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My Boyfriend Won't Help ME!

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  • My Boyfriend Won't Help ME!

    I had my surgery on October 12 and I stayed in the hospital for a week. When I came home my boyfriend of 5 years was so helpful at first. He was taking our daughter to day care and picking her up. He was fixing her dinner and giving her a bath every night. Before my surgery he had never done any of these things. He had only changed about 5 diapers in 2 years! After I was home for about a week he started acting like a jerk. He would let our daughter climb all over me and kick the recliner that I was sitting in. He wouldn't make her stop. I told him that he needed to make her stop and he wouldn't do it. Then he quit helping with the laundry, he would leave the house and I wouldn't have anything to eat. a couple of weeks ago he started leaving me at home alone with our daughter. I really can't handle that yet. Not alone. I am doing much better, but I still have bad days where I feel like I need ti chill out and rest. He doesn't understand it. I think after the holidays I am going to move out. I am so sad though. I thought I could count on him. He is the one that pushed me having this surgery. What should I do?

  • #2
    Hi...

    If you've already decided to leave, there's probably not much to be done. If you want to try to make it work, perhaps a marriage/family counselor would be helpful. In the meantime, if you can get him to talk honestly, maybe he'll tell you why he's stopped being helpful.

    --Linda
    Never argue with an idiot. They always drag you down to their level, and then they beat you with experience. --Twain
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Surgery 2/10/93 A/P fusion T4-L3
    Surgery 1/20/11 A/P fusion L2-sacrum w/pelvic fixation

    Comment


    • #3
      I'm so sorry for your situation. Maybe he became overwhelmed with the sudden onset of so much responsibility. I agree with Linda that you should try to get him to talk honestly about how he's feeling. It's understandable for him to be overwhelmed with the situation if he was not the one doing all of these things before your surgery.

      My husband was very helpful around the house prior to my surgery, but there were times when even he became overwhelmed with the scope of all of the responsibility. Luckily, we had plenty of family and friends who were willing to stay with me now and then in order to give him time out of the house. When people would call to check on me, they also made sure to ask him how he was doing and if there was anything they could do to help.

      I hope you can work this out in whatever way is best for you both.

      Comment


      • #4
        Even as the parents of a scoli surgery parent, and used to doing stuff for my family day in and day out, it was still overwhelming when we got home from the hospital. I was thankful for our daughters friends that would come over and "babysit" so we could get away from it all for a while. She's 17 so "babysit" is a word I use lightly. Maybe you have a friend or family that could come and maybe help for a day or two. Even just watch your daughter so the two of you can visit and sort things out. Maybe someone could come and help prepare a couple of days worths of meals that can be popped into the microwave.

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        • #5
          I'm so sorry. I would also suggest having a good talk with him, but seriously this a test to his character and if he doesn't change and continues to be so insensitive, it's a hard choice but you have to think about your health and well being first. You're still early post op and if you don't take care of you, get the rest you need, you could jeapordize your recovery. Just remember that, you are very brave for having gone through such a big ordeal and in order to take care of your daughter right, you need to take are of yourself first. If you don't have family or friends close or that are willing to help, maybe you could get help from the medical community, I'm not sure what it's called where you live, as I live in Canada and maybe others can help you with that. I know it's not easy for those around us, but there are people who go through much bigger health crisis and have much longer and harder recoveries. Plus, loved ones are supposed to help us in time of need, as I'm sure you would do the same.

          Good luck, and be strong
          35 y/old female from Montreal, Canada
          Diagnosed with scoliosis(double major) at age 12, wore Boston brace 4 years at least 23 hours a day-curve progressed
          Surgery age 26 for 60 degree curve in Oct. 1997 by Dr.Max Aebi-fused T5 to L2
          Surgery age 28 for a hook removal in Feb. 1999 by Dr.Max Aebi-pain free for 5 years
          Surgery age 34 in Dec.2005 for broken rod replacement, bigger screws and crosslinks added and pseudarthrosis(non union) by Dr. Jean Ouellet

          Comment


          • #6
            Don't wait... call TODAY to your Dr. and tell them you need some Home Health services... That's what they are called here, it may be called something different there, but the dr.'s office will know what you mean... This is just a necessity for someone in your position.!!!. They will supply you with someone to do housework, take care of your medical needs, and help you with all sorts of things around the house. Here, our insurance covers the cost if the Dr. prescribes it for you.

            Unfortunately you cannot change your boyfriend's behavior, but you CAN change YOUR circumstances, and it's your responsibility to help yourself and your daughter. Take the initiative and do this for the 2 of you!

            God Bless you and good luck, hon!

