View Full Version : Could use some good advice...

03-28-2006, 10:06 AM
Hi Everyone-

My husband and I are going through a very rough time right now, and may actually separate. I am scheduled to have a combined AP fusion in May and am considering postponing my surgery. I feel that the surgery is stressful enough alone without having this additional problem to deal with. When I scheduled my surgery, I did not know I would be faced with this issue. A part of me wants to put it off because it is elective and I wont die if I don't have it right now. On the other hand, I am doing it for me, so that I can move forward and enjoy life more. Why should I deny myself that right. Anyway, I was hoping to get some advice before I make a decision one way or the other.


03-28-2006, 11:34 AM
I guess no-one can make this decision for you and it will be a hard choice.I will only say that your age is important if you are considering postponing - the older you are the harder it is to heal.

Whatever you choose to do will be personal and ultimately the right choice I am sure.

Good luck!

03-28-2006, 12:13 PM
Hi Brandi...

Would you have someone who can help take care of you for at least a week or two after you return home? That should certainly be a consideration. I agree that the added stress probably isn't a great way to go into such a major surgery.


03-28-2006, 01:24 PM
My mother will be staying at my house the week I return from the hospital. My kids will only have a week 1/2 of school left at that point. I could probably convince Mom to stay a while longer if needed.

03-28-2006, 04:11 PM
Hi Brandi
Sorry to hear of your marriage difficulties. I think your biggest concern is your emotional state at the moment, not just whether you will have the physical support after your surgery. Surgery can be very stressful and if you are already having some emotional upheaval in your life I would suggest you postpone if only for a short while till you are happier within yourself.
I have had to delay my surgery for 3 to 6 months because I'm suffering anxiety and depression at the moment and my doc has said it's not a good combination with surgery.
Best Wishes

03-28-2006, 08:54 PM
I'm really sorry that you are going through such an emotional thing right now...actually, two emotional things. Problems with a spouse is hard enough...and upcoming surgery is hard enough...without the added stress. My advice, such as it is, is to wait until you and your spouse sit down and talk. Is it possible to see a minister, or marriage counselor? You really need the support of your spouse, if possible. If not, it needs to be dealt with before surgery so that you are at peace. Stress before surgery is too difficult for you. Stress with your spouse is too difficult. I wish I could give better advice, but we can't do anything for you except listen and pray. Take good care of yourself and your family!

Tall Paul
03-29-2006, 12:31 AM
Brandi, I feel bad for what you are going though. I went through a separation that rapidly developed into a divorce. Facing the same surgery you are I would first want to make sure you have a place to stay after surgery and that you have proper insurance. Are you in a house that you will need to sell should the separation lead to divorce? I wouldn't want to be moving with a freshly fused back.

The emotion of a divorce is incredible. I couldn't see going through that while you were trying to mentally and physically prepare for such a major surgery. If this marriage is salvagable seek counseling and try to resolve, if not I recommend holding off (assuming you can) until you get this relationship behind you.

Wishing you nothing but the best...


03-29-2006, 12:52 PM
and encouragement. I know that it is ultimately a decision that only I can make. I am trying to look at it from every possible angle. I have decided that I am going to give myself through the weekend to reach a decision. I know that surgery is inevitable and the longer I put it off the more dreadful it will be. I will let you all know what I decide.

Thanks, Brandi

03-29-2006, 10:59 PM
Hi Brandi,

I read your post earlier today, and I just couldn't get you out of my mind. The thoughts of what you must be going through brought tears to my eyes.

I wish someone could give you the perfect advice. I know I can't. I think you have to do what is best for you. Are your children old enough to take care of themselves and help you out?

The one thing I know for sure is that you need a loving and caring group of people around you for the first few weeks. My surgery put a strain on my marriage for several different reasons.

Thinking of you,

03-30-2006, 11:58 AM
Shari, how sweet of you to think of me. The support I receive from this forum is truly heartwarming.

