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LynetteG
02-21-2010, 06:20 PM
I feel like I'm walking around with a big black cloud hanging over me every day, feeling very low and depressed. I just keep thinking that right now I have little or no pain, and yet soon I'll probably be walking into a hospital, and leaving like a cripple with God knows what kind of pain afterward and steel hardware in my back. I keep looking at my little boys and wishing that this time wasn't going to be taken away from them with me while they are still young and relying on me so much. I keep asking why why why? Do I really have to have this done? What will happen if I don't? I guess basically I know that my curve is progressing aggressively, so does that mean that I would eventually look extremely deformed, and would I definitely have a ton of pain without surgery? At night, I lay there in bed thinking of all this over and over, wondering am I doing the right thing? So bloody scared, for my kids, and for myself.

debbei
02-21-2010, 07:00 PM
I feel like I'm walking around with a big black cloud hanging over me every day, feeling very low and depressed. I just keep thinking that right now I have little or no pain, and yet soon I'll probably be walking into a hospital, and leaving like a cripple with God knows what kind of pain afterward and steel hardware in my back. I keep looking at my little boys and wishing that this time wasn't going to be taken away from them with me while they are still young and relying on me so much. I keep asking why why why? Do I really have to have this done? What will happen if I don't? I guess basically I know that my curve is progressing aggressively, so does that mean that I would eventually look extremely deformed, and would I definitely have a ton of pain without surgery? At night, I lay there in bed thinking of all this over and over, wondering am I doing the right thing? So bloody scared, for my kids, and for myself.

Lynette,

first of all, let me send you a (((Hug))). The simple answer to your question--YES, we've all felt like that at times. Do you honestly think that people can prepare themselves mentally for this surgery without feeling sorry for themselves, even if it's just for a teeny bit? I'd say the first 3-4 weeks after I discovered what was in store for me, I felt exactly as you did. I thought my world was ending. I was terribly affraid. I had several months before the surgery, and after some time, I felt more accepting of it--knowing that honestly I had no choice because if I didn't I would eventually have terrible quality of life.

You WILL pull yourself out of the black cloud and do what you have to--if not for you, for those little boys who need you. You have to be strong and do it because no one can step in and do it for you.

Everyone needs time to 'mourn' what we think we will lose and feel sorry for ourselves. But in order to get thru this surgery and heal successfully, you have to have a POSITIVE attitude. You don't want those little boys picking up on your fear.

Doodles
02-21-2010, 08:08 PM
Debbe's advice is excellent. You really need to have a positive attitude going in. I listened to relaxation tapes--Peggy Huddleston--that seemed to ease some of my tension. It sounds like your hypnosis tapes should be helpful in that area. Believe me, I had lots anxieties & and played horrible movies through my head. If I had to do it over again, I'd have done it sooner. Curves would have been less progressed and I would have been younger. But we deal with what we've got. If you have faith in your surgeon and all the help and prayers coming from us and your family and friends, I think you'll do great! Janet

Singer
02-21-2010, 08:10 PM
After I scheduled my own surgery, I felt like I'd made an appointment to be stabbed and beaten -- or hit by a bus. Our instinct in life is to protect ourselves from harm, and signing up for this surgery guarantees that we're walking into a painful situation. The anticipation is very hard because you're focused on an unknown future, and that's a very fearful place to be. Once you've had the surgery, you live in the present once again, and everything seems more manageable.

Believe me, if I could do this, anyone can!!

txmarinemom
02-21-2010, 08:41 PM
Debbe and Janet ... I'm so proud of of y'all. Chris, you've always inspired me.

Lynette, it's normal to be scared- even when you've tried every OTHER scary thing. I'd subjected myself to every other avenue for pain relief ... and while I wanted fusion so badly (because it was the only chance left), I was unsure what it would bring.

For me, it simply came down to an elimination game: The pain goes, or I (may) go.

Remember this, sweetheart ... we're supposed to enjoy our time here ... our family ... our friends. Although no one around me knew it, I was tolerating life during my pre-fusion days (and it's not in my nature to see things that way). I'd trade 1000 surgeries/recoveries to never be in that helpless state again. Chronic pain can bring some awfully destructive thoughts.

