me or wasn't being there for me, she just knew what I was in for with my recovery (my dad had a triple by-pass about 10 years prior) and knew that it was not going to be an easy road and she knew that I was crying because I was nervous as Hell!

After my surgery, she sat by my bedside for 4 days and called constantly once they got back home. They returned 2 weeks later to be with me when my husband went back to work.

I think it's toughest for the people who love us the most to see us go through the mental and physical challenges we face when preparing for and recovering from this surgery. They may be saying these things to you in order to keep you protected from one of the most difficult things you will have to go through in your life....

[lelc2002@yahoo]

Hi everyone--
thkyou for your comments,,& help! Once again I am calmed down. I just came back from a mini vacation which seemed to do the trick....for now! thks again, ly http://lynnebackattack.blogspot.com

[bbest]

Lynne -

These things happen. One minute you're in agony and have no doubt your making the right decision and the next you're feeling better or someone chimes in and makes you re-evaluate the situation. I'm glad you were able to get away and rest a bit. I have no doubt you 'll make the right decision for you.

Brandi