            Comment


            • #7
              poor you!! i feel so sorry for you. how old is your daughter? have you tried sitting him down and telling your partner how you feel and that you are in pain (if you are)?
              i think you are doing the right thing by moving out.
              i had a similar problem with my friends at school. they were really great at first, they came round to my house every day nearly to keep me company, they kept me informed with what i was missing at sch, they came to see me at hospital, it was brilliant. then when i started back at school they used to leave school grounds to go for a cigarette. i went with them once (i dnt smoke, but i went to keep them company and because i was bored and needed to walk). they were so horrible, the kept running across the roads and walked fast on purpose knowing that i couldnt run to catch up with them. i now dont hang around with them. i find that my life is different, but i dnt need mates like that.
              hope i kinda helped...
              hope your ok

              sheena xxxxxxxxx

              Comment


              • #8
                I agree with Joann5, call your doc and see if you can get home health to come in help you. Call a girlfriend or family member to come in for a couple of hours a day.

                I know this won't help but the situation you are in could be worse...you could be married to the jerk If he wouldn't/couldn't change a diaper before your surgery, that was pretty much a clue that he would be much help in a situation that required him to step up and take charge. Think of yourself as lucky that after all of this is done you can go out and find a man with a sense of responsiblity and maturity.
                SandyC

                Comment


                • #9
                  PKScott, If you feel your relationship is worth working on, by all means get counseling. I don't feel anyone has the right to judge your relationship because none of us know the whole story. To call names is very inappropriate. My husband only changed a couple of diapers when our girls were little, but that doesn't mean he is a jerk. He is a hard working man that provides for us so that I have been able to stay home and be a mom for the 14 years. Not many women get that opportunity these days.

                  If you are tired of your relationship, do change it. But, don't let anyone else make that decision for you.

                  Do call to get home health services to come in and help you. Ask for family and friends to help to, have some meals prepared and put in the freezer that can be put into the microwave. My husband does great with meals as long as their are hotdogs, mac and cheese, top ramen, and eggs. Beyond that he can get kind of lost. But, his mom prepared all his meals until we were married and then I prepared them.

                  My daughter has had some pretty terrible boyfriends lately. My husband and I don't say a word about it because it just drives her to stay with them. She has now cleaned up her act and has the nicest young man as a boyfriend. She had to figure out on her own how she wanted to be treated.

                  The thing you have to remember is that you do have a child together and he will always be in your life. You need to remain friends, because no matter what anyone says, he needs to be a father to your daughter. By making enemies of him, she will be the one to suffer in the future.

                  I don't think your boyfriend really realized how debilitated you would be. To say he should of figured it out isn't fair either. Until you have walked those shoes of being the caregiver for a back fusion patient, you don't know. He has become absolutely overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do. I presume he is working too. So add that to his pile. I am not defending him, because he could help out a lot more.

                  I was fortunate when my daughter came home from surgery. I don't work and am an at home mom. My other girls were in school during the day. I was able to do things for my daughter. But, if she was hungry, because she doesn't like being waited on hand and foot, she would fix a sandwich, some soup, or something for herself. There were things she could do for herself. She didn't do anything that the doctor wouldn't allow, such as bending, twisting and lifting. But, her indepence was much appreciated by me.

                  Take this post for what it is worth.

                  'til later,
                  Nikki

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Hi...

                    You'll need to read your insurance benefits booklet, but I read my own booklet (Blue Cross/Blue Shield PPO), and such services are not covered.

                    --Linda

                    Don't wait... call TODAY to your Dr. and tell them you need some Home Health services... That's what they are called here, it may be called something different there, but the dr.'s office will know what you mean... This is just a necessity for someone in your position.!!!. They will supply you with someone to do housework, take care of your medical needs, and help you with all sorts of things around the house. Here, our insurance covers the cost if the Dr. prescribes it for you.
                    Never argue with an idiot. They always drag you down to their level, and then they beat you with experience. --Twain
                    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                    Surgery 2/10/93 A/P fusion T4-L3
                    Surgery 1/20/11 A/P fusion L2-sacrum w/pelvic fixation

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I really appreciate all of your responses. My insurance does not cover Home Health Services. I am feeling much better. I am back at work now. It seems that Greg is handling things a little better. We still have some major issues though. We agreed to try really hard to make it work out. He is helping out a bit with our two year old. My 5 yaer old is back at home now. She was staying with my sister through some of my recovery. She has proven to be the most help of all. She keeps her little sister entertained for me. She likes to help me with chores.
                      I guess things are going better. I just have to keep a positive attitude and wait it out!

                      Thanks everyone!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        So glad that things are smoother for you

                        Was very glad to hear that you were able to talk this out and that your boyfriend is committed enough to want to work throught this difficult time. Nice to hear that your 5 year old is being helpful with doing those little things that are difficult now, like bending, etc. Wow, you are already back to work! You must be progressing very well. Keep us informed how your recovery is going.

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