Pam

RitaR
02-21-2010, 09:03 PM
I know completely how you feel! While I'm in St. Louis after having surgery on Mar 1st our son will celebrate his 14th birthday. That will be very hard for me to be away from him, both of us, as we are all three very close! But, when I get back I will have his Graduation from 8th Grade in May to look forward to. And, maybe I won't be as miserable as I am tonight - or at least in a different, straighter sorta way. So, I've had a couple "moments" of feel sorry for me moments believe me, but you can linger on those - we have to do what we have to do. We have to get better for our younger people - they depend on us. And, if that means we are apart for a short period of time then that is what it takes. We will just appreciate the fact that we will be much better to enjoy them when we return once we recover. Does that make sense?

txmarinemom
02-21-2010, 11:21 PM
Lynette,

Don't worry about us (and, yes ... I'm going out on a limb here) post-ops. Your experience affects us only in the sense that we want to make it easier for you.

You aren't bringing anyone down. You're generally upbeat and we all have rough nights. Accept the fact we won't break rank for imagined whining. :)

LynetteG
02-22-2010, 12:36 AM
Thanks Pam, you are a huge inspiration to me. I look your matter-of-fact down-to-earth advice - much much appreciated :)

JenniferG
02-22-2010, 02:14 AM
I hope you're sleeping peacefully as I write this! You've received some great advice here and I endorse it all. There is one thing that hasn't been mentioned and I almost hesitate to say it because it seems that I was the only person here to avail myself of this kind of help.

I was diagnosed with Graves Disease just about the time I had my first appt. with my surgeon. Graves Disease makes you more nervy and makes your heart pound and gives you palpitations which wasn't helping. I was discussing it with my GP a couple of months later when I started crying. I couldn't help myself. She was great, and after a talk and some assurance that I wasn't a complete baby, I walked out with a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication. It was very helpful. I stayed on it until my surgery. I coped so much better after that. I slept better too, which I think is important since when you're sleep-deprived, everything seems so much worse.

Some might think it was the easy way through this time and in fact it was. It gave me courage and the ability to look ahead to a time when the surgery was over and I was well again. I recommend it for those who're having a difficult time, as I was.

LynetteG
02-22-2010, 05:28 AM
Thanks Jennifer G, I appreciate your advice. I'm trying to not go on anti-anxiety medication, and use hypnosis instead. I'll see how I get on, most of the time I can cope pretty well, last night everything just seemed to slam down on top of me!

gmw
02-22-2010, 07:41 AM
Lynette - I'm sorry you're having such a heavy load to carry. Thank you for sharing so openly so folks on the forum can be of suppport. I'll be praying for you.

CHRIS WBS
02-22-2010, 10:37 AM
I would suggest you get some counseling before you proceed with this sugery. Perhaps delaying this surgery for now would be in your best interest.

loves to skate
02-22-2010, 10:39 AM
[QUOTE]I've tried very hard all my life to live a good honest life, be the best mom I can possibly be, and I was a very supportive wife to my ex, even though he goes round saying otherwise to everyone. Just don't know why God is challenging me to the hilt like this.

Hi LynetteG,
It does seems that sometimes God is challenging us to the hilt. If you are a believer, which I think you are, then you know that when God is testing us, it is because he loves us and wants us to put all our trust in Him. You only need faith as a grain of mustard seed and He will do the rest. Easier said than done, and yes, you have a right to question God. I will be praying for you.
Sally

lray
02-22-2010, 01:28 PM
After I scheduled my own surgery, I felt like I'd made an appointment to be stabbed and beaten -- or hit by a bus. Our instinct in life is to protect ourselves from harm, and signing up for this surgery guarantees that we're walking into a painful situation. The anticipation is very hard because you're focused on an unknown future, and that's a very fearful place to be. Once you've had the surgery, you live in the present once again, and everything seems more manageable.

Believe me, if I could do this, anyone can!!

