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View Full Version : "poor self-image is common, and the majority do not marry", your thoughts?



Alistair
03-12-2011, 11:59 AM
source: http://members.optusnet.com.au/physio/scoliosis.html

I'm a 38-y-o guy, I've never had the right mind for marriage, at least that's what I've always told myself, but maybe subcounsciously my back/looks play a bigger part than I thought... I'm just wondering how true this statement is, what's your view/experience?

rohrer01
03-12-2011, 12:06 PM
There are plenty of us that are married. I suppose if you are very self-conscious you might shy away from women. But it has been my experience, as a woman, that men have never been NOT attracted to me because of my deformity. I even tried to scare my hubby away from marrying me by showing him my x-rays! I have a girlfriend who has a severe deformity and can't wear 'regular' clothes and she has been happily married for over 30 years. I guess it's an individual thing. I say if someone really loves you, they love you despite any physical problems you may have. BUT, on the other hand, if you are shy as a result of your scoliosis, I can see how you would have a hard time meeting women. Just my thought. Maybe others out there that feel the way you do will chime in.

rohrer01
03-12-2011, 12:14 PM
Where did this guy get his information? I'm a little offended by the statement that, "The majority do not marry." I have not found this to be true. I understand that some people are self-conscious, including myself, but my self worth isn't based solely on my physical appearance. I'd bet if you took an unofficial survey, you would find that most of us DO marry.

LindaRacine
03-12-2011, 12:31 PM
Hi...

There's no reference for the quote about marriage, and I don't believe it's correct. I believe that research has shown that only very large curves affect marriage rates.

--Linda

jrnyc
03-12-2011, 12:34 PM
the author says on the bottom of the page that the concepts are those of the writer...his opinions...and that is all!

i see many...if not most...of the people on forum who are above age 22 seem to be married...or divorced...

i think this guy's opinions are based on no facts whatsoever...

and anyone with low self esteem might be slower to date or marry...
but one rarely sees self esteem so low that it causes extreme social isolation....

jess

Pooka1
03-12-2011, 12:41 PM
i think this guy's opinions are based on no facts whatsoever...


"I'm shocked, shocked there is gambling going on in this establishment."

There is nothing to prevent any "genius" from regaling us with their "ideas."

rohrer01
03-12-2011, 12:44 PM
Your sarcasm precedes you. ;-)

Pooka1
03-12-2011, 12:49 PM
Your sarcasm precedes you. ;-)

Gracias.

Sarcasm is, of course, the highest form of humor known to man.

Hey, want to see another hilarious horse race call (in addition to the other one I posted on the other thread)...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgSZL63VoPs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Elisa
03-12-2011, 01:26 PM
"poor self-image is common, and the majority do not marry"

I just don't believe that statement one bit and am guessing those with scoliosis who don't marry has more to do with general poor self-image and not so much to do with the scoliosis itself. But I don't have scoliosis and have for the most part have felt okay with the way I look/am and I know as a woman I could care less if a man who has scoliosis and would have absolutely no issues with it. On the other hand, I have a thing about teeth, I'm grossed out by bad teeth or even just being greasy looking overall. I'm attracted to men who are clean, interesting and with a sense of humour who are fun to be around. Scoliosis isn't on any of my turnoff list but that's just me.

Pooka1
03-12-2011, 09:42 PM
Gracias.

Sarcasm is, of course, the highest form of humor known to man.

Hey, want to see another hilarious horse race call (in addition to the other one I posted on the other thread)...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgSZL63VoPs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

By the way, this can't be an actual race because Thoroughbred names can't be more than 18 letters (including spaces). It's still hilarious, though.

tonibunny
03-13-2011, 06:53 AM
The author of that article may have read "Long-term psychosocial characteristics of patients treated for idiopathic scoliosis" (J Pediatr Orthop. 1997;17:712717, Noonan KJ, Dolan LA, Jacobson WC, Weinstein SL). This was a 1997 study relating to women who had been treated with the Milwaukee Brace and surgery, which claims that there is a lower marriage rate amongst women with scoliosis.

I doubt that the difference in marriage rates is significant though. I know a lot of people with scoliosis and kyphosis, and pretty much all of those over 30 are in solid long-term relationships or are married, including those with very severe curves. This includes a couple of people with curves over 150 degrees. There are a few who are single but this number is comparable to friends without scoliosis, there's no difference really.

Alistair
03-13-2011, 07:05 AM
I doubt that the difference in marriage rates is significant though. I know a lot of people with scoliosis and kyphosis, and pretty much all of those over 30 are in solid long-term relationships or are married, including those with very severe curves. This includes a couple of people with curves over 150 degrees. There are a few who are single but this number is comparable to friends without scoliosis, there's no difference really.

So it's just me who can't stand being around women then :-)) I'm sooo glad my back is not playing tricks to my subconsciuous... ;-))
I must say I have no probs wearing swimsuits or going to the beach, but that statement just made me think a bit, that's all I suppose.

tonibunny
03-13-2011, 07:53 AM
I have come across people who are extremely distressed by the way they look, to the point that it affects them psychologically (I help run the UK forum, and occasionally we have people sign up who are really in a mess about it and need help). You sound very normal though *smiley face* Plenty of people with straight spines lack confidence and plenty of people simply don't want relationships.

Pooka1
03-13-2011, 11:57 AM
So it's just me who can't stand being around women then :-))

Look there is no reason to beat yourself up over this. There are people who don't have interest in the opposite sex. I could name some famous people in that category if it helps.

My horse also has no interest in mares. He is at least ambiguously gay and might be actually gay. It couldn't matter less to me.