I am fortunate that my children are old enough (16,13 & 11) to take care of themselves and help out. I have been trying to prepare them as much as possible and have told them that I will really need their help. My surgeon mentioned possibly going to a rehab hospital before I go home. If my insurance covers it, I'm doing it.


03-30-2006, 12:27 PM
I have been thinking of you too today & my prayers are with you.

03-30-2006, 01:36 PM
My prayers are with you too, Brandi.... I wish i could just give you a big hug and help out in some way. Glad that your children are of that age where they can be helpful to you. Going to the rehab center is a great idea too. The surgery is a big ordeal, unfortunately, and it will take all your strength to recover. You won't have any energy left to deal with problems and stresses, so just take care of yourself and expect to feel drained. I found that i couldn't even watch stressful shows on tv... even some loud and strident commercials bothered me...
Please keep us informed... we will be your support group...
Hugs, JoAnn

03-30-2006, 10:33 PM
Hi JoAnn,

In no way do I want to change the subject, my thoughts are with Brandi also. But when you mentioned the TV, I thought I was losing my mind for a while. I thought I was the only one that felt that way!!!


03-31-2006, 07:43 AM
Again, thanks to all of you. Knowing that there are people out there who care helps more than you know.


04-01-2006, 02:14 PM
Hi Brandi,

I am praying that the Lord will give you clarity of mind with no confusion as to what you need to do. I am truly sorry that you are having to deal with this additional stress before surgery. You are in my prayers.

Kindest Regards,

04-04-2006, 07:25 AM
I thought about it over the weekend and have reached my decision. It's never going to be a great time to have surgery. I wish I didn't have to have it at all, but I do and it might as well be now. I keep fast forwarding to next year at this time. I imagine how much better my life can be. I need to focus on taking good care of myself and whatever happens...happens. Someone pointed out (on another board) the importance of keeping things in their proper perspective. Scoliosis is not cancer, I am not sick. I can have this surgery and recover and get on with it. And that's what I'm going to do.


Tall Paul
04-04-2006, 08:44 AM

I think you made the right decision. And you picked a great surgery date as May 22 is my sons birthday. Its also the beginnig of spring, so think of this surgery as the springtime of your life...where you will have a new start. We wish you all the best...please let us know how your surgery goes.

About your surgery, are you being fused to the sacrum? And who is doing your surgery?


04-04-2006, 09:01 AM
Good luck, Brandi. Isn't it amazing how tough a decision this is? It would be so much easier if we didn't have a choice. Even though I have tentatively made the decision to have the surgery next spring, I'm not willing to let go of the word "tentatively." I wrestle with the decision daily...sometimes hourly.
Sounds like you've arrived at a good measure of peace with your decision.

All best,

04-04-2006, 10:00 AM
Thanks. Yes, I will be fused to my sacrum (joy!). My surgery will be performed by Dr. William Lauerman at Georgetown University Hospital in Washington, DC.

04-04-2006, 11:59 AM
Hey Brandi,
I'm with you on your decision. If you need it, get it over with! I feel my momentum is building every mth for this & if something holds me up more than a mth or two I'll scream! Think of how much better shape you'll be in the future! all my best wishes to you & buy some neat pillows that'll cheer you up! I keep buying 'em & my kids are going nuts with all the pillows!!! Ly :) Http://lynnebackattack.blogspot.com

04-04-2006, 06:04 PM
Hi Brandi,

Aren't you glad to have the decision behind you? Soon, you will have the surgery behind you also.

That was me who posted about keeping Scoliosis in perspective...it's not cancer. Wow, someone actually took my advice!

Wishing you a successful surgery and a quick and complete recovery!

Kindest Regards,

04-04-2006, 06:59 PM
It is a tough decision. I know I have kept putting it off for different reasons such as young children, daughter's graduation, son being sick, and daughter's wedding this summer. Next year is the year, though! Can't put it off any longer. I'm sure not looking forward to that long recovery period.
Good luck with your decision. It'll be great to get it behind you! :)