------------------------------------------------
Chris, these are words of wisdom! I really agree with you. I am about to make the decision to have my surgery as well, likely later this year. Just thinking about it is making me so anxious, like why do I want to cause myself pain? Am I crazy? Do I really need to do this? Of course I know that I want to have it but I would rather go on a cruise...

txmarinemom
02-22-2010, 01:50 PM
Of course I know that I want to have it but I would rather go on a cruise...

LMAO. That about sums it up.

RitaR
02-22-2010, 02:25 PM
My hubby and I have already decided once I get back on my feet, we recover from all these horrendous medical bills, etc. we're going to go on a cruise! Our gift to us!!!! I can't wait!!!!!

Doodles
02-22-2010, 03:26 PM
Sounds awesome! I'm still waiting on that cruise but we will be taking our first real vacation since surgery down to Orange Beach, Alabama, where we've gone for years. Should be great. I love walking and lying on the beach. The lying part could be rather interesting--especially if anyone watches me get down there! Janet

Shari
02-22-2010, 10:38 PM
Lynette,

Just remember what many in this thread have said to you. It's all important.
And know that the weight you are carrying on your shoulders is real.

We have all had it, and we are helping you carrying the load as well.

And that black cloud you speak of, it's God's way of blanketing you, and keeping you warm!!!

I believe evrything happens for a reason. When I found this forum, I didn't think I could mentally, sink any lower.


Try and keep you chin up, and never feel quilty for feeling down, in a way it is a life changing experience. One for the best!!!

We are here for you,
Shari

LynetteG
02-23-2010, 04:55 AM
Shari you are an amazing lady with really great words of wisdom. I'm feeling much stronger today, and more determined than ever to get through this, and not let my ex destroy me! My mother and attorney suggested I put this whole court battle on hold for a year, so I'll be talking to my attorney today about that in more detail - gotta concentrate on just focusing on staying positive and getting better and healing from this surgery. I really can't put off this surgery as my spine is really bad and rapidly increasing, even though AMAZINGLY my back pain is minimal still - though lately I can feel more twinges and certainly after a shorter period of time standing, it hurts pretty bad.

So ONWARD AND UPWARD!!! :)

Thank you again Shari for all your uplifting advice, and thank you EVERYONE on here who has put up with my whining and moaning :) :)

debbei
02-23-2010, 06:03 AM
Shari you are an amazing lady with really great words of wisdom. I'm feeling much stronger today, and more determined than ever to get through this, and not let my ex destroy me! My mother and attorney suggested I put this whole court battle on hold for a year, so I'll be talking to my attorney today about that in more detail - gotta concentrate on just focusing on staying positive and getting better and healing from this surgery. I really can't put off this surgery as my spine is really bad and rapidly increasing, even though AMAZINGLY my back pain is minimal still - though lately I can feel more twinges and certainly after a shorter period of time standing, it hurts pretty bad.

So ONWARD AND UPWARD!!! :)

Thank you again Shari for all your uplifting advice, and thank you EVERYONE on here who has put up with my whining and moaning :) :)

I'm glad to hear you sounding better this morning Lynette. We've all had our really low moments with regard to this surgery. The trick is pulling ourselves out and preparing the best that we can. (mentally and physically).

ADMoul
02-23-2010, 09:24 AM
Ditto to what everyone else has said and it sounds like you're on the upswing a little bit. When I was going through my pre-op "dark cloud" days, I would just think about how much I was missing out on in life because of this chronic back pain. If I didn't do anything, I was going to be this way (or worse) for the rest of my life. I had been terrified of this surgery since I was diagnosed almost 40 years ago and yet I knew I had to move forward. I am a musician and do a lot of choral singing (of course, standing) and the last few concerts I just couldn't enjoy because I was in so much pain. It's hard right now when my husband goes to rehearsal and someone else is singing my solo parts, but I know I will be able to come back a stronger, healthier person. It's a long journey but you just have to keep focused on the final outcome. Lean on the forum folks--they are wonderful and helped me tremendously!