I am not saying you are gay. I am saying that lack of interest in the opposite sex or interest in the same sex is how animals (humans being animals) are born and it doesn't matter one way or the other.

LindaRacine
03-13-2011, 12:56 PM
The author of that article may have read "Long-term psychosocial characteristics of patients treated for idiopathic scoliosis" (J Pediatr Orthop. 1997;17:712717, Noonan KJ, Dolan LA, Jacobson WC, Weinstein SL). This was a 1997 study relating to women who had been treated with the Milwaukee Brace and surgery, which claims that there is a lower marriage rate amongst women with scoliosis.


Hi...

I don't currently have access to all my good search tools, but I think this is the study that was later found a big difference between patients with small and moderate curves, and those with very large curves.

--Linda

Alistair
03-13-2011, 01:09 PM
Look there is no reason to beat yourself up over this. There are people who don't have interest in the opposite sex. I could name some famous people in that category if it helps.

My horse also has no interest in mares. He is at least ambiguously gay and might be actually gay. It couldn't matter less to me.

I am not saying you are gay...

Hey, I don't want to turn this thread into a straight-and-gay issue, (BTW, I'm straight 100%, only my spine bloody isn't!:--), it's clearly off topic...
I read a few times about "reduced life expectancy" but never about marrying issues, and it made me think, so I welcome your opinions about it, and coincidentally I see that are similar to mine, the author of that article has a different view, he's entitled to it, but I think it's unsubstantiated.

I do see myself as "normal" (don't like this term one bit), although I can see I've got some issues with my back, for example I never talk about it, I try to conceal it as much as I can, and I rarely have massages... but on the whole, I'm not letting my back rule my life.

This forum is great.

Susie*Bee
03-13-2011, 01:13 PM
I don't remember her name off the top of my head, but sometime in the last 3 years we had a member who was astonished that so many of us were able to be married and/or have relationships. She had never been able to... and she was sure it was because of her scoliosis. She felt she was very deformed and it prevented anyone from being interested in her at all. Ring a bell to anyone else? I felt so sad for her.

Elisa
03-13-2011, 01:30 PM
I don't remember her name off the top of my head, but sometime in the last 3 years we had a member who was astonished that so many of us were able to be married and/or have relationships. She had never been able to... and she was sure it was because of her scoliosis. She felt she was very deformed and it prevented anyone from being interested in her at all. Ring a bell to anyone else? I felt so sad for her.
Oh that is so sad to hear. I wonder if it's more of an issue with females than with males? I know my daughter is way more freaked out about my son's crooked back than he is and she has mentioned a few times that if she had scoliosis (moderate to severe) that she would be really "bummed out". Needless to say I am SO glad that I'm dealing with my son with this issue and not my daughter. That probably sounds terrible but it is the truth and it is how I feel.

Pooka1
03-13-2011, 02:33 PM
(BTW, I'm straight 100%, only my spine bloody isn't!:--)

Excellent. (smiley face)

hdugger
03-13-2011, 04:25 PM
From what I've seen in the forums, boys/men are more bothered by their self-image with scoliosis then girls. I *think* it has to do with a sense, maybe, of feeling weak or unmanly.

Pooka1
03-13-2011, 04:28 PM
I *think* it has to do with a sense, maybe, of feeling weak or unmanly.

I'm going to repost this if I see you make any more comments about other people doing psychology without a net.

Elisa
03-13-2011, 06:15 PM
From what I've seen in the forums, boys/men are more bothered by their self-image with scoliosis then girls. I *think* it has to do with a sense, maybe, of feeling weak or unmanly.
See, now I would have *guessed* that scoliosis would bother the self-image of girls more b/c they tend to obsess more about every little thing about their bodies. My daughter spends far more time in front of the mirror doing whatever and notices every little flaw on herself and others too. God forbid anyone has a little pimple on their face b/c she would instantly notice. Neither of my boys are that way and seem much more comfortable in their skin. I guess it just depends on the individual. Some people regardless to gender overly-obsess about themselves.

hdugger
03-13-2011, 08:55 PM
Yeah, it really surprised me when I saw the effect it had on men vs. women. That's why I thought that it probably tied in more with men's feeling of self-sufficiency or fitness rather then pure cosmetics.

It's also possible that the higher rate of kyphosis in men is playing into what I see. Scoliosis is far more "hideable" then kyphosis.

jrnyc
03-13-2011, 09:13 PM
huh...considering how many "women's magazines" and fashion magazines are sold every month to women, i'd be really surprised if men are more concerned with their physical appearance than women are...
not based on any psychological stuff, just based on what i know about marketing to women...cosmetics, clothes, Spanx, etc...

that is not to say that i dont see a whole lotta self obsessed men...:)

jess

hdugger
03-13-2011, 11:11 PM
Yeah, I don't think it's solely a cosmetic thing. It seems like it's something else, which I'm trying to identify.

There's been a recent discussion on this issue (self perception/self esteem) over on the scoliosis support forum, and some of them noted the same gender differences. I have a boy, and he's totally not obsessed with his looks, but feeling "deformed" strikes at something else in his core. Something more about feeling not fit (in a physical sense) to perform his role.

Christian0710
03-14-2011, 05:26 AM
Hi Alistair :)
Interesting question! I see it this way: The world is full of suggestions and statistics, and the more we believe that this means something about ourselves and our choices in life, the more we limit ourselves.
I could suggest that you are an awesome person (especially wearing swimsuits ;) ) , and that people with scoliosis are in general are strong because they have decided to take up the challenge and live with it, and to do whatever they can to get the best out of life! But then again, it's just an opinion but it suggests something more positive so like it more :)