LynetteG
02-23-2010, 09:31 AM
Thanks everyone for your support. Funnily enough it's not so much the surgery that was getting me down as much as my ex and what he continues to do to me, coupled with the surgery. On it's own facing the surgery is really not too bad for me, it's dealing with the other part of my life on top of all of this that makes some days a little hellish. However, I'm determined to not let my ex beat me down anymore - so all is good with the world :)

Shari
02-23-2010, 07:59 PM
Lynette,

Once you get your surgery, and well on your way in the recovery process, you just may look back and get a little chuckle.

No divorce will ever be as tough as the surgery and recovery. You will be on your way to a life changing experience. You will look beautiful (not deformed), you'll be free from your heavy load (husband), and you will be so empowered with the first hand knowledge of just how strong a woman you really are!!!

All my best,
Shari

LynetteG
02-23-2010, 09:08 PM
Wow Shari that is so powerful and something I can really understand. I LOVED that, and boy that's given me some fantastic drive, thank you Shari!!!

joyfull
02-23-2010, 10:45 PM
Lynette, You're relatively young so you should make a fairly quick recovery. Get in as good shape as you can and you'll do fine. In the long run, you'll be able to be a better, healthier mom to your children. All the best, Joy

LynetteG
02-24-2010, 05:21 AM
Oooh I love being told that I'm fairly young - hee hee - don't hear THAT too often these days Joy - thank you! Yes I'm actually looking forward now to getting this done, lately my back is hurting more and more, and I'm doing less and less fun stuff with my boys - and THAT'S no fun, so quicker I get this done the quicker I can heal and be a new mommy for my boys :)

ckieft
02-24-2010, 11:52 AM
Lynette, I felt the exact same way! Please feel free to email me directly and get my phone number. I would love to talk to you. I was able to talk to several ladies over the phone that really helped me before my surgery. I really hope you take the time to call.

jsully
03-17-2010, 04:47 PM
OMG, I feel the same way girl! My boys are 6 & 7 and I've waited this long for them to be a little more self-sufficient. I like you have the same fear, I am not ready to leave my boys and hope I am doing the right thing. I hope I don't become worse off and not able to provide for my family like I'm used to. I too live in the Tampa area, not sure yet if I'm going to UCH or St Joes. My appt. is the same day as your surgery, too funny. I wish you the best of luck!
Janet

LynetteG
03-17-2010, 08:43 PM
Janet - that's exactly how I feel - hoping that I'll be able to continue again taking care of my boys just the way I used to, of course not at first I realize that, but after that I sure hope I can. My nine-year-old cried tonight while I was reading him his bedtime story, he said he'll miss me and that on Easter Sunday he wants to stay with me all day and all night (the kids will be visiting me in the hospital that day), poor little guy. It breaks my heart to see them sad, especially as inside I feel so sad too because I'll miss them very much also - I don't let them know this of course - but my sons have never been apart from me for more than a couple of nights. Anyway, it's all for a good reason, and before we all know it, I'll be back home with my babies again :). It's hard isn't it doing this surgery when you have little babies that rely on us? :)

jsully
03-18-2010, 04:59 AM
So sad, I will miss my boys so much. The hospital is almost a hour away.:(

LynetteG
03-18-2010, 05:33 AM
The hospital I'm going to is also an hour away from my home, but I'm trying not to feel too sad about my boys as they will be with my mum at home, and before we all know it we will be back home again. I just keep focusing on the end result, which is to start healing and feeling better and being able to do more with my li'l lads again one day :)

jrnyc
03-19-2010, 04:56 AM
Hi Lynette
i have seen personally and also as a licensed social worker, that counseling combined with meds can work wonders to lessen the struggles, black clouds, & feelings of overwhelming difficulty....

just a suggestion...with my wish for the smoothest surgery & most uneventful recovery...with total healing and a safe & pain free road ahead!

jess

LynetteG
03-19-2010, 05:35 AM
Jess - a couple of days ago I had a fantastic hypnosis session with a well-renowned hypnotherapist and dear friend of mine, she completely turned my thoughts around and I'm very happy about having the surgery with just great positive thoughts in my